average thoughts from average me

bill me later.. why when you can screw me, NOW!

2009-03-11T19:04:00.013-05:00

Bad service is bad service. Today's installment is about Bill Me Later (billmelater.com / bill-me-later.com). They seem pretty popular and in late 2008 they were acquired by eBay. Maybe they're too big now to extend some credit to lil' ol me?

The history: I have been a Bill Me Later customer since May 2007. Back then (in the day for you young unz), I had shit credit. I mean we're talking AWFUL. I’m fairly sure that a hobo, crack-whore child molester on a watch list could get a loan over me. I was pretty excited about the concept of Bill Me Later, as it didn't require a hit to my credit. My first purchase was about $400. I promptly paid it off before my 3 months no payments, no interest offer ran out.

Since then, I've increased the amount of my purchases, steadily, and then paid off my balance in full before the no payments no interest dance ended. Yes, I slowly leveled up in Bill Me Later Land and had made 4 or 5 purchases. I also managed to acquire some skill points in the credit area. Score. My largest and most recent approved purchase on Bill Me Later was in the $1600 range. All went fine, and I recently was happy to pay it all off, again, before my no payments, no interest timeframe ran out.

I should point out that outside of my Bill Me Later shopping escapades, I have cleaned up my real credit, gaining nearly 100 points, bought a house, bought 2 new cars and now have more than a few credit cards, all in GREAT standing, most with a $0 balance, and never a late payment on my bills for nearly 2 years. Except that oops on the cable bill, but that was my hubby’s fault. Seriously ladies you gotta keep your bitches in check.

Wanting to pick up an anniversary gift for my hubby before the actual anniversary date (guys, this is a free tip, really, no charge), and still anticipating my tax refund (hello, government, please give me my damn money back, ok), I decided to use my Bill Me Later account on a recent purchase at newegg.com. The total purchase amount was just below $500. So, being the fiscally responsible Bill Me Later customer I have been (this time sporting a fresh Kool-Aid red haircolor), and knowing that Bill Me Later knows me and values me – I put my purchase through.

I was declined. I was really taken aback.

OMG WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT THE FUCK? HOW WILL MY HUSBAND EVER LOVE ME WITHOUT THIS NETBOOK? I cried and screamed.

So, thinking something HAD to be wrong with the system, I called customer service at Bill Me Later. I’m fairly certain their call center is in the US as most of the representatives sounded woefully uninspiried and were probably waiting for their layoff notices. I am also sure they were celebrating something that sounded like a woman who was giving birth to three hysterical hyena cubs, anally, while standing in a wind tunnel and gargling Jell-O with chunks of ham in it. Seriously, Bill Me Later can’t be that busy, after all, they were having a damn party.

I, however, was not having such a party. But hey, this wasn’t the customer service person’s fault. So I put on my happy voice and tried to find out from the rep why my purchase was declined. You know what? Trying to get a straight answer from a Bill Me Later customer service representative is like asking a Magic-8 ball what color Tara Reid’s dealer’s car is. They only have 8 programmed answers, none of which helped.

Then the customer service person said “It’s the economy.”

Fuck me? Something is wrong with the economy? Really. Holy god. But… more on that later. Fucking trickle-down bullshit.

At that point, I knew this was an exercise in futility. Much like me going to overeaters anonymous. I mean nothing makes me more hungry than talking about food with other fat people. Oops. I digress..

So, figuring that maybe answer #3 the rep gave me was true, maybe I tried to get too much money approved, I then put the purchase back through for a bit less than $400 and was again declined.

Let me be honest here. I love America, apple pie (mmm apple pie), freedom, the end of slavery, climate change, capitalism – and I believe businesses should be able to do whatever they want as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone, abuse children or cause diverticulitis. And, because I love this amazing country and freedom and choice and all that comes with being a a free society, Bill Me Later has the right to decline a transaction or to decline issuing me credit for any reason. I mean maybe they were just having a shitty day because they found out that they have cancer and that their spouse is having sex with Google Checkout (and, by the way, I heard Google Checkout has herpes).

But this is TERRIBLE service. This is a horrible way to treat a customer. I mean at least give me an actual reason I’d be declined. I have been a good, no, GREAT customer. I have told others about their great product and Bill Me Later helped me when I had no other options. But let’s be real here: I’m awesome. They should WANT me as a customer, cause they know they’re going to get paid. I'm not sitting in my house while the foreclosure notices roll in just waiting for my government bailout because I was too fucking stupid to read the fine print on a contract for an amount that is, quite obviously, more than I will make in the next 50 years of my life as a janitor. I'm not filing banktruptcy to clean up my credit. And I'm not waiting for this country to become more of a welfare state so I can sit on my 300 pound ass and let those who are smarter than me, with more common sense and more ambition than I could ever muster bail my ass out - all while calling them "rich".

Oh yeah, Bill Me Later - They are making money hand over fist, as they should be, but not treating their customers with respect or valuing their business is a HUGE mistake. And, hello, obviously Bill Me Later has never had a puppy or they’d know that positive reinforcement is the best way to avoid accidents.

Bill Me Later, maybe you need a puppy.

I distinctly remember in the past seeing something about building up a reputation with Bill Me Later, which influences your purchase ability. Maybe that got taken away by eBay. I dunno, it’s just shitty. And it makes me upset. Both make my hemorrhoids flare up.

While I can't prove it (though I can prove that Google Checkout causes stillbirths), I have this feeling I’m being declined because over the past 2 years of being a customer, they’ve not been able to milk my average-sized teets for even a penny of interest. I mean come on, 19.99% interest is a great motivator to pay that shit off. I wish I’d have had that much interest in me during high school and I may not have been the naive woman I was on my wedding day. Just sayin.

I think the vendors who use Bill Me Later should be made aware of the negative decisions that impact their business. Potentially good customers of your sites are being turned down.

While deep down I know it wasn’t any vendor’s decision that caused my purchase to be declined, the negative taste left in my mouth from this Bill Me Later experience has resulted in me seeking out the product I would have purchased from newegg.com at another vendor, simply because the other vendor does not have a relationship with Bill Me Later.

I type all of this to say: Bill Me Later, I hate you. I hate you and your stupid face. I hate that you have shown me, once again, that being a loyal customer is only ignored. Thank you for renewing my faith in Visa, MasterCard and Discover – all of whom will make more money from me than you will (oh, and I get points from them too, so eat that, douchenozzles). And it’s a shame, cause I’m fucking loaded!

all the right/wrong reasons

2008-09-27T22:03:00.003-05:00

I was raised Lutheran (ELCA). It was pretty much an unsaid rule in my house that Sunday School was a must. Until my junior high school years, church services were like torture. Well, except when I got to sing. I was the star in our congregation (which, at its prime was probably well over 400 on a Sunday, no small feat for a ‘country church’). I was the lead in every church musical. I sang solo after solo. I was the special music for every major holiday.

Sometime around Junior High I started taking church more seriously. I’m not sure if it was that it was a safe, social thing to do (as a whole, I was a loser during my school years) or that I really felt pulled, spiritually. Looking back, I think my motivations were based on the church kids being more accepting of me; after all, Jesus loved everyone, right? I wasn’t annoyingly Jesusy, I don’t think…

Much to my parent’s chagrin, I went to the before-school Bible study, youth group, sang with our church’s worship team, went to some other church functions, spent time online in Christian chat rooms, etc… other than orchestra, it was my social outlet.

Again, looking back, I think my intentions were mostly pure, though maybe my motivations weren’t. I think I got “saved” twice or maybe three times during high school.

The day after high school graduation, I packed my car and moved to Kansas City. Though I could expand hugely on this story, I met some Christians while there, and found myself joining what some label as a cult – the International Churches of Christ. The next few months introduced me to the darker side of Christianity – where people abuse and control others using the Bible as a weapon. At the point I realized what I was involved in, it was too late – I was already broke, depressed and completely convinced that my departure from the ICC would spell certain damnation.

But I left.

Over the next few years, I tried desperately to hold to the good parts of things I learned in the ICC. To love others, to love Jesus… I started an organization that helped others get the gumption to leave the ICC and gave them support once they left, I met my husband (he’s also a former ICC member), I believed my call was into full-time ministry to others in some capacity. I was trying so hard to fill that space in my life that was so controlled by an organization, I lost sight of God. The experience I had in the ICC spiritually scarred me. And those scars I have to this day.

As much as I hate to admit it, I was really naïve. I believed that Christians were only there to help me, to support me and to love me – and I, them. But I found most of my experiences to be one-sided… with a whole lot of taking from them and not much giving – except from me. I did a short stint in Bible College, but honestly, I felt the whole thing was contrived. I’ll be the first to admit I was a bit more of a head case back then, but Bible College, like most churches I’ve been involved in, wasn’t about ministering to anyone except themselves.

At the same time, I had an obvious void in my life because of my love of church and, whether a product of or vice versa, God – so I filled it with more church, more church activities. I went into full-time ministry as a youth director and worship leader. I was on paid church staff, worked at church camps and dedicated my time and energy to God’s work. It was troublesome, though, that the imperfection of God’s people became an excuse to treat people badly – because people were imperfect, it made it somehow ok to treat people like total crap.

At one church, I was accused of stealing money from my own youth fund – over $2000. Though I managed to prove beyond all “reasonable” doubt I was not the thief, a few angry parents managed to convince the Christian education board not to remove anyone from suspicion. I resigned immediately upon receiving the letter that was sent out to the entire congregation, on a Saturday afternoon, leaving the church with no worship leader or youth director for the next day. Then there was Fellowship Church – who made me one of only 17 worship team members in a church of 15,000. Until my career (my work on an Oprah-esque website) and my weight made me unfit to be on the platform… I was removed from being a worship leader. Then there was COS, where the gap between the traditional and contemporary worship styles was not to be bridged and traditional “won out”. Then Bear Valley – my last straw – where I came in at the right time, when the founding pastor’s wife wanted a break from leading worship/playing keys… but when she was rested up, and when I voiced my upset after being treated badly at a retreat, I was removed from the worship team – I guess I went out at the right time, too. Their time.

I have just watched too much horribleness at the hands of Christians to look past it and to find a way to get past it to go back. I’ve watched as dear friends have been told that they aren’t good enough to be Christians, much less church members. I’ve watched as my friends on church staffs have been abused. I’ve watched as people have been used for money, talent and their giving hearts. I’ve watched as Christians use Jesus and God as an excuse to get out of sticky situations – God as a scapegoat – nice.

I truly believe that churches are nothing more than businesses – they have products and services to offer and a congregation that works for them – so that the leaders can get richer and gain acclaim in Christian community. Numbers are all that matter – whether offerings or membership or conversions.

I don’t want to be one of them – I don’t want to be around them… and I believe they are more the rule than the exception.

Recently, however, I’ve realized that I do have a void in my life. I realized that in some strange way, at those moments I was on the platform, in front of a congregation, leading worship – those were the moments I connected with God. It was never about being in front of anyone, it was never about there being a group of people hearing me or watching me… in those moments, it was completely and totally about me and God. It’s not a connection I got being in the congregation, I didn’t find it when I was rehearsing or in Bible study or anything like that… but there was an inexplicable connection for those few hours a week – where it was just what it was supposed to be: me connecting, truly, with God.

I’m not saying that was it – but those were the times I was keenly aware of God and His massive part in my life. So aware and tuned in – that I think it became a craving… a strange drive to make it from those moments to those moments… which made me have more drive between those moments to fill them with service to Him.

But that’s not enough – that “feeling” or that “awareness” to convince me to go back to church. Quite honestly, the thought of going back to a church makes me physically ill. You see, I can’t just go – I have to be involved. And I can’t be involved without people in the church being involved in my life. And I can’t be involved and lead worship without being a member. And membership comes with the necessity to let people into my life.

I don’t want anyone at any church to be more than casual acquaintances. I don’t believe have anything to glean from them, and they probably don’t have anything to glean from me because, frankly, I’m not willing to offer anything. There’s enough of Christ in the folks I know outside of a church, for me. I see more of Christ in those in my day to day life that I am friends with and am close to. There’s enough accountability and discipleship and all those Godsquad buzzwords without faking it and lying to be able to get that connection I miss.

So that’s it… the void and what to do about it. I want all the right reasons… but it seems the reasons are really all wrong. If I go back to church, I will be forced to lie to others. If I don’t go, I’m lying to myself.

blinded by the fries...

2008-08-18T15:38:00.004-05:00

To celebrate the launch of a project, we went out for lunch today at a local fast food restaurant (the project was for said restaurant, so that's why we went there, not because we're gluttons or gluttons for punishment) to celebrate.

5 of us are in line -behind the corral rail thing - and there's a group of folks in front of us who had ordered and were waiting for food. They were mostly teenagers (school's not back in yet here). There was also a lady with white pants on (I'll call her "WPL" from here on out).

So we're standing there, chatting, waiting in line forever, and this kid turns around and starts walking like he's blind - I mean arms out, eyes wide open - If he were faking it was the best fake ever. Give this kid an Emmy. My first thought was he was blind and just was disoriented. He was reaching for his friend -but the kid to his right didn't know him and said "Hey man, what's wrong?"

The kid kept kinda reaching around and walking and said "I'm really sorry I just kinda can't see anything right now, like I'm blind!" He wasn't overly animated... or excited or just - it was just weird.

So I said "Can you see anything? Are you blind normally?" He said "No, just now. I just need a glass of water." I asked if he's had this happen before, is he diabetic or has he had a seizure before.

I start calling 911. The kid says, "No, don't do that, I'm fine." His lips are kinda blue, he's shaking - more like trembling.

So Justin, my co-worker goes and gets him a chair and WPL gets him a glass of water. I should say here that the staff staff were totally not caring. WPL had to ask 3 times for a cup for water!

So the kid kinda comes back to and says "I'm fine." I'm already on with dispatch.

So then WPL hands the kid the cup of water, he kinda goes out again - with the whole stare/blind thing and obviously cant' see me or the water or WPL.... and WTF?!? I'm talking to dispatch... he kinda comes back and is like - "No, it's ok... I don't need an ambulance". And then WPL takes him over to sit at a table and eat his lunch.

Dispatch says that if he leaves to call them back and let them know where he headed.

So I go tell WPL that paramedics are coming. Kid seems kinda nervous, but not upset or anything. But seems to be seeing fine. He eats his lunch, WPL eats lunch with him. Kid says he'll stay to be checked out.

EMTs arrive in record time. They do the basic checks. Meanwhile WPL has convinced kid to call his mom. WPL talks to mom. Sounds like he's had this happen before. Kid tells EMTs he has no medical issues. EMTs continue checking basic vitals. Then Kid's dad calls kid's cell. Dad talks to EMT who ask dad if he's on the way o get his son. I'm at least 6 feet away waiting for my food and I can hear the dad yelling at the EMT asking how the kid got there.

Kid says he rode his bike. Dad yells at EMT something like "Well if he rode his bike there he can fucking ride it home". EMT relays the message to kid though the EMT obviously thought the kid should have a parent there.

EMTs finish up, leave and the kid rides his bike home. WPL thanked me, I thanked her, and we are both convinced something is not right... ate lunch. Got shakes to go.

But he rode is fucking bike home. I hope he made it.

wrestling with vapor

2008-08-03T11:29:00.003-05:00

We all get them - the spam-like friends requests on MySpace and Facebook from folks who want nothing more than to make a few bucks... I got one of those requests the other day, and instead of doing my standard "report as spam and delete", I decided to reply.

This one came from a profile created by a group who apparently do websites for entertainers (I'm not going to bother saying who this was or giving them any free advertising here). They were advertising a $99 website. I looked at their profile (which is broken, by the way) and then at their website, which is nothing but an unreadable one-pager with links that don't work, banners that don't link anywhere and use of typography that could only be described as ridiculous. Not to mention that there was no personal identifiable information on anyone who worked for this company, their history or experience as web professionals or the like.

So, I replied:

"It's people like you who are wrecking the name of true web marketing professionals."

I was amused (and surprised) when I got a reply...

"and what makes you think that we are not true web marketing professionals? tell me, better yet call me, and tell what you know about our company or what we do. we are a legitimate company helping up and coming artist and we are doing it right. sorry that we tried to extend our services to you. we were just trying to help you. We guarantee you if we were to help you, you would have an increase in booking and a bigger fan base. were not the ones you should be mad at, for what ever reason you are angry I don't know. we are working comedians, actors and musicians who know exactly what we are doing and we use our skill and connects to help promote and book talent to build a bigger better scene for up and coming entertainers. what are doing to help the scene?"

Besdies the aforementioned issues with their work - which was, in fact, limited to their own masturbatory creations, they don't have a portfolio, don't list the websites they have created or anything that is fairly standard in the web development community (freelance or otherwise).

Not one to back down from a fight, I went ahead and again replied:

"$99 websites? Please.

To begin with, I use correct punctuation and grammar. I'd never, ever, hire a company or "professional" who could not even communicate in a way that is reflective of business pursuits.

Furthermore, your "guarantee" is, frankly, baloney. You can't guarantee that a $99 website will increase bookings or a fan base any more than you can guarantee that using the word "professional" makes you one.

I'm not angry at all, I just find it very suspect and extremely questionable that *ANYONE* claiming to be "professional" would advertise a $99 website and then claim to guarantee results with no measurable data to back up such a claim.

As for what I'm doing to help the scene, I have spent years helping folks understand web marketing and how it can help them build their brand. And I spent countless hours with clients who have been taken by claims like yours. $99 is a lot to an emerging artist - and should be spent towards a long-term marketing and branding plan, not a one-shot pony company who will take the money and offer little value in return. And any company that charges $99 is just that.

I wish you the best of luck, truly - it just makes me sad, more than anything else, that people will fall for your cookie-cutter, one-size-fits-all approach that I later have to fix. I have to fix not only their perception of the web marketing industry, but also have to help them with the harsh reality that you get what you pay for.

Best wishes and best of luck to you -"

I think I did a pretty good job staying on-topic, eh? I mean I didn't get insulting of their persons, or their mothers, or their unadequate penis size. I simply pointed out the defects in what they were offering and how they were offering it.

For those of you still reading... a bit of a background on me. I'm originally a musician - was a music major in college, but realized it wasn't much of a career path. Not because I'm not good (I am good), but it was either performing or teaching, and I wasn't interested in teaching. Not to mention performing was a tight industry and I wanted to do things and have things and acquire masses of stuff I will never possibly be able to use. So, I continued doing music semi-professionally for a number of years, but not as my career choice.

About that same time, the internet was just taking off. I spent countless hours learning about HTML and web servers and code and "design" and got to be adept at coding and ok at design. I've never claimed to be a designer, but I'm a pretty damn good all-around web professional. Over the years I've done sites for clients that range from the mom-and-pop next door to projects you have seen and heard of - the US Air Force, Burger King, Mountain Dew, Pizza Hut, American Airlines, to name a few. And right now I work full time in the industry as a web project manager - managing projects for big clients. And in my spare time, I have a few freelance clients and help out individuals with simple sites.

My aversion and subsequent griping about a $99 website is because in all of my years in this industry, I have never seen a $100 website that was worth the money put into it. You see, a site is more than just a page with some unreadable text... you need hosting (where your site lives) - which, for a reputable server, will run you about $100 a year, and a domain name which is running about $10 a year. Right there, you're over the $99 tag. I think saying you get a website for $99 is misleading and doesn't give an accurate representation of the cost of actually having a website and keeping it online - not even to mention the design or development that goes into making something useful that works (for my clients and their users).

So, back to the point - I didn't get personally nasty at any time, but this group of "professionals" replied and spewed a bunch of nonsensical venom that I will post below. Of course, instead of this being about websites, it had to become about how I am a hack (and as an upcoming comic who works very hard to write her own material, even though she's surrounded by phonies), of course, is a ridiculous claim. Also, this company felt it necessary to lump me into the all-too-huge group of female comics who aren't funny. Well I know better. I am funny. I'm fucking hilarious. In fact, I'm sitting here right now and stroking my very own funny bone until I get a laugh ejaculation. Oh yes, that's how I roll.

So here's the nasty/nonsensical reply I received for your reading enjoyment:

"First off, we hate grammar. that's between us, and grammar and that beef started long before you sister! second off, "taken" what the hell? You REALLY dont know what youre talking about. and FIFTH, EVERYTHING we do is originally designed for these artist. You are really talking out your ass on this one. Allow me to educate you in a few areas.

We charge 99 bucks because people like YOU feel the reason to charge up the arse for something that really shouldnt cost that much. we are WORKING entertainers who know whats its like to struggle. we would NEVER do any of the things you are accusing us of.

I know you might think were new but we have running this game for years without any complaints from our actual clients. some of who you would recognize on MTV or Comedy Central, a place you will only ever hear of and never experience Im sure.

As far as cookie cutter, You must be referring to your act. Im grateful though, its women like you who have the whole world thinking that there are no funny female comedians. Its ok, just makes us work twice as hard. Its okay though, really.

I have been cleaning up after unfunny woman like you for years. I am now rolling in it! as a matter of fact I'm such a rare gem that I was able start this company and afford to help out a community I understand. Not only that ALL of our volunteers are pretty big, eating up the top ten spots in plenty of the comedy genres here. which is why we like to keep anonymous. I'm sure one day you wont understand.

You're someone I would encourage to, "quit while you're ahead" Here is a guarantee for you, I guarantee you if you EVER get anywhere outside of your hole in this business I will be on the other side of the table. The comedy community is a small one in lala land and the genuinely funny rule it. Like my partners and myself. You see, when were not designing websites, or writing, were sitting in the front row of the Hollywood Improv on Melrose booking theater shows across the country. see me ruling it. taking away your business. why dont you go work on a joke you read from your email this morning. Im sure youre a hack, you stink of it. Youre obviously projecting right now.

Sorry if our low prices unveil "designers" like you to be what you really are, thieves. You're blocked until you get better jokes. we couldn't help you anyways. we don't supply writers. that would be cheating.

pppps.

You're so great at both comedy and web design that your page is as hot as your act. Grow up, get a life, and write some jokes. even if we aren't here tomorrow we will be back and wont stop pumping out original shit for our clients. Funny anyone who has gone through us has nothing to complain about. Its always the pissed off web masters who realize the days of charging five hundred dollars for templates are dying. Guess you'll have to get a real job."

Wow. Heh. At first I wanted to write a lengthy reply defending myself, but then I thought, why the fuck do I care (oh and *I* am blocked, from *them*)? This is a nameless-faceless group of spamming fuckers who have convinced themselves that they are everything to web marketing and to entertainment. And so, they sit on their throne of idiocy and machismo and watch over this wonderful country, ummm, "ruling it" and "pumping out original shit". God. Damn. That is poetry.

You see, I never claimed to be great at comedy or web design. I never claimed to be anything other than someone who was offended by the audacity of an offer and guarantee that would only lead to struggling artists forking over a hard earned $99 to a group of spammers who aren't even willing to say who they are or show what they do.

So, my friends - and consumers, just a friendly "Buyer Beware." It's an old adage, but you get what you pay for. $99 is a small investment, yes, but it's better spent working with someone who is going to help you establish your entire web marketing plan and how it fits into marketing who you are and what makes you unique. And no, I'm not saying that you need to spend $500 or $5000 on a web project, but I am saying that there is never, ever a one-size-fits-all package that you should be put into. Your brand should be important enough to you to make it unique and different... whether that's your business cards, your head shots or your website.

And a real professional will work with you, no matter your limitations or your abundances.

But hey, THEY are "ruling it." What the fuck do I know? After all, I'm not in "lala land." It is obvious they are, in more ways than one.

Well, back to my Sunday! I enjoy my weekends off from my nearly six-digit paying day job that I've worked very hard to get and am great at. And I have a pile of emails with jokes in them I need to get to. Such a busy life.

hey texas friends, i miss you. love, me

2008-04-21T10:17:00.002-05:00

There aren't many things I miss about Texas. Chicago's just a much better fit for us - money-wise, weather-wise, opportunity-wise.

But I miss my Texas friends. And this weekend I missed them more than I have since I moved, I think.

Not that my Illinois friends aren't great, they are - but I'm just so fucking frustrated.

There's tons going on right now. We bought a house, and the hubby has a horrible schedule (10-7 in the city - so he's gone from 8a - 9p every day), so I'm left to do everything, really. I have to pack the house, do all the errands, work on the new house -except for Saturday and Sunday, when Mike is home. And to afford said house, I have to work my regular day job and do freelance. So I'm working 8:30-5:30 then doing freelance every night for a couple of hours and then eating dinner with the hubby, then an hour of freelance before going to bed.

Spreading things thin, I am - which is leaving me no time to do anything I really enjoy (like starting back at doing comedy again, or singing/writing music).. but that's life, and I chose what I have.

I guess yesterday I just got upset as I stood in my front yard, raking it all myself - hubby was off to pick up a friend from the airport... knowing that I have to pay movers, paying a painter to finish the house, paying a friend of mine to help me pack the house. I guess it just all got to me.

I guess I just feel like my Texas friends were more of the hand-lending type. More give and take. They would offer to help and show up and do what needed to be done. They weren't too busy for me. They didn't expect to get paid to lend a hand.

But I have it so easy, right - what with no kids to worry about, a good paying job, a new house... And I'm just frustrated right now. And overwhelmed. And feeling as though I really can't count on anyone to just be there for me when I need them.

It's fine, really - just frustrated and I needed to get this out before I took it out on anyone and regretted it.

So yeah, I miss my Texas friends. Not because they'd do things for me and more importantly with me - but because with those friends I guess I just feel there was give AND take.

And before anyone asks, this is not directed at anyone in particuloar or any situation in particular.- it's just how I'm feeling right now, in general.

just because you're a "doctor" doesn't mean you're not a douchebag

2008-03-13T19:16:00.003-05:00

My dear friend, boogerphobe recently ran into a case of a very bad veterinarian. I wanted to post my thoughts (and emails) here.

You can read boogerphobe's related posts - here, here and here.

Also, our mutual friend, invisibelle, posted a good backgrounder (DO READ THIS!!) and her email in this post.

I decided to send an email to the vet clinic the other day.

Here it is...

To Dr. Hulka and the staff of Green Oaks North Pet Hospital Arlington, Texas

I think what you did to the *Smith*'s regarding Odin was just completely horrible. You treated that family like they are bad pet owners and made a very difficult decision even harder. I will be sure to tell everyone I know about what you have done (including your misleading the *Smith*'s regarding reporting the bites) and what terrible people you are and what an unethical business you run. I am going to post all over the internet and in every community related to animals and animal care that Green Oaks North Pet Hospital in Arlington is a dangerous place for both their pets and their family. I am also going to contact the local newspapers and reach out to all the local media about this horrible injustice.

*Mr* and *Mrs* *Smith* are two of the best people I know, and two of the most responsible pet owners I've had the pleasure of knowing - and for you to take the decision of how to handle their pet out of their hands to do what is best for both Odin and their own safety - how dare you! Odin is a beautiful dog who was brought up on a family of immense love. The decision to put Odin down was one that *Mr* and *Mrs* came to as a very last resort. They had taken lots of time, money and different routes to help Odin's behavior, only to come to the last resort - having Odin put down before he hurt himself or someone terribly.

Dr. Hulka - they trusted you. You were a great vet to Taffy and Odin - *Mr* and *Mrs* raved about you. And for you to take that trust and for your staff to do what you did to Odin and the *Smith*'s in the this situation is just so incredibly horrible and disgusting. How dare you betray that trust!

For you and your staff to turn Odin's last days into a horrible time in a cage and strange place is just completely unacceptable. What you have done is not only turn the last few days of an exceptionally loved and cared for dog into a nightmare - both for Odin and his owners, but you've also managed to take a relationship between pet owners and their vet into a hostile one.

I don't usually wish bad things on people, but I will do everything legally that I can to be sure your business suffers as a result of this. If even just one pet owner decides against using your services, it will be time well spent and I will consider it a win. Unfortunately, no amount of suffering your business could endure would be anything like how you've made the *Smith*'s suffer.

AverageJane

Dr. Dye (the counterpart to Dr. Hulka) at Green Oaks North Pet Hospital in Arlington, Texas replied to me today.

You can read his reply here...

And, with that -
Here is my final reply...

Dr. Dye -

Thank you for replying to my email. I know you have already received a reply from Mrs. *Smith*, so I will try to keep this brief.

First, your assertion that the *Smith*'s situation may have been one of convenience only goes to show that you and your staff are, indeed, the shallow doctors I believed you to be when I initially heard Mrs. *Smith*'s recalling of the events relating to Odin. Clearly your office is only skilled to deal with routine pet issues. I think that is valid information for the public to know.

Next, your claim that the law requires you to report any bites is, in fact, false. Before my last email to you - and before looking up the law in Arlington myself (which is available on their site), I spoke with a dear friend fo mine with over 10 years as a veterinary technician. She informed me that she knew only of a law that required a report if there was broken skin or a means of rabies to be transferred. As a layperson who does not work in pet care, I find it completely absurd that you would, based only on a phone conversation that you were not first party to, relay not only false information about said law to the *Smith*'s, but also to the authorities. If a simple person, like myself, can understand a black-and-white law, then you, sir, a veterinary health professional with doctor credentials, should have known this.

Third, based on the facts as relayed in your email - I am even more convinced now that not only did you and your clinic/staff act unprofessionally - you defrauded the *Smith* family by relaying false information to them about the law you used to have Odin impounded. That, sir, is misconduct and unprofessional I hope, armed with your very words, the *Smith*s pursue every avenue they have available to have you and your staff formally charged with such misconduct.

In closing - libel and slander are only such if the information relayed is false. I am confident that the information I have is true, and am further backed up by your email response, where you misquoted the very law in which you caused Odin and the *Smith*s to unjustly suffer. Please know that I will be happy to quote you in any communications about this matter as I surely want people to be able to decide for themselves, based on the facts you presented.

You see, Dr. Dye, whether or not you "tolerate" my actions to warn others of your potential to to not act in an ethical or professional way does not negate the fact that you and your staff were wrong - provided false information and, subsequently caused harm to the *Smith*s.

Thank you and have a very nice day -
AverageJane

the gun debate

2008-02-19T09:18:00.005-06:00

Too many shootings. Just too many. *shakes head* In what seems an instant, a cold-blooded coward takes the lives of innocent people. And, as if to snub Justice, turns the gun on himself - the most cowardly act of all.

We've all heard the debates...

Guns are too easy to get. Guns should be under tighter restrictions or banned altogether.
There should be more guns available to law abiding citizens.

I have to say I am more of the side 2 mentality, but not because I believe that these instances would have a different outcome (though partially, at least, I believe that the number killed could be at least partially mitigated). It's because I believe that by law abiding citizens having the ability to carry their weapons concealed and for personal defense, and not be restricted as to where they may carry, it would stand as a major deterrent for these nutjobs.

But, of course, we're talking about crazy mother fuckers here, so with that in mind, I shall continue with my thoughts...

When is the last time you heard of a cowardly killer going to a police department or a military base or an NRA meeting and carrying out a shooting? That's right, never. Because in all of those instances, even a messed up wannabe murderer knows that there are no easy targets in those situations.

These campus killings, store shootings, etc, all have one thing in common - they happened in situations where sane, law-abiding citizens were prevented, by law, from protecting themselves or others. These innocent victims were asked to place themselves in a situation where they were fish in a barrel - ripe for the picking by whatever crazy-ass lunatic burst through the doors.

Getting rid of guns, having stricter gun laws does NOTHING to prevent whackjobs from carrying out these horrific murders. Because criminals will always be criminals. They don't care about tighter gun laws any more than they care about gun-free school zones any mroe than they care about paying sales tax. They will find guns, they will kill people with them, and it's just the average Joes and Janes who will be left with absolutely no recourse whatsoever to fight back. And don't even get me started on knives, mace, etc.

Just you try bringing a can of pepper spray to a gunfight.

necesito aprender español. google no funcionará más.

2007-12-06T23:34:00.000-06:00

"Olle vato, que paso? Yo soy con mi mi que no? Cayate puto!"

That's what hubby's friend's wife said to say to my neighbor - who is outside right now (11:33pm CST) shoveling his driveway. Seriously. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU. You live in a dense residential area (dark green for you Sim City fans)... where the houses are 10 feet apart, tops...

what
the
fuck
is
wrong
with
you?

Tonight we had 1 inch of snow, maybe 2, tops.

The other night (we got about 5 inches overnight), he was out at 12am shoveling - and his toddler was outside with him...

This has to be against the noise ordinance, right? I mean there wasn't enough snow there to get stuck in. Seriously.

WTFIWWY?

I should open the door right now and say "¿Dónde está mi pistola?"

Alas, I am scantly clad - it's 11:38pm, after all.

the middle road

2007-12-04T13:20:00.000-06:00

Last night was my intermediate comedy class graduation show... I didn't go up.

I am not sure what went wrong with this class - or rather not just one thing led me to these feelings. Maybe I'm just a bitch - but this was in no way an "Intermediate" class. The majority of the class had also been with me in the beginner class (which was a prerequisite for the Intermediate class). I really feel that had I had a chance to be in a class with those who had been doing comedy on a regular basis for a year or more, things may have been different. From day one of the class through last night, the instructor and even the co-instructors had no idea I had been doing comedy for well over a year - on a regular basis.

And while I don't think I'm good - hell, most times I struggle with doing an OK job, I'm not a nuts and bolts beginner. But I was treated that way. I know how it feels to get up in front of a primed audience who is there to laugh at everything you say. I know how that feels - it feels great... and I love that I have had that experience already - but that wasn't what I was looking for from the Intermediate class.

I wanted to network, to get some tips to write better, to perform better , to network and to be seen by the booker at the club.

Honestly, the class made me dislike doing comedy. Made me dislike writing comedy (which I already struggled with) and made what little confidence I'd built up over the past year and a half crumble beneath me.

Not fat enough to tell fat jokes - when in reality I'm not that much smaller than the biggest guy that was in my class. Not white enough to talk about how white I am - but I am truly whiter than the guy who used that for nearly 3.5 of his five minutes. And from week to week - the criticism I got directly contradicted what I heard previously. The criticism I had acted on and worked hard to remedy for the current class. I was lost - and the work I was putting in - for nothing. What I had on paper didn't even sound like me... and it was worse on stage. I was just reciting lines.

I emailed the class organizer last Friday and hope he'd have passed onto the instructor I wasn't going to go up (and even why) - but he didn't. So I had to deal with "Just go up, you'll love it." badgering from the instructor up to show time. Never mind he didn't care WHY I wasn't going up... he didn't even ask... And I didn't bother to tell anyone in class why I wasn't going up. I didn't want to cause a scene or any other such. Well, those who read this blog know - but I didn't go up last night - not because I'm chicken - I LOVE the stage. I LOVE comedy. I didn't go up because it would have been someone else up there, telling jokes I didn't believe in, that I didn't find funny, that I didn't feel represented me.

You see, I want to work hard - and then do my best. And if I fail, I fail because I didn't work hard enough, or didn't write well enough. And if I succeeed, I want to know I got that laugh because I worked damn hard for it. I want to earn my responses - good or bad.

So, given all of that, the way I saw/see it - I had 3 options:

Do the material "I've" written in class - and unfortunately I don't feel comfortable with, I'm not committed to it and and I don't feel like it's me - so that option means not being true to myself.
Do my own material I do believe in, which is disrespectful to the instructor and what he's asked for in the class.
Refrain from participating but be there to support my classmates by being in the audience.

So right before the show, just before the instructor came around with the order (he had me in the 2 spot, and was going to put me up regardless of what I said), one of the co-instructors actually took a few minutes to sit down and ask me why I wasn't going up. I told him all of it, and he seemed like he understood. I really appreciated that. He gave me his email address in case I ever want some feedback (and I do).

And right up until I walked out the door last night, people were commenting on how one day I'd get up there, and that I'd love it and they'd probably see me at open mics someday.

Someday...

This did do one thing for me - it solidified WHY I do comedy - for ME. It IS all about me - and if I'm not going to go up and be me, I'm not going to go up at all.

next stop: frustration station

2007-11-25T15:08:00.000-06:00

I'm so frustrated with comedy right now.

I have been busting my ass for weeks now trying to nail down a new five minute set for a class I'm taking in Chicago. I really was hoping this would be a point where I could really hunker down and come up with some new material and solidify who I thought I was as a comic, but it's turned out to be the opposite.

Each week I have left class more frustrated than the week before. Each week I don't just show up, I really believe I've come prepared, acting on the feedback previously given, and really trying to turn on a new persona - and get away from resting on fat jokes. And each week I walk away feeling like I've accomplished NOTHING.

Last week I wrote and wrote and wrote and sent some stuff to a couple of my old comedy buddies in Texas for some feedback - and Dondo was right - it was ALL crap. It wasn't me. It wasn't funny. So I spent nearly 8 hours straight refining my premises, going over line by line - making sure my setups/punches/tags proved my premise. And I felt really good about 2 of the 3 of my bits, only to get another night of relentless unconstructive criticism.

And I *know* I hear more negatives than positives, I'm like that. And life's hard, princess - not everyone's going to like me. And comedy's hard. And I don't need my ego stroked ALL the time. But when you cough up a few hundred dollars, you'd hope there'd be something constructive there.

I've found this class harder to deal with than some of the toughest open mic nights I've ever been to. Should a class I've paid for and put so much into make me feel worse than getting heckled by drunk, unemployed men in a dark Irish pub when I haven't really prepared?

I'm not enjoying myself. I'm not having fun. And yes, I know comedy is HARD work, but it should also be fun, shouldn't it? And worse is that my instructor really isn't enjoying himself, either - which makes me feel like I'm not trying hard enough as a student.

So "graduation" is a little over a week away - on stage in front of a good number of folks I'd invited a few weeks ago when I believe I would have something worth seeing. Now I want to uninvite them. And I don't want the club booker to see what I've got - cause I don't feel like it's me.

I don't believe in my material. I don't believe in my new persona and I don't believe I've much of anything good to preform. And sadly, I don't believe I got a good value for what I've spent.

Urgh.

Your privates are not private

2007-10-23T23:50:00.001-05:00

In the news, recently, has been story after story about a Maine Middle School who has approved giving birth control to its students.

Ok, without recapping the whole story, here's a breakdown of the facts, as I have understood them:

The school has a health center.
Students, with parent's permission, can utilize the health center for their health needs.
The school board has recently approved those who have parental permission to utilize the health center to get birth control pills (among other contraceptives).

Ok, so we can ALL agree that an 11 year should not be having sex. An 11 year old should really have the fear of God put into them and be told that their netherreggions will grow full of some scary monster if they have sex... but - ok, we all agree - MIDDLE SCHOOLERS SHOULD NOT BE HAVING SEX.

But thanks to our wonderful society and un-engaged parents, kids are becoming more and more wannabe adults. And thus, some kids are going to have sex.

I should say here, that my 7th grade year in middle school (back in 88), my cousin was pregnant - an eighth grader. And she wasn't the only one. So I know it happens.

Now, my entire blog post here isn't really about the health center, or the birth control, it's about another issue that struck me while listening to this news story: Kids who are approved to use the health center, and who request birth control - those kids - can do so without their parents even knowing what they're asking for or being given.

Ok, WTF? What the fuck?

When I was 11 I had no privacy. NONE. My parents knew everything I did. When I wanted to go spend the night at a friend's house, my mom would call her mom, and they'd talk, and agree, and then I could go. No talk, no go. There was nothing in my 11-year-old-life my parents didn't know.

Apparently there is a law on the books in Maine that protects the privacy of minors. Even from their parents.

What the fuck? Again, I ask you, WHAT THE FUCK!?

Until I was the age of 18 and had moved out of my house, my parents had every right to know every detail of what was going on in my life. And those parents, whether or not they give permission for their tax breaks to get to use the health center, should be able to count on knowing what's going on in that health center, as it relates to their child.

The problem isn't the school, or the birth control or the health center - the problem is the obnoxious law that prevents the parents and guardians of minors from knowing what is being put into their children's bodies!

I don't recall a doctor's visit when I was in middle school that my mom wasn't in the room for. I couldn't get a prescription for an ear infection without my parent's picking it up for me at the pharmacy - now we're protecting the PRIVACY RIGHTS of children who cant' even realize that at the age of 10, 11 and 12 they're TOO YOUNG to be having sex?

OMG.

So these little prostitots are off fucking around, get birth control, and the parents aren't let in on this big secret becauese the kids are protected? Good lawwwwddd!

Let me guarantee you, if I were 11, having sex --- within seconds of my folks finding out, I would have had all the birth control I would have needed. Most likely in the form of a wooden spoon or some other such.

The only privacy law my parents instilled in me was that as long as I was living in their home, under their rules, and under the age of 18, nothing was private - unless they let it be that way.

that "no so fresh" feeling

2007-10-08T14:42:00.001-05:00

So, it's been quiet here. Yeah. I've pretty much been stewing since early last week.

The last of the beginning comedy workshop sessions was last Monday, and it didn't go so well - for me. I had been super frustrated up to that point, trying to write new material. I did about 3/4 new stuff and my comments were - as follows (paraphrased, of course):

1. I'm not fat enough to tell fat jokes
2. Sadly, I may have white-girl syndrome - i.e. white girl who tells jokes but nothing really memorable or that stands out.
3. And this quote "Mentally, you're ahead of where you should be." Followed by "But don't take that in the wrong way."
and finally
4. I have a spark.

So yeah - I was taken aback by the fat thing. Yes, most of the jokes I write have been fat jokes - but I've really been trying very hard to not write so many fat jokes. They just get the laughs. But hey, so does the word "fuck" - and I have been doing better to not say that. I already knew that I had too many fat jokes - but to be told I'm not fat enough . I guess it's a compliment? So yeah.

I'm bothered that I'm not unique. I have been thinking all week about things about me that make me different. Negative characteristics - I'm lazy, I'm smart but don't apply myself, I hate people, in general. Who am I? I had thought I was the fat girl who was fun to be with - but now I have to think again.

Not sure about what 3 meant. I have been taking it as I should go back and start over and not get ahead of myself. I never asked to be an opener - I was asked, so I thought I was ready . Maybe this means I'm not ready?

I have a spark. Yes, yes, that's true. Comedy is like all I think about. I watch comedy- live and TV, I read books about comedy, I write at least an hour a day on average. All I think about is comedy. I'm kind of obsessed. So spark - well, yeah. You could say that.

I guess I just wasn't sure what to expect, and while the input was objective and critical - it wasn't very constructive on how it was presented. For a few days I thought that for the money I spent I should have gotten some constructive criticism out of the class - I just think that there were others there (granted, totally n00bs) - and they were raked over the coals - but there was at least something positive communicated to each of them. I felt as though I was just - brushed aside . Could be because the night was coming to a close quickly and we were out of time ,and I was last.

I open in Springfield this weekend. I have been second-guessing myself all week. I've decided to the gig, then throw out all my material and start over fresh after Saturday night.

So the intermediate workshop starts tomorrow. We'll see how that goes. I know I need a thicker skin, but 6 weeks of negativity may not bode well for my self esteem. I should get at least a few constructive items for my money - right?

We'll see.

god is pro-choice

2007-09-15T22:23:00.000-05:00

Watching the news tonight - there's a story about a Planned Parenthood opening in my city. It's a large state-of-the-art facility that provides services to women and families. And yes, in some cases, abortions.

Of course the story turns to the protesters. Protesters who walk up and down the sidewalks - circling the building seven times (a Biblical reference, of course). Some wearing t-shirts, lots carrying signs, and a few carrying crosses. The vast majority of protesters - Christians. Wearing Jesus shirts, carrying crosses, reciting prayers and creeds...

"Abortion is homicide."
"Life begins at conception."

Nothing that anyone reading this hasn't heard before.

The protesters have succeeded, thus far, in hindering the opening of the facility - a facility that rightfully and legally applied to the city, and been granted, the approval to build the structure and occupy it. Now, due to these protesters, the city has put the opening of the facility on hold pending more investigation of whether or not paperwork was filed correctly.

Planned Parenthood - the organization that strikes fear and anger in the hearts of Christians everywhere. Yet Planned Parenthood is not, and has never been, synonymous with abortion. The organization provides services including STD testing, sexual health resources and education, pregnancy testing, pap smears, birth control and yes, abortions.

I know the facts - I know that Planned Parenthood facilities perform approximately 17% of the total US abortions performed each year. And I also know there are approximately 1.2 million abortions in this country each year.

A point of contention for me is that I do not believe that all abortions are evil and wrong. I have to leave room for extreme health circumstances. But I firmly believe that abortion is not a form of birth control. And it shouldn't be treated that way.

So, all of that said. I'm just simply infuriated by "Christians" who protest these clinics. To them I wish I could convey how some of the rest of the world feel when we see these ridiculous protests that benefit no one. They don't save lives. Protests haven't resulted in any marked difference in the number of abortions performed in our country. And protests haven't resulted in a difference in the number Planned Parenthood performs.

There is no measurable result of your holier-than-thou protests. There is no measurable result coming from your marching, your chanting and your arrogant and ignorant dissent.

These people really do practice what is a huge turnoff to me: ala carte Christianity. They pick and choose which portions of The Bible they use to condemn and judge others. In one breath, they chose to become Christians - to follow God, to surrender their lives. But the very next breath condemns choices that others make - using that same free will.

You see, I believe, very firmly God is pro-choice.

That's right - I'll say it again - GOD IS PRO CHOICE.

And how can I believe this?

Get two post its - label one YES and the other NO. Then think about a decision you have to make.

If God didn't want us to have a choice - the only post-it that would be out - when you're looking at any decision would be just the YES or just the NO. No choice. You are only given the option God wants you to have.

We have free-will We are GRANTED free-will.. And you, Mr./Mrs. Protester, can't have it both ways. You can't believe and profess that God has granted man free-will and be anything other than pro-choice.

[if you'd like to argue free will - here's my thoughts: Throughout the Bible, God continuously instructs mankind to make righteous decisions through free-will. Yet these protesters misinterpret a few verses to arrive at the false idea that mankind does not have free will to do good or make righteous decisions. If you need a few reminders on God's giving man free will, check out Deuteronomy 30:11-19, John 14:15; John 15:7; Romans 2:10; 1 Cor 9:24; 1 Timothy 6:12; 2 Timothy 2:21 and 1 John 5:1.]

If God were not pro-choice - then there'd be no options. God has the ability to completely take away the ability to take away a choice. He has the actual ability to remove one of those post its. And as humans, we are in no position to do or think or say otherwise.

Either God granted man free-will or not. You can't have it both ways. Either God grants free-will and allows there to be a choice, or not.

Why not set aside your signs and your t-shirts and stop your chanting and get involved with the women who have one of the 1.2 million abortions each year? Why? Because you won't get news coverage for that. You don't get cool matching t-shirts that say "Choose relationships." You don't get to make signs, carry them around and be seen. You don't get to end your day getting high fives from 20 other people who stood next to you.

No, instead you'd have to make a difference in someone's life, one on one. You'd have to set aside your warped and tunneled view of what and who belongs next to you on Sunday morning - or who you choose to spend time with instead of you ladies circle or church softball team. You'd actually have to do something measurable for a real-life-person.

But instead, you choose to carry your signs, march and complain about how unfair it is that the rest of the world has choices.

I find that disturbingly ironic.

And simply because you, Mr./Mrs.Protester believe it's in your hands to pick and choose which portions of grace you pass onto others, God gets to freely choose. And so do I.

who does number 3 work for?

2007-09-04T10:17:00.000-05:00

Last Sunday I participated in my first ever comedy contest. A lot of comics have mixed feelings about such contests - and I'm one of them. In one respect, it's like comparing apples to oranges, quite often, but on the other side it's fun to be a bit competitive, at least outwardly.

The organizers of the contest did a great job with things, IMHO. We had a great host/emcee - Vince Carone, and it was at ComedyComedy Live in Aurora. I love that venue - well, when there aren't bands in the courtyard.

11 comics - 5-8 mins each. It was a good mix of folks, really. Some seasoned, some not.

The audience voted - everyone there at the beginning of the show got a list of all the acts and chose their 1st, 2nd and 3rd place selections. The 1st place comic got a paid slot as the feature for a weekend at ComedyComedy Live and also a spot in the fall competition at CCL.

I was fourth in the lineup. I'd rate my set as a B-. I had thrown in 2 new bits I'd not done on stage yet (not something I'd normally do, but wanted to get them out there to a real crowd). The outcome of those two new bits? One needs to be pared down, but had 3 definite full crowd laughs, the other went really well and I'll be keeping it - though it's definitely a bit that needs to be in the middle of a set - and some crowds may benefit from it being explained to them [snicker]. I added a zinger to my intro based on the host/emcee's set before the competition started - that was a good move to get the crowd on my side.

At the last minute - I threw in an extra bit because I was worried I didn't have a long enough set. I realized about 3 lines in that I had already fucked it up, and then that bit was a struggle to fix. That was simply due to not practicing enough.

I tend to over prepare - to the point of not being engaged enough with the crowd - but in this case, I didn't prepare that bit enough and I shouldn't have added it. I think that bit changed the outcome.

The result? I came in as the 2nd loser (3rd place). Not bad. The winner did very well - he was a semifinalist in the Chicago Sierra Mist Comedy Challenge this past summer, and 2nd place was taken by Stacy Lynn Fletcher - a fairly seasoned comic who has done some cool things on a big scale - including "Showtime At The Apollo".

So, all in all - not bad being third. Not as good as first, but not as bad as last.

why you hate childrens

2007-08-21T11:42:00.001-05:00

I have two black garbage cans - the tote kind with a handle and wheels. They sit outside my garage, just in front of it, and wait to be filled with my filth and excess stuff.

More than a few handfuls of time over the past few weeks, I've come home to find my trash cans strewn about my driveway. Sometimes in odd positions (doggy style, for example), and sometimes knocked over (thankfully not knocked up). They've been empty, as they have been replaced with the city's snazzy blue cart for filth - but still, my trash cans lay about.

It's been raining a lot here (and you have no idea how hard it is to find somewhere to park and Ark at PF Chang's). And I briefly considered the rain or water had been moving them or knocking them over, or some combination of both. I realized this was crazy, as I neither live on a hill or in a river's current. But on clear days, the same thing happened. What could be going on?

By an act of what I could only call God shining down upon me, I got to work from home for an entire day. A day of lounging about in my pajamas, throwing the ball for the dog, while hitting a few keyboard buttons. True bliss, I tell you.

It also occurred that on this righteous day of aforementioned God-shining, that this may be the chance for me to catch the aliens who were abducting and quite obviously sexually molesting my trash cans (I knew at the least they were anal probed, as one of the can's wheels is slightly askew). And even more ideal - my home office faces the front of the house - where I can see the entire driveway and even the trash cans, if I were so inclined to get up out of my chair.

But like any smart aliens, they would not be tricked... they must have sensed my presence - or smelled my lunch of a fried egg sammich - so the day went on as usual - nothing of note and no sign of E.T.

At 3:45, I spotted the spaceship coming up the driveway - actually 2 of them. They weren't like I had expected - they had 2 spoked wheels and looked a lot like bicycles. And the aliens, must to my disappointment, looked a lot like pre-teen boys.

I hung up the phone to the FBI so as not to seem like an idiot.

And there it was - the cause of my trash can disruption - 2 boys, on bikes, running into my trash cans. Yes, running into them. They'd hit them then try to avoid them and run into them again.

They weren't even wearing helmets! The horror!

I watched as they did this 3 or 4 times - riding up and down the street and into my driveway - into my trash cans.

Then I got out the camcorder. I don't know how to use it yet, but I just wanted a prop, really. That's what I needed, a good prop.

The next time they came through, I opened the blinds a bit and the window and yelled "Stay the hell out of my driveway or I'll call the cops."

I could tell that wasn't effective, as they laughed and laughed as they rode away. Normally I wouldn't mind being laughed at, but those little shits... Mike was on the phone and had a good laugh.... I hung up and sat back down to "work".

A few minutes came and went and they came back! This time I pulled the blinds up with force and yelled, "HEY!" Holding the camcorder, I pointed it at them and said - "Come back again and I'll fucking give this video to the cops. " Then I sat a webcam on the windowsill (it wasn't hooked up, but the shock factor was awesome.

I heard one kid say "Oh crap!" and they rode home and proceeded to talk in the driveway about the mean lady down the street who has video of them in her driveway.

Yeah.

And the webcam still sits right there on the windowsill.

2007-08-07T09:00:00.001-05:00

Today I meet my new PCP. Yay! :( I hate doctors. HATE. It'll just be more of "You're fat, lose weight." "You need to take less insulin." All things I know, of course, with no plan on how to fix it.

2 questions today for new doc:
1. What is your stance on weight-loss surgery - specific to me and my medical issues.
2. What is your take on hypnosis for weight loss?

I am going to a hypnotherapist on Thursday. My appointment is as 6:00 and it's a free consultation - to talk about my goals, ask questions and to find out, indeed, if I can be hypnotized. I have my reservations, of course.

Here's where I'm going. Good testimonials for weight loss.

I'm at the point where I'm ready to do crazy/non-traditional/drastic things to lose weight.

I'm also applying for season 2 of Big Medicine.

eat me

2007-08-03T13:46:00.000-05:00

So last night I'm IM'ing with a friend of mine, who happens to be vegetarian. She was telling me about this soup she made.

I, in turn, tell her about this awesome bacon from this place in Missouri.

She then goes on a 153 line rant about how gross meat is.

"Ewwwww, I mean - gag. I just can't... Those animals, those poor animals. The thought just makes me want to puke." blah, blah fucking blah.

You know what? I didn't go on and on about your eating of vegetables - so lay the fuck off about my carnivorous nature.

"Oh my god! Lentils in tomato broth? Fucking nasty! And Lima beans? Holy fuck, that's gross! I mean just think about how they spread feces all over that field and those plants just lay there, below all that shit. Gross. Ack. It seriously makes me want to heave."

God that's annoying. Fuck! I mean, in those moments, I just want to kick the living shit out of you. So fuck you, vegetarians. Fuck you and your pretentious judgment of my meat-eating. Besides you eating no meat leaves more meat for me.

At least when I describe what I have for dinner it doesn't boil down to beans, beans an beans. Ha!

Farter!

but i don't wanna!!!

2007-08-01T16:16:00.001-05:00

Listen, I'm 30-years-old... and I don't want set up your meetings or type up your meeting notes. I want to do my job. The job I was hired to do. I want to make cool web things. I want to build neat internet projects.

Occasionally I want to spend some time reading blogs and trying out new technology. I want to blog about how I'm feeling so I don't take it out on anyone important. I want a sense of completion every now and then.

I want to contribute ideas and change the way people think about our products and what we do - and I want to use technology to do it in creative, exciting ways.

You know, the things we talked about in my interview and during my first week here? Yeah, those things.

But I really, really don't want to be an administrative assistant. I'm too far along in my career to take a step back like that. It hurts my pride... it damages my self-worth. Both of which are in short supply.

Don't get me wrong - had you said early on that part of my duties would be to do secretarial things, I may understand how it has become a big chunk of my day. But the fact is that I'm an Internet guru - a web marketing mogul, of sorts - and I don't want to be a secretary. I'm not good at that stuff. Well, ok, I am but that's not my point.

Alright?

I typed up your meeting notes and they're in your in-box.

I want ice cream. And a pedicure.

my biggest mistake

2007-07-30T21:53:00.000-05:00

How did it come to this? My biggest mistake was letting myself get to this point. This is my fault. I have brought this upon myself.

Very soon reality will hit - the same reality that has hit others in my family...

My body will just stop accepting the insulin I am taking. My kidneys will fail. That's if I don't have a heart attack or stroke first. In the short term, my eyes will get even blurrier than they already are. I won't be able to take care of myself - simple things like going to the bathroom are starting to get difficult.

I'm already to the point where it's painful. I hurt, everywhere, every day. It hurts to sit up for more than a few hours at a time.

And this love of food. I can't ignore it. I can't turn it off. I can't stop it.

I believe it will stop me before I figure out how to stop it.

HWJD? (how would jesus drive)

2007-07-23T13:25:00.000-05:00

Every time someone cuts me off in traffic or on the way to the Taco Bell drive thru - they have a barrage of Jesus bumper stickers...

"God's Gift On Earth"
[picture of a church]
"Assembly Required"

"Jesus is the reason for EVERY season."

And Jesus probably wouldn't have been so showy - I mean really - an Oldsmobile Achieva with spinners? Son of God seems more like a Kia Spectra guy. Good warranty and all.

SRSLY - if you want to drive like an asshole, don't put Jesus stickers on your car. I'm sure Jesus would have yieled to the right-of-way drivers - even if that wouldhave meant waiting 42 more seconds for that chalupa.

And yeah, I think Jesus would have made a run for the border. Jesus seems like a spicy chicken chalupa guy to me.

barren and bitchy

2007-07-23T13:24:00.001-05:00

I find it somewhat unfair that Nicole Richie is pregnant and I am barren.

*sigh*

But hey, at least now she'll be eating for one.

She's a marvel of modern medicine...with as gaping as that vagina is, you would think gravity would have won.

Enterprise Rent-A-Car "We'll Fuck You Up!"

2007-07-02T10:47:00.000-05:00

The bad part about traveling by train to Chicago is that if you want to do anything outside of the immediate area of your hotel, you have to rent a car. Renting said car is expensive, to say the least – not to mention the ridiculous gas prices in a big city.

So, Becky and I are in Chicago (yes, the same trip as the "burn curse" entry before this one) and I have a second interview in Woodridge [read: West suburbs] and had to rent a car.

So, B and I are staying in the Hyatt Regency, and there’s supposedly an Enterprise Rent-A-Car on-site. So the night before I needed the car, I call Enterprise, and apparently the on-site location has been closed – as of that day. Suck.

We needed the car the next AM so I could get to the burbs by mid-AM. It also happens to be the day we’re leaving Chicago to go back to Springfield. So the plan is to:
1. Check out of hotel in the AM
2. Load up into a cab
3. Take cab to Enterprise location
4. Load up rental car
5. Do interview
6. Drive back, return rental car
7. Take cab to Union Station
8. Get on train back to Springfield

The plan seemed good enough. I mean what could go wrong/? I could never, EVER imagine what happened next.

So steps 1-3 went ok enough – save that there was something going on near the hotel that had like 235723 tour and school buses everywhere. IT took like 20 mins to go 8 blocks.

Finally, we get to Enterprise (on Lake St.) – we pull up front, and unload the cab. We tip the cab driver for not killing us on the way there.

I go inside and proceed to get the paperwork going for my rental. There are about 5 employees in the location, and I notice that the young agent is looking out the front window and talking to another employee. There’s a truck/van thing with flashing lights in front of the location.

Young agent sarcastically to to lady agent: “Well, that’s gonna be good for business.”

Both agents walk away and go out into the garage.

Perky brunette agent is still getting my car info ready – checking my license, etc.

I see the two agents looking around through the garage exit at the street/front of the store. They pace a bit, talk and then come back into the store where they then get another guy and are talking, behind the counter.

Lady agent “Well, someone’s going to have to say something…”
Young agent “I guess I can, what should I say?”
Lady agent “Just ask [something something] move. [something something] few minutes, [something something] police.”

It's at this point that I realize they are talking about B and our bags. They thought she was a homeless person out there with a set of luggage and nice bags - just stopping to live on their sidewalk.

See, after we got out of the cab, I asked B to wait outside with our bags (they were heavy to carry) until I get the car and then we’ll load it up. It was a nice, cool morning, and when I got the car, we have to drive out of the garage. Seems logical to just wait there.

Perky Brunette agent hands my paperwork to me, asks me to sign. And then asks if I need anything else. And I say…

“I hope you’re not going to go out there and say something incredibly stupid to my friend who’s waiting with my bags.”

You could have heard a pin drop.

Seriously, crickets.

Perky Brunette – who was truly oblivious to what was going on - said to the other agents “You didn’t say anything to that lady did you?”

To which I reply –“No, but *I* heard everything they were saying about her.”

So then Young Agent and other guy agent start stumbling to apologize. Saying things like “Why didn’t you guys come in, it’s air conditioned in here?” etc. Ridiculous.

Guy agent then says – why don’t I go and help her put your things in the car? Good idea, shitchowder.

After we’re done with the car, we returned it and they asked how my experience was. I told them all was great except thinking my best friend was a homeless person. They apparently heard all about it, apologized again. The guy behind the counter actually says to me “Well those things happen.” What? Huh? Other girl at the location says “No, it doesn’t, and it’s been dealt with.”

Dealt with… hummm.

the homeless curse

2007-07-02T09:27:00.000-05:00

Becky and I recently took a trip to Chicago. We had a number of "experiences" and I want to make sure I document these, for posterity.

The lead up: B & I did some shopping on State St. I got a fabulous pair of brown linen pants (which I still have not worn) and a couple e of t-shirts from Avenue.

On the way back to our hotel, we stopped at McDonald's for a refreshing beverage and a thing of hot fries with 0 trans fat. We were kicking back for a bit, people watching, when a kid came in, probably 12 or so - with some flyers. He was asking for money for the local youth center's programs [read: drug money for his daddy]... and so B & I dug out all the change we had and gave it to the kid. I think it was like $4 worth.

Quasi-fast-forward 5 minutes. We're on the way out of McD's, and a homeless guy comes in. He stops to ask us to spare him some change [read: enough for his next fix], and I smile and say - we just gave our last bit of cash to that kid. I point to the kid as he's sitting in the McD's counting the change we gave him [read: waiting for us to leave so he can buy hisself some foods] and I laugh.

I laugh because it's funny that one bum missed out because someone else got to us first.

We proceed to leave the McD's, going through the first set of doors - leaving just one to freedom and I comment to B that as a comic I found that whole thing hilarious. I muse that I wonder if Bum Fights started because one bum was like 30 seconds later on asking for the money than the first bum.

Unbeknownst to me, homeless guy is behind us, also leaving McD's. He then shouts at me for laughing! And then he says -

"You could end up just like me and then you wouldn't be laughing."

And then - then he says:

"I hope your house burns down!"

Seriously, the bum cursed me. I was cursed by a bum.

A number of witty retorts came to mind... including:
"I have good insurance"
"I don't own a home"
And my hindsight favorite:
"If I were you, I'd use your powers to better your own situation."

But all that came out of my mouth at that times was “Oh fuck you, I was laughing about the situation not the fact that you are homeless."

So yes, we were cursed by a bum.

the big three-ohhhh

2007-03-27T15:52:00.000-05:00

In less than a month I will turn 30. Three-zero. "Flirty-Thirty". I think this is where I emotional breakdown , right? I mean this is the point in my life where I realize I'm not "young" anymore. I'm just as far from 40 as I am from 20.

Yikes.

Ok, so it's not the end of the world, turning 30, but it sure makes you look at your life in a different way - at least *ME* looking at *MY* life in a different way.

I used to think 30 was old. Now, I think - I'm pretty cool for 30. I'm pretty cool, in general, but for 30 - I'm cool.

But I'm going to be thurrrrr-teeeee. And, honestly, in general, I'm unhappy.

Shouldn't I have found the key to happiness by now? Shouldn't I know what I want out of life? But I'm just as confused now as I was at 18 or 21 or 26.... maybe even moreso now - almost 30.

I don't have kids - that's the biggest thing nagging me, really. My mom had me when she was 16, so you can imagine how my mind spins when I think about being a mother for the first time when I'm over 30. But I can't have kids... and I was pretty ok with it up until now. But now the reality just makes me really sad. Really very sad.

And what the hell is wrong with me that I can't find a job that I like? Actually, I think I had that job about 3 years ago, but I fucked it up. I just can't seem to find somewhere to fit in - career-wise. Maybe the missing pieces is not having my degree - but come on - 30+ years old and just getting my bachelors? It seems like a waste of time and money at this point. And if I can't hold a job or find somewhere to fit, what good's a degree? Frankly, career-wise, I am feeling pretty miserable. But the thought of changing jobs *AGAIN* is just not realistic. Maybe I really don't have anything to offer to an employer. Scary to think I could be jumping from job to job for the next 12+ years just like I have the last 12. And I feel helpless to fix it. I can't fix it if I don't know what's wrong. And frankly, I just don't think there's hope to fix it.

30 years old - shouldn't I finally be rewarded for working hard? Even if I hate what I'm doing and who I'm doing it with/for? Shouldn't I get SOMETHING positive out of it?

Of course, that leads to feeling financially retarded. At 30 shouldn't I have a nest-egg? I should be investing in my 401k, right? I don't even understand the paperwork (I blame that on being bad at math). How many more years will I live check-to-check? I opened a savings account - which now has a whopping $400 in it. My credit score is half of my monthly car payments... and I feel helpless to fix it. I'm tired of trying and watching everything I do credit-wise.

I should have figured out relationships by now, surely! At 30, I should have a big group of close friends - but really, I find that relationships just make me feel tired. Ok - tired and inadequate. I've been pretty extroverted and outgoing all my life - but over the past few months, I've started dreading being around people. Even those I love and care about. I just want to be alone more often than not.

And my goals - I've not achieved any of them. I can't even tell you what they were 10 years ago. I just know that I haven't accomplished much. I don't even have any good stories to tell.

I guess you could look at all of this and chalk it up to being depressed or something - but when it comes right down to it - I'm 30 with nothing to show for it. I'm 30 with no accomplishments, no recognition - and worse yet, no feelings that I'm anything other than a fat girl warming an office chair, living check-to-check, with very few healthy relationships.

And a whole gaggle of apathy.

Yeah.. 30. *sigh*

Fuck.

top 12 male idle americans

2007-02-21T10:46:00.000-06:00

(this is the product that, apparently, most of the guys used to get on the show this year)

I usually save my witty analysis for later rounds, but last night’s show, along with Sassy’s recaps have motivated me to share my thoughts.

So sit, back, take a big swig of something you can shoot out your nose, and read what I think, bitches!

A NOTE TO THE AI TECHNICAL STAFF: For five years I have watched, incessantly, the show – never missing an episode. As THE #1 show on TV, could you please hire some competent fucking sound engineers? I’m sick and tired of having to adjust my 12 point surround sound system so I can hear what is being sung, then having to readjust to what is being said. If you can’t get it right, fucking outsource to India or some shit already!

Now for the recaps:

Rudy Cardenas - A.K.A. “The Schnoz” - Free Ride
I’m glad the ride was free, because I would have wanted to get a refund – or to simply have been dumped out of the car at 60 miles an hour, while going over a large bridge. This morning I am trying very hard to find anything to say about him other than it was a good thing he was first, because I could easily forget Schnoz even performed – except for the fact that you could use his nose as a billboard. Also, can someone from Wheel of Fortune buy this fucker a consonant? I mean come on; the best even PAULA could say was that he started the season off with enthusiasm. I was very enthused by the idea of a commercial break – and that’s saying something, because I Tivo this shit!

Brandon Rogers - A.K.A “BTSU (Back That Shit Up)” - Rock With You
BTSU hits the stage and revels in mediocrity. But damn he has nice eyes – they draw me in, and, for a moment, I forget completely that this is a signing competition… but then I’m back to reality and am disappointed in Brandon’s lack of support – breath support or support for singing a song that shows off any of his talent. I really like BTSU, I think he could be one of the better contestants, but his performance was flatter than I was at 12 years old.

Sundance Head - A.K.A “Sundunce” or “Duncy” - Nights In White Satin
Ok, WTF is up with the screen behind Duncy on this one? It’s like a lake of cum… but I can’t, for the life of me, figure out where the current is coming from – much less the cum. The current can’t be coming from the song – the song was originally released in 1967 – long before any of these contestants were anywhere even near a glimmer in an eye. Three things, Duncy - #1 – please button up your shirt – there are children watching. #2 – Please stop using high school show choir arm movements – we all know you were too fat and dorky to be in show choir when you were in high school; and #3 – Don’t sing if you’re not going to SING IN TUNE!

Paul Kim - A.K.A. “BareAsian” - Careless Whisper
God, have you sent this man, this barefoot man, to redeem the Asian race’s musicality? Asians, it is too late for you - abandon all hope. BareAsian’s general breath support and performance are just… YYYAWWWWWNNN, sorry - lacking. I kinda want to like Paul, but more in a “Hey, can you help me with this math and logic problem?” way. Oh and, heh - Ryan made a comment about how he could recommend a pedicurist to BareAsian – at which point I was like – “DUH, Ryan! He’s Asian – his people do nails because they have failed at singing or being stand-up-comics.”

Chris Richardson “Boing” - I Don't Wanna Be
“Yo, *bounce* motha fucka’s *bounce* I’z comin to represent mah *bounce* white peeps!” *bounce* *bounce* *bounce* *bounce**bounce*. Boing. His mannerisms remind me so much of AI Season 3’s John Patrick Flannery O’Houllihan (Jon Peter Lewis) – who, I know you don’t remember – but thanks to americanidol.com – I got a remembrance of Lewis’ Mad-Magazine Cover Boy face. Oh, ok, back to Boing’s performance – I could barely hear what this turdburglar was singing because of the incessant bouncing up and down. I think that, at one point, Boing was flashing white gang symbols with his hands – but I couldn’t tell, because the AI medical staff had already started treating him for what they thought were seizures.

Nick Pedro A.K.A “Raul” - Now And Forever
“Oh, Raul, please save me from this life of dirt and misery! I want to leave Meh-hee-koh with you and tour the world. Your singing has healed my leprosy. We shall make veintiséis babies and our love will light the way.” Will someone cast this guy in a Mexican soap opera already? Out of all the guys this season – Raul is the weakest link. Goodbye.

Blake Lewis A.K.A. “Pbbt-Pssh-Chiggity” - Somewhere Only We Know
God I want to hate this guy. I want to punch him in the throat every time he breaks into beat-box. I want to hate him – but damn if Pbbt-Pssh-Chiggity wasn’t great last night. He had a “Sting” thing going on – and didn’t beat-box, at all. His voice even reminded me a bit of old-school singers like Sinatra or Danny Kaye. Good control and overall performance. And two-thumbs up for singing a CURRENT song and wearing a sweater vest. Pbbt-Pssh-Chiggity may just be the man-to-beat this year.

Sanjaya Malakar A.K.A. “Bollywon’t” - Knocks Me Off My Feet
I missed most of Sanjaya’s performance while I listened to the painful cries of thousands of children hearing singing for the first time – and hearing it from Bollywon’t. Holy crap. If Stevie Wonder weren’t already blind – OH SHIT – can someone call Stevie and make sure he can still hear? Sadly, Sanjaya, your life may be meant for something less “vocal” like fixing my damn computer.

Chris Sligh A.K.A “PSFawg (Pretty Sligh for a White Guy)”
I don’t even remember what PSFawg sang, but I love love love this guy’s attitude, his tie and untucked shirt and his huge Whiteman ‘fro. While not the best singer in the show, he’s certainly the most entertaining. PSFawg Kinda like Season 4’s Mikalah Gordon – without the moving mole, the annoying voice and completely over-the-top attitude. Ok, so not at all like Gordon. Chirs will make it to the top 12 if for no other reason than the show needs some judge vs. contestant snarkiness. Last season was missing that, completely – it was like “The Stepford Singers”. Fuck that; bring on PSFawg – in the style of ilDivo or Teletubbies, even!

Jared Cotter A.K.A “Gay”
I forgot what Gay sang, but he has to be the biggest-eye browed contestant, ever. And oh-so-gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that). I like how they butched him up for last night’s show, though. I was almost distracted by it enough to not notice that there’s a reason none of us have seen him perform yet this season… HE SUCKS. Talk about someone who is boring and unmarketable. Put Gay, Raul and Bollywon’t in a mime troupe and you’ll have an instant Benetton commercial – and the world will be a much more aurally wonderful place.

AJ Tabaldo A.K.A. “Blue Collar” - Never Too Much
Ok, first, you are no longer in High School (at least at the age of 22 you shouldn’t be)… so put your damn collar down. By wearing your collar up you are standing for everything I hate in life. On top of that, every note you sang out of tune rolled around your squatty neck and right back toward the microphone – causing my ears to bleed. Yes, that’s right Blue Collar, you have earned my disfavor. So put your collar down next week, mmmkay – if there IS a next week for you!

Phil Stacy A.K.A. “Baby Daddah” - I Could Not Ask For More
Remember 6^th grade gym class? There was one slightly retarded kid who’d start the 50 yard dash just before the teacher would yell “Go!” and everyone would have to start over? Yeah, now you know what happened to him – he made it onto American Idol. But it’s interesting to note that once that retard got off the line, he was the best runner in the class! Baby Daddah was, by far, the best singer of the night. Now, if someone would just give him some concealer for his jacked-up-eyeholes.

they like me, they really like me...

2007-02-15T11:08:00.000-06:00

Last night's open mic went on as planned, even though it was one day after "BLEEEEZZZAAARDDDD '07". BreakTime remains the toughest room I've ever been in, but 4 comics showed up, ponied up their $5 and I took them all down!

Yes, I won. I am a winner.

BWAHHAHAHAHHA. I promptly spent my $20 on yarn. I've started to knit. 2 months from my 30th, I'm knitting.

It's too late for me - save yourself.

blogger's block

2007-02-12T19:26:00.000-06:00

Ok, so most of you aren't anything like me (you are just posting maniacs) - but I've had blogger's block. It's not for a lack of things to write about... it's more for, well - I don't know - apathy?

I wonder if anyone even reads this anymore...

For those of you who do, here's some tidbits for you:

I'm starting an open mic in Springfield with the help of some of my comic friends here. We're aiming for a start early in April - originally planned for March, we didn't want to have to compete with March Madness.

As hard as Christmas was - being the first Christmas since Marla's untimely passing just after New Year 06, it was pretty good. I spent time with S&B, who made me feel just like family. I made new memories - not that overwrote the old ones, but that can fit in my memory right beside them.

[gets on soapbox] I still hate the IRS. Another year where I did pretty well for myself, and another year where I am penalized for it. If you're at all aggrivated ever year by the tax system and how it punishes hard working people who are trying to get ahead - please get behind the Fair Tax movement. [off of soapbox]

Obamacon 2007 came and went from Springfield. Obamacon - where thousands of Oval-Office-hungry folks flocked to Springfield to see Barak Obama announce his candidacy. Some of them were dressed as nice looking African American men who spoke well... ok, that was a joke - I'm not racist, geez! I tried very hard to understand why this was so significant - and I can't. There's no historical significance to B-O's announcement whatsoever. Other African-Americans have run for president before... it's not like it's never happened. And just because "He's actually got a shot" doesn't make it any more significant than me announcing that I want to go by the name of "Shoobacca" (which, I don't). Meh, by 2pm, Springfield was just about back to its regular self - what with all the homeless huddling at the library and whatnot. The only remnant was the annoying nature of the satellite trucks on 6th street.

I got some good news from the doc today. My A1C is down to 7.4 - which is pretty good, for me - being that my diabetes has been out of control since I was diagnosed in 1999. I'm also excited because my new doc seems to be pretty proactive on things - and didn't make me feel like a total cow and explained that no matter what the diet, it's nearly impossible to lose weight on insulin. My next appt is March 5th, where I'll take up the topic of Gastric Bypass with him.

No update yet on the car situation. I'm expecting to talk to the dealer again tomorrow to see if I can get the Camry I'm looking at down about $1k more. It's low mileage and in good shape, but it's the 01 old body style, thus reducing the loan value. On top of that, a recent development has led me to have no down payment - so I'm hoping I can get financed without losing my left ovary (which would be fine, being that I'm barren).

Heading home, friends - talk to you again soon - when I'm outta this funk.

this week has been a hell of a year...

2007-01-26T14:01:00.000-06:00

It's been a week...

Tuesday I got in a very minor wreck. I rear-ended someone after she stopped quickly to avoid hitting someone in front of her (within inches), and I hit her Dodge Durango with my Dodge Stratus (oh, and not so ironically, neither of them "dodge" well, at all) - the front end of my car going up under her truck - a truck with a big heavy duty tow kit. I was going less than 10mph and my airbag didn't deploy.

Her truck was fine at the scene, but now she's claiming damage ($600). On top of that, she said she was fine, but now there have been doctor visits and chiropractor visits.... whiplash.

Whatever. Liar.

On top of everything, a stupid mistake/miscommunication on my part has led to me not having coverage on the Stratus at the time of the accident. It wouldn't have mattered to my car, as I only had liability on it. But now I'm worried about what will happen with her "lies" - I mean "claims" to her insurance company.

I only got a $75 ticket for the wreck, though.

Anyhow, the outcome on my end - my car is totalled - $5800.00 in repairs.

I'm immobile.

remember...

2007-01-10T16:57:00.000-06:00

A year ago, today, my best friend, Marla passed away. Her last words were fitting - "Love you!" I remember kissing her cheek and watching her fall asleep. 8 hours later she was gone.

I miss her more than I thought I would. I miss things about her that used to drive me crazy - like how she would talk and talk and talk while watching TV...

Now I wish she were on my couch talking while I watch TV.

I miss you, Marla.

goodbye 2006… and good riddance!

2006-12-31T20:44:00.000-06:00

2006 was a life-changing year for me… here’s my year-end-review.

January started out rough, to say the least! Tension with a co-worker led to my changing from one Omnicom agency to another… leaving work and people I love behind. Three days after, I found myself mourning the loss of my best friend in Texas, who passed away from liver failure due to unmanaged Crohn’s disease, and landing a new, much higher-paying job – all on the same day.

Most of February and March were bogged down with drama and stress from Marla’s death – dealing with her material possessions, her family (who all lived far enough away that they left me to deal with many details), her “church”. Marla was the first person I’d ever lost, close to me… I went through some depression, was sick (a lot) – but was busy at my new job and made it through.

April marked tax refund time – and again, my refund was eaten up by the IRS and some honest mistakes with past returns. Celebrated 7 years of marriage and I turned 29 without any big to-dos – just a small, friends-only party at the house.

May and June… what a summer!. It was mostly taken up with work. The new job, while good money was very draining and completely unrewarding professionally. Personally, I felt pretty abused every day I was there. Somewhere in there my best friend from college, Shana, got a great new career opportunity as a Special Education teacher… nervous and scared, she’s turned out to be a natural at it – and is, even now, raking in accolades.

June 19^th was my first time on stage doing stand-up comedy. I believed, for the first time, I was doing what I was MEANT to do. The feeling of finding something I was good at was a feeling I’ll never forget.

June 30^th was the first of a couple of trips to Springfield, Illinois. I got the wonderful chance to meet Dr. & Mrs. Zoom – two of my very best friends, EVER. I fell in love with them, with Springfield… and I started pondering moving, needing a change from Dallas.

In August, my best friend from High School and maid of honor, Renee got married to the love her life – Reddy. I found out via email – they eloped in Hawaii. I spent most of August praying for a job opportunity and hoping I’d get to visit Springfield again, very soon.

September 15^th marked a change for the *much* better! I interviewed with a fantastic company in Springfield and had a job offer the next week. Plans then began to relocate… STRESS CITY! I had a great send-off party with some awesome karaoke… My second stand-up comedy showcase was also in September. I had another great performance, with great comics sharing the stage, and a great audience.

October was the end of the job that made me, well, miserable. The opportunity in Springfield was too good to pass up, so I packed up and moved – just like that! I got right into my new job, and doing comedy in Springfield. My first open mic in Springfield I took 2^nd place (out of 10 comics). Shortly thereafter marked my first paid gig as a stand up comic. I also got the pleasure of opening for Mike Lukas as the Bloomington Funny Bone.

November was marked with a fantastic Thanksgiving – definitely with things to be thankful for. Most of it was a blur, but I did another opening set for Todd Yohn at Mason City Limits. Got a big house outside of Springfield – quite a “project” but it’s a house.

December welcomed me to winter and Illinois with an ice storm! I love the cold, but hated the ice. First *snowday*, too, though I had to use some of my paid time off time to cover it. Put lots of time into the house, spent $1000 at IKEA and learned how to lay self-stick vinyl tile all in the same weekend. Also achieved a goal for 2006 – acquiring an XBOX 360.

I didn't lose the weight in 2006 - or any weight. I didn't get a better handle on my health. I didn't change the world or make it a better place. I lost dear friends. I lost my great-grandmother. I even lost about 3 hours of my life when I had a low-blood-sugar/panic attack/overtired episode. I burned some bridges.

I did make some great life-long friends in 2006. I accomplished a lot professionally. I think I matured a lot, emotionally. I mended some fences. I gained back a few friends that were kind enough to take me back. I made some good personal decisions and stuck to my guns for the right reasons.

Here’s to 2007 – may it be better, brighter, and blissfully supreme to 2006.

it's been 6 months since you laughed at me...

2006-12-14T16:25:00.000-06:00

Stupid open mic. Stupid contest. Stupid picking #1. Stupid 3rd place! *pout* Yeah? Fuck you! I will whine and pout if I want to.

December 19^th marks my six-month anniversary of doing stand-up comedy.

I guess I thought it’d come easier. I thought I could just get up, be funny – but man, there is TONS of work to be done. I think the hardest thing is the writing. I just want to write down things that are funny – but, believe it or not, it’s best to write down un-funny things and work your way to why things are funny.

The act of writing seems counterintuitive – because I don’t write that close to how I talk – though, maybe I’m closer than I think. Friends often tell me when they read my blog they hear my voice saying it – so maybe it’s closer than I think.

So, looking back at the past 6 months – here are some thoughts about how far I have come and what I regret:

I’m glad I took Dean Lewis’ workshop. I’d have NEVER tried stand up if not for paying and forcing myself.

I’m so thankful for the friends I’ve made. Kim remains really dear to me and is tearing it up in Dallas. It was cool having a bunch of folks at my house every Saturday AM to work on material. While I hate mornings, I used to look forward to getting up and prepping for the onslaught of hilarity. And now, I’m slowly trying to build a group here in Springfield. Michael Brown and I are pretty tight, and it’s nice to have a comic friend who is honest and talks me out of doing crazy things, like that overly-racist Chinese food bit I contemplated trying out.

I regret not taking better advantage of Dallas when I was there. Dallas offered an opportunity to get up and on stage AT LEAST once a week. I was often too, well, lazy to go more than one night. It was just plain lazy not to take every advantage to be on stage I was offered. Now, I go up once a month.

I miss Backdoor Comedy in Dallas. I think the thing I miss the most is that Linda and the other comics didn’t put up with HACK – at all. You didn’t get away with it – plain and simple. Here, if you hack half of your open mic set, you get rewarded and declared the winner.

I have sworn off using notes! Thanks to Todd Yohn, I vowed never to use notes on stage again – and I haven’t since then.

I still need to write more. I tried some new stuff out, and have let myself ad-lib a bit more during my past few sets – and the payoff has been great. I may not have funny, funny, funny throughout the set yet, but I’m getting closer – and I’m proud of doing my own material. I’m proud of not going for the easy laugh – because hack or dropping the f-bomb is really enticing when you’re up in front of 25 uninterested people. But I’ve stuck fairly true to being real.

I’m proud that I have had a chance to open for 2 headliners. Both experiences were very positive. Todd and Mike Lukas were both very complimentary and encouraging to me.

I’m glad I haven’t given up, yet. I’m not saying I will – but it’s just frustrating to feel like you’re working hard, and not being rewarded or noticed. Coming in 3^rd out of 7 comics (and 2 of them were brand new), isn’t too good for the ego. It’s a bit of a boys club here, though.

What it comes down to is that I want to be famous NOW!

*pouts*

extra, extra, read all about it!

2006-11-28T10:06:00.000-06:00

The San Jose Mercury News released an article about Google Checkout - and this little 'ol blog is featured. (need to login - user: 1reader@hotmail.com and password: reader)

Elise Ackerman called me yesterday to talk to me about my recent bad experience with Google Checkout and eCost (just a note that I LOVE eCost, and I don't hold them accountable for what happened, at all).

My only beef, my last name was spelled wrong. But hey, my blog was still promoted. Maybe I should start writing here more often? Oh, and independant confirmation I'm a comedian! WOOT!

welcome to Springfield! well, that is, unless you want to do community theatre...

2006-11-09T09:21:00.000-06:00

I can't say enough about how much I love the city of Springfield, Illinois. I love downtown, love the people, love the friends I've made – I even, dare I say it, LOVE MY JOB! Springfield has been very good to me.

Ok, most of Springfield has been very good to me.

You know that saying – "One bad apple can spoil the entire bunch"? Oh, come on - it's not so bad that I'm angry at all of Springfield (I'd still totally get jiggy with most of Springfield, if it were an attractive human type) – no, no, not that bad (and yes, I'm a drama queen)… but bad enough.

Today, I learned about a "bad apple" that has spoiled community theatre in Springfield for me.

In my previous blog entry, I talked about my recent audition for the Springfield Theatre Centre production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat – and how I was frustrated with how things went… well, now, 4 days after auditions – the cast information is becoming public (and the official cast list has not been released as of yet).

And, of course, it wouldn't be community theatre if it weren't for rumors and gossip. Everything from the only female lead (the Narrator) going to a guy – to private invitations to audition (which really isn't a bad practice, if the playing field after the invite is level). But as much as I am a glutton for dirt, muck and all things related to the whys and hows of people getting cast (or not cast) – I wanted to try to keep my head level – after all, this was my first audition in Springfield, Illinois, and my first audition for the Springfield Theatre Centre.

So, let's cut to the chase, here - I didn't get a call - nothing. Neither did 2 of my dear friends. Two very talented friends, at that. I didn't get cast after giving up 5 hours of my Sunday. I didn't get cast after a great audition, and a good callback. Not even chorus – a chorus of 20 women – not even chorus.

Nothing. Zip. Nada.

Finding out today that calls were made last night – I immediately felt hurt. Disappointed in myself that I got my hopes up for ANYTHING. Believing that I'd ever be anything than the fat girl who can sing… but that disappointment in myself soon became utter and total disgust for Springfield Theatre Centre and director Bill Bauser.

Of course, I will caveat this with all of what I'm about to say being based on what I've "heard" – I don't know firsthand – and, honestly, I don't know anything about Mr. Bauser, personally – having only met him twice, and briefly both times. But I know me – I know my potential…

I know what I saw – 50 or so adults try out – 15+ females called back, and not one of them being given the one role they all hoped for – The Narrator.

I know that some of you will say that it's the director's decision who to cast – and by any means the director sees fit – but – I watched each and every one of those ladies take the stage, giving up their Sunday – and singing their hearts out for that one part. As someone who has musical directed before, there were at least 5 women at auditions on Sunday who could have done very well with the role. Not only well, but great. I'm not even counting myself as part of that group.

But were any of the women who diligently prepared, showed up (some of them on Saturday, only to find that the auditions were moved to Sunday), waited, performed, and got their hopes up cast as the lead?

No. Not one.

What transpired since Sunday's "official" auditions has only been relayed to me through the grapevine of local Springfield thespians - and that from Bill Bauser, himself – that Mr. Bauser allowed a number of people to audition for him after the official auditions and callbacks were completed.

The most shocking part of the story seems to be that Mr. Bauser not only called someone outside of Springfield proper to audition for the show and the female lead, but gave this young woman a private audition after all the other auditions were complete.

Maybe this woman was the best for the role – that's not what I'm arguing here. What I am arguing is that there were completely capable women who showed up at the auditions and did a great job – only to be snubbed for someone Mr. Bauser hand-picked.

Its fine you didn't pick me – I'll deal with that myself – but to so underhandedly cast the show? That's just not right. The issue here, really, isn't whether or not I got cast – but whether or not the playing field was level up front. It wasn't – plain and simple.

I'd not be upset, at all, if Mr. Bauser had said, from the get go, that he had the lead already cast. Tell that to everyone, up front - let them know that the part is not available. I've auditioned for shows like that before, knowing full well a lead, or many leads, were not available. And just like in this case, I was fine with not getting the lead - I am completely not fine with not casting people who ACTUALLY SHOWED UP!

Why, Mr. Bauser, would you not respect the time and talents of those who actually showed up at auditions – even after you cancelled the initial date, last minute, causing them to rearrange their schedules? They had enough respect for you and your time to show up on Sunday – in force, and yet you have completely, well, given the finger to them for doing so.

Why, Mr. Bauser, would you not cast one of the 15+ women you called back from a pool of 30+ women? Maybe your concept of "callbacks" is different from every other theatre I've ever worked with – but usually it's to narrow down the field or to check chemistry. What was a well-organized audition process quickly became nothing but a charade before you privately cast the lead.

Why, Mr. Bauser, would you tarnish not only your own reputation but that of Springfield Theatre Centre and that of Springfield community theatre in general, by doing something so completely lacking in integrity? It would have shown a heck of a lot more integrity to have moved the auditions to ALL be on Tuesday if that was the only day that you thought the girl you cast was available. Put everyone on a fair playing field – all on stage at the same time – and have a bit of accountability while you're at it. Maybe it's your own insecurity in your decision that led you to do something so completely unprofessional. Community theatre or not, you're a leader, people tend to expect more from leaders.

And where was Springfield Theatre Centre's leadership in all this? That's an even bigger question, to me.

Is this the impression that STC wants to make on new people to not only Springfield, but also to community theatre?

Is this how STC treats their volunteers? Because, like it or not, giving up 6 hours of a Sunday is volunteering to be a part of STC.

Is this the way that STC lets their "staff" work? Where are the checks and balances? Every community theatre group I've been a part of in the past has had rules and standards of what is and is not acceptible. This hardly seems acceptible in light of the fact that there was more than one woman at the auditions who could have done the part, and well.

I guess I've rambled on and on to say this – I enjoyed meeting so many great people at the auditions – and many talented, wonderful women – strong women who could have easily stood on that stage, being completely deserving of the applause that comes from that opening night… Instead, the person who was cast was done so in a manner that may be hurtful to her own reputation, not to mention that of the show, in general.

Maybe what you did, Mr. Bauser, wasn't wrong - but how you did it WAS. It was completely unfair, disrespectful and lacking in integrity - and, sadly, has completely soured my thoughts on Springfield community theatre.

And while life's not fair – much like John Lennon – "I expect more!"

I guess, Mr. Bauser, I expected too much from you.

P.S. I am fully aware that this blog entry may result in never doing theatre in Springfield, ever - and, while that'd be sad, because I feel I have a lot to offer - if that's the decision made by directors or staff, I'd respect that decision. If I have to make enemies -I'd rather have that come from being honest and up front about my feelings and thoughts. This way, at least people know EXACTLY what I think and what I said - it's out here, in black and white, for anyone to see - on a level playing field.

i hate the world today

2006-11-06T09:32:00.000-06:00

Ugh! Have you ever woken up and just had this feeling that your day was going to suck? Yeah, that is me, today.

Maybe it’s because it’s overcast and chilly… maybe it’s because I am disappointed about getting my hopes up yesterday... maybe it’s because I’m tired… maybe it’s because I’m realizing that I’m, well, nothing. Though, it could be a completely different reason.

I miss Texas today. I miss my friends there. I miss the familiarity. I miss my dog, my house, my stuff, my husband. I miss the opportunities a BIG city can give.

Yesterday I decided, against my own best judgment, to audition for Joseph…Dreamcoat here in Springfield. I don’t want to go into tons of details – but for about 6 years of my life (about 10 years ago, now), musical theatre was my life. I was good at it – even being paid. After I got married/moved to Texas, I kind of stopped doing shows. Hubby and I tried out for a few things – and in my 8 years in Texas, I did 2 shows – in both I was a chorus member. My last audition in Texas, for Seussical with a theatre group in Denton, and had a traumatic experience (short version: I got a callback and then completely forgotten about at callbacks).

I decided to audition to get to spend more time with my friends, to meet new people, and to possibly rekindle the passion I once had for theatre. I was totally ok with being in the chorus – after all Joseph doesn’t have many women roles (1 lead, many chorus)… and I wasn’t, at that point, being unrealistic in thinking I had a good shot at getting in.

First off, I have to say that the auditions were very organized. From registering to how they handled the dance/voice auditions – I was impressed. Things went fairly quickly. Simple enough: if your number was on the callback list, you needed to be back at 4p. I got a callback!

For those of you who know me outside of this blog, you know that I have some pretty serious self-esteem issues – but I have to say – that I totally held my own in the vocal auditions. I would even venture to say that I was tied with the girl I’d say was first – if you were to score it that way.

I got tons of compliments – and I started to think – “WOW! I really could get the lead!” So, callbacks – 4pm. We sat through all 25 kids who danced in groups of 5 and then sang, individually. Then the 15 called back ladies were asked to sing the first verse of “Jacob and Sons”. The guys were to sing the first part of “Close Every Door”. So the ladies lined up, and one by one, we all took center stage and sang the same 14 measures… some of them belting that “E” as if it were the only note that has ever mattered in their lives, some barely hitting it, and some of us doing well.

Out of the 15 or so called back women, about 6 of us did well. Again, my ego steps in to say that I think, vocally, I was the best.

Then they kept 5 ladies – a varied group - from a young girl (who had an amazing voice), to one of the local stars-in-residence. They looked at those 5, and then had them stay for another dance audition.

I suck at dancing, so if that was the deciding factor *sigh* no wonder I wasn’t good enough. I’m never good enough.

And comedy – don’t get me started. Another open mic this week – which will probably be the only show I have for a while.

It just sucks that I’ll never be anything other than the fat girl who can sing well. Or the wannabe comic who is only seen as marginally good because she’s a girl.

I just want to be really good at something. And I want people to see it – to notice it. I am tired of being unnoticed. I’m tired of being seen only for my size.

I should just give up. Realize that the stage isn’t for me – I’m destined to warm a chair behind my desk – doing things behind-the-scenes for stars and bands and big deals – all the while being sad because I’ll never amount to anything of any type of measure.

So, I’m sitting here, at my desk – drinking my venti double-pump white chocolate mocha with one pump of peppermint and daydreaming out my window – wondering if I’ll ever be someone or something.

Comedy & Illinois Update

2006-10-12T13:43:00.000-05:00

I just posted a big deal to me blog on my theamelia.com site about my first show in Springfield and the after effects.

Check it out!

Google Checkout Catastrophy or: Buyer Beware!

2006-10-05T17:10:00.000-05:00

So I had a horrible day - and it was all because of Google Checkout.

Please share this with EVERYONE you know - I don't want what happened to me to happen to them!

========================
Dear eCost

I know this isn't eCost's fault - but I thought you guys should know about my experience shopping with you today (Order #xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx), and, subsequently, choosing to checkout with Google Checkout.

I have shopped with eCost before and have had a great experience, previously. The products have been fairly priced, if not WONDERFULLY priced, and the shipping and delivery has been great. Today, I thought of eCost as I was ready to order a new LCD monitor. I found the FujiPlus (eCost part 3481400) on your bargain countdown and, immediately, purchased it.

As an incentive, the checkout offered the ability to get $10 if you used Google Checkout. I've been very fond of Google products, until today, so I thought - "Why not!" and I placed the order. I went about my morning and found an email later saying my credit card information was declined and that I needed to re-enter it.

Figuring I had made a typo, I promply updated the information only to find my card was, again marked invalid by Google and my purchase not finalized.

I then looked at my Wells Fargo online statement and found not one, not two, but a total of 5 charges equalling the amount for my eCost order. All of them marked pending, and all of them, obvioulsy, approved by my bank.

That's nearly $1000! Now, because I used my debit card - my card and my checking account were frozen. The timing could not have been worse, as I had dozens of errands to run today, before I pull out of Texas tomorrow to relocate to Illinois to start my new job on Monday. Adding to the issue was that my rent check is to clear tonight - with no problem - until Google Checkout processed charges over and over again on my account.

I phoned my bank and they were unable to release the pending charges that Google had said were never authorized. Wells Fargo verified that they were, in fact, authorized and that the problem was with Google Checkout.

Then began the nightmare that I am still going through. There I was, in my car, driving around Dallas with tons of errands to do, trying to figure out how to get a hold of someone at Google to call my bank to release the pending charges. I found a main contact number at Google and it turns out Google does not have anyone you can talk to in real life - only via email. At 12:30 I sent an email via Google's help system - and when I got a receptionist on the phone at Google, I was told that I had to have a first and last name to be connected to anyone.

So, I'm stranded, in Dallas, my moving funds completely tied up - unable to use my bank account and panicking about losing my new job, as I will be unable to relocate as planned without my money being returned.

After getting back home, I phoned eCost and spoke with one of the kindest, most wonderful customer service poeple I've ever talked to. I let her know the issue and all but begged her to get me on the line with someone who could help me find a contact at Google - surely eCost has a person who has a name of someone at Google. I'm sure the customer service person was following protocol - and by the end of the call, she had let me know that Jill at the Corporate Office was going to call Google to get things worked out. That was at about 2:45CST today.

According to my bank records, none of the funds have been removed from
pending on my account - there are still 5 charges showing up as approved by my bank.

I have not been able to reach anyone at Google. I have sent 3 emails
and 2 messages through Google's "help" center.

After spending nearly 4 hours on my cell phone and getting none of my errands done today (tires fixed, oil change in my car, etc) - the $10 coupon that I was offered to use Google Checkout has cost me nearly $100... not to mention the time and stress of trying to get this remedied.

As of this email my monies have not been returned - nor has anyone from Google called me or returned my contact email or messages. If Google is going to be acting as a merchant processor, there needs to be a way to reach them in the event of such an "emergency". And I do not use the word emergency lightly here, as it has, in fact, ruined not only my day, but potentially jeopardized my relocation and my new job.

I would strongly suggest to eCost to re-evaluate its relationship with Google Checkout. I would hate for this to happen to another customer.

Thank you -
Amelia

cc: Google Checkout

that makes me a sad panda...

2006-09-29T13:15:00.000-05:00

Today's the first day that I've been really sad about leaving Texas. Actually, with all the moves I've had, this is the first move where I've ever been really sad.

I'm leaving a lot behind (even if some of it is just temporary):

My dog, stuff, house, husband
My friends - You have no idea how hard it is to know I'm going to be so far away. And I know we're just a phone call or email or IM away - but it's never the same when 1200 miles is between us.

Shana - my longest "best friend" in my adult life. We've been through SO much. I'm glad your path led you to Texas, even if you *do* hate it here. You and Ph'lip have a great thing that's worth working on. Keep that good mix of conservative and realistic. I love you so much!
Betsie - I guess I should tell you now that you've quickly moved up to "best friend" status. You and John are remarkable people. I am going to miss meeting you guys for dinner, movies - but most of all, will miss giving you a big hug and seeing you in general. <3
Kim - the thought of another girl in comedy workshop irritated me for a while... but I'm SO glad we got to know one another. You are so strong, smart, witty, and YES, FUNNY. Don't give up on what you want. You have tons of time and energy to get whatever it is you are aiming for. Knock em dead on the 14th - I wouldn't expect anything less. And, for your birthday - I'm going to get you a domain name, hosting and build you a website - whenever you're ready - just email me. Loves ya.
Laurie - My most favorite (non-) hippie ever. You get to take care of Allan's powerstrip. I really appreciate you being an ear, a shoulder and a lot of fun. You're a GREAT mom, and I hope one day to be half as great of a mom and wife as you've shown yourself to be.
David - It's not often you meet someone older, wiser that you would hang out with. From the minute we met and talked, I was really taken by your wit and intelligence. I hope we can still IM from time to time. And thank you so much for introducing me to Clifford and Reggie. You're a fabulous friend - and I count you one of the dearest.
Micah - The thought that we won't be able to steal a lunch every week or so really bums me out. Thanks for always being a sounding board and for just listening and not trying to be a "man" and fix everything every time I'd talk to you about something. You have a level head, are slow to anger, and are, quite possibly, the best damn HTML developer (other than me) that I've ever met. You are such a great father - and Val is so lucky to have a man like you. I'll miss our inside jokes and making fun of "you-know-who(re)". Best guy-friend, ever.
Alan - We've been through so much... C.I Hoax, TDDB... Thanks for being the voice of reason when I didn't want to hear it. Thanks for being a go-to when I needed technical expertise. And thanks for bailing my ass out more times than I can count. I love you.
There are tons more folks I should list here, but I am all teary and having trouble typing.

My comedy - Just getting started, and I felt kind of like I was accomplishing something. I don't really know what - but something. Now, I'm going to have to start over. Proving myself all over again. Paying my dues starting from scratch. And maybe I won't be good in Springfield.
My comedy buddies - Doug, Kim, AJ, Tom, Jack, Ryan, Matt, Shaun and Jack. You guys have really made me think, laugh, laugh-cry and even pissed me off (who wants to follow that bit about the ant diet, Tom? NO ONE!).
Jack - Thanks for being so supportive of new comics. It takes a bitter, jaded, angry, but loving old man to still put so much time and energy into helping us baby comics grow up. You are a gem. I'll be emailing you often to ask you about how to start up a room.
Backdoor Comedy in Dallas - Linda and the folks @ Backdoor have been really great to me. If you can, please support them - http://www.backdoorcomedy.com
My boss - Despite a SHITTY day yesterday, Reggie has been the best boss I've ever had. He's given me more than enough rope to hang myself with too many times - but he's always been there to cut it right before I choke to death. I lashed out yesterday a bit, maybe just because I was upset about leaving.
My new truck - Leaving it with Mike. I'm kinda scared to drive it, but yeah. My truck.
My dog - Did I mention I love my dog?
familiarity - There's something nice about knowing where everything is and how to get there. Re-learning is sometimes frustrating.
My co-workers - Sure, my office has a serious set of issues, but I really work with great people.

Harley, I'll never have as great of a work husband as you (unless I meet a Gay Jewish guy with a sense of humor, then you'll be replaced).
Lisa, I respect the crap out of you. You put up with so much and always keep cool. I hope you know how valuable you are.
Matthew, hang in there. Your talent won't be overlooked. And no, you can't get me high before I leave.
Ellen, you are smart, funny, talented and dedicated. Don't let that be taken advantage of.
Karen, for a pretentious bitch, you sure are a great friend. I am glad that a bad account experience yielded such a great friend.
Sarah, you sure do work hard, even if you're a rental. Keep being the shining light you are. No matter how much I bitch and make fun of some FC folks, you are truly the real deal. I'm glad we met.
Linda, I know we didn't get much time to get to know each other - but I admire your smarts and your sense of humor. Give em hell and keep them laughing at the Monday meetings.
Billy, I'm so glad I got the chance to meet you. You are one of the most genuine people I've ever met - and you have really been here for me in good times and bad. Do what's best for you and don't let your talents go to waste. I'm glad to call you "friend".
Robbie, you know your shit! One of the only guys (you and Micah) who does front-end as well as I do. Keep "working that magic."
Rene, I'll miss you saying good morning every day. And hearing you sip your coffee - and your perfect makeup. Keep them lips red!
Troy, I don't know what to say except it was fun working with you. And every time I think of you I always think - "It's always the quiet ones."

None of this sadness is to diminish the excitement of the move -

A new town - new places to explore.
A 10 minute drive to work. Yeah. Uh huh.
New people - I've already made some great friends - and I am going to get the joy of spending every day with two of my bestest friends ever.
New job - A company that respects me already - offering me opportunities that haven't come up for me in my past jobs. I just got an email about a meeting to get a certification - and it's on my 2nd workday.
Seasons - yeah - I like cold and winter. I just hope it's ok to have my window open a teensy bit at night...
A chance to re-invent myself. I don't know - maybe just a chance to let go of some things that are haunting me here.
New comedy experiences - a new set of "buddies" (I hope), new clubs and maybe the chance to be a big fish in a small(er) pond?

So, with that, I'm going to pretend to work. 3.5 more days of work left.

murder, murder in the night air

2006-09-29T09:37:00.000-05:00

Last night, another epic dream.

I was back in Wisconsin... at my grandma/grandpa's house. I just remember the house... the yard... it was definitely there.

For whatever reason, I'd apparently killed someone and tried to hide the body. And while I was hiding the body, I ran across another body near where I was hiding mine. AND I RECOGNIZED the person.

The guy's name was Troy. I remember thinking he was engaged to my friend, Sara, but that he was killed and never found before they got married. Sara never found out what happened to him.. it'd been 2 years since he disappeared and Sara had met a new guy (named Troy as well) and married him earlier this year.

When I got home, I was visibly shaken (what with murder, and hiding the body, the discovery of Troy's body and whatnot), and so my uncle, Tim, called a lawyer.

The lawyer came to the house, and I had explained what I had done. I was clear to say that YES, I did kill whoever it was I killed (don't remember who it was)... but that I did not kill Troy ... and I juts happened to find his body while hiding the other body. I did not kill Troy.

Lawyer said I..d get pinned for both murders and began working on my defense.

The lawyer started going through my medicine cabinet looking for what medications I was on. He ran across something and started talking about a defense of being temporarily insane. I argued I wasn't insane... that I meant to murder, but my main concern was not getting pinned for Troy's murder. I didn't kill Troy.

And then the lawyer said I..d have to call Sara and tell her that I was the one who killed her fiancée. Being that I didn't kill her fiancée, and that Sara was my friend, I got distraught and locked myself in the garage.

The lawyer and my uncle and grandparents tried to get in... and I woke up just as I decided that a good way to off myself was with the hedge trimmers.

Yeah. Uh huh. Fucked.

What do you think? Come on... give it to me.

what dreams may come...

2006-09-27T09:41:00.000-05:00

Ok, last night, I had some seriously fucked up dreams. So, for my dream interpretation friends (or acquaintances), go ahead, gimme your input.

I don't usually dream so vividly - but last night was a definite exception.

First Dream:

I started out in a group - a big group, then we all went on our separate ways. Everywhere I went, I would encounter someone who wanted to fight me... it was like an epic kung fu film, but I was totally using my hands, and they were as well. Ok, so it was more of a kung fu meets fight club.

So, this went on for some time. I was winning each battle - but, of course, every battle got progressively harder - much like how every level in Mario Kart got harder and harder.

Here's the part that disturbed me - the last person I fought was a child. Probably 11 or so years old. And the kid nearly beat the shit out of me. But, I came out, victorious.

Eventually, I realized that I was trying to get through all the battles to get back to the group - as a winner. And I did.

I woke after this dream and felt physically sore and tired. I also felt as though I'd been talking. Though I don't remember any dialogue in the dream.

Ok, now dream two... after I woke up from dream one - I fell back asleep and had another vivid dream.

I was in a large building with many rooms. I want to say it was a stadium. And there were tons of people camped out everywhere. I was in charge, or some other such, as I remember trying to find places for everyone to sleep - and places to get wheelchairs in, etc.

There were so many people - I was trying to get everyone into a spot to sleep, and there just seemed to be a never-ending stream of people who needed somewhere to stay. I found them all places.

There were people EVERYWHERE. Stairwells, etc - I remember feeling overwhelmed... Concerned that I'd not find enough room for all the people - and everyone needed a place to sleep. And I needed to find somewhere for me to sleep. I called my hubby and told him to bring my new Aerobed to the place so I could sleep. He arrived with it, but there wasn't anywhere left. I looked everywhere for a spot to lay down, but there wasn't anywhere left.

I started to cry, but at the same time was relieved that everyone else had a place to sleep.

That's all I remember.

Yeah, fucked up.

movin on up...

2006-09-26T12:31:00.000-05:00

Sorry I've not updated recently. I'm in the process of relocating to Springfield, Illinois - I start my new job on October 9th - and plan to drive - leaving Dallas on the 6th.

So much to do - my car needs repair. The control for the fan/AC is screwy, need new back brakes, and my power steering has a slow leak. After that's fixed, I need my tires rotated and an oil change. I have folks coming to give me estimates tonight on the car (thank you, Craiglist).

I have to pack, too. Mostly clothes. The new company's relo'ing me - so big stuff will come later. I have to make a trip to IKEA for a few organization items and a few boxes, with handles, to help make the storage/packing process easier.

I have a client who's about $2k behind in paying me. After an email where the owner of the company thought my being upset I've not been paid yet was "funny" - I am giving them till EOD (5pm) today to tell me when payment will be sent, or I'm taking their site down for non-payment until I get paid. They use their site and an application to work directly with their clients, so taking it down will literally cripple them. Ihate to go to those measures, but I need that money - and I don't need the attitude. I have all the power here.

In other news, 7 more days at my current job. I'm so happy to be getting out of here. I was hoping it'd be a great opporunity, but it's turned out to be a dead end. Live and learn.

That's all for now - more to come soon :)

ha ha ha ha cough ha haha hah

2006-09-13T13:39:00.000-05:00

Did you miss my show @ Backdoor Comedy on 9/9? Maybe you couldn't make it - maybe you don't even live in Dallas.

Well, never fear, the video is HERE!

9/11... a non-blog...

2006-09-11T10:16:00.000-05:00

I don't really have much to say on this, the 5th anniversary of 9/11, that hasn't already been said by someone much more eloquently than I could.

So, I'll share with you this brilliantly written piece: This I Believe: That Old Piece of Cloth.

"It bends, it twists, it sometimes hides, but rarely does it break. It sustains us when nothing else can."

2006-08-24T01:01:00.000-05:00

click to view the color image from the artist's website.

"Hope is a wonderful thing,
something to be cherished and nutured,
and something that will refresh us in return.

And it can be found in each of us,
and it can bring light into the darkest of places."

mindfuck

2006-08-13T12:29:00.000-05:00

It's been seven months since my best friend, Marla, passed away. There's not been closure with her family. The one item of hers that her brother said he'd get for me, I never recieved. The items that were in her storage unit (and a few of my items) were never recovered. It makes me sick that her family didn't take action and my best friend's items were auctioned off to strangers. We offered to go through things, box them up, send them to Goodwill or something... but her family never took action - never sent the paperwork that would have allowed us to deal with her things the right way.

Then there was the $500 in stuff that was ours that was in her storage since we all moved to this house... nothing that couldn't be replaced, but still. It's just the principle.

Last week, eGreetings sent me a reminder that Marla's birthday was coming up - August 20. She'd have been 36 this year.

Here's where the mindfuck comes in... after Marla died, I met Steve & Becky... who have very quickly become 2 of the best friends I've ever had.

Becky's birthday's coming up... August 20 - she'll be 36 this year.

Mindfuck.

how to live happily...

2006-07-17T17:38:00.000-05:00

Seth Godin has a very good article (How to live happily with a great designer) - here

If you own a business, work with creatives or are a creative - take a look at his take... good stuff! I printed it out and hung it in my cube (and no, I'm not a designer, really).

fun with spammers - farmers insurance

2006-07-12T11:54:00.000-05:00

Part 1 - Unsolicited "Career" Emails from Farmers Insurance

Here's the correspondence - after the SEVENTH email of this type I've recieved from someone at Farmers over the past 2 months - I replied with my standard Farmers Spam response.

From Farmers Agent to Me:

Dear Applicant,

We have reviewed your resume obtained from Monster.com. We offer the opportunity for you to be in business for yourself with the Nation's third largest Auto, Home, Life, Financial Services and Business insurer. Farmers will help license, train, and put you in your own Multi-Line Insurance Agency.

You may continue your present job and earn full income while training. If you would like the independence of self-employment with a major company backing you, if you desire unlimited earning potential and the ability to earn what you are worth, this could be what you have been looking for. Our standards are high but the rewards are well worth it.

Advantages of Farmers Agency Management Program:
May continue your present job while training
Complete Career Training Program
Financial assistance your first two years
Unlimited earning potential
Independence of self-employment
If you would like more information on Agency opportunities in Dallas and surrounding areas, please call, fax, or e-mail our Agency Development Center.
Sincerely,
Donny Jones
District Manager
Farmers Insurance Group
(972) 283-2996 phone
(972) 283-2006 fax
jonesfarmersins@sbcglobal.net

My standard response to Donny Jones (if that's his real name):

Eventually someone's going to turn you guys in for your bullshit spamming.

Remove me from your lists. I am now contacting Farmers Corporate office to report this, the SEVENTH email, I've gotten, unsolicited - I am also reporting you to all known agencies who deal with SPAM and CAN-SPAM laws.

Donny then responds to me:

It's not good to use profanity.

Me, to Donny "Fucktard" Jones:

It's not good to break the law and to send unsolicited email - fucktard.

"Fucktard" Jones to me:

Be sure to include a copy of this one when you contact our corporate office... I'm sure they'll be interested in your professional demeanor.

Me to Donny "Dickface" Jones:

Dear Dickface,

My email to you was neither unsolicited, nor was it in violation of any laws - US or otherwise.

So, for the last time, don't email me, you donkey raping shit eater. Further emails will be considered harassment and dealt with as such.

Thank you,
A Loyal GEICO Customer

emo jane strikes again...

2006-07-06T17:02:00.000-05:00

Gah! Vacation was WONDERFUL! Not only was Springfield, Illinois charming - the company was even more WONDERFUL! I left Texas knowing I was about to spend the weekend with 2 dear friends, and returned with 2 best friends. That's truly heaven - not because of my gain of deeper friendships, but the giving of my friendship.

Buried a hatchet today, too. It's funny how anger and hurt can cloud your vision of what's truly important. And in that the simple sending of an email (though hard to write) - and getting one in return - a door to a dark, dank, scary place is now closed. It's replaced now with something more like a window - letting in a fresh, cool breeze. Satisfied not because I got to speak my peace, but because I now have peace.

Work is good - my last job, if you left for even a half-day, things just went CRAZY. Too many external influences... but getting back to my desk today, it was nice to find that everything was in it's place - that I had managed my responsiblities so well that nothing went nuts when I was gone. Real delight - not from knowing that I fixed things, but from knowing capabilities lied in the premeditation and planning of good projects.

I got 2 hours of comedy writing in today. I have about 5 new bits to try out with the comedy buddies on Saturday. And I have to just buckle down and DO this. NO MORE EXCUSES!!! NO MORE LAZINESS!!! I WILL GET UP THERE @ THE BACKDOOR ON THURSDAY NEXT WEEK!!! NO EXCUSES!!! I want to be gratified by my persistence to not give up - that seems better than being instantly satisfied by the lazy way out.

Better than happiness at anyone else's expense is knowing that I'm growing content in the good situations, and changing those that aren't.

proof... proverbial... pudding....

2006-06-28T22:37:00.000-05:00

http://comedy.creativephiles.com

3 out of 3 third-world children can't be wrong...

2006-06-28T14:20:00.001-05:00

I've gotten a virtual onslaught of emails wondering how the Comedy Showcase went... so here's an update (sorry it's so late, work's been crazy, what with getting ready to go on VACATION!)!

Man I love the stage... love love love it! The comedy showcase went really, very well. My fellow workshoppers and I took the stage at the Addison Improv - and, honestly - everyone did so well. I was super impressed by Doug... I was hoping for quite the story the next day (we saw him leaving with a HAWWWWTIE!), but he made it through. He was my comedy buddy from day one, and he did so well! Love you, Doug!!

I had the chance to make some great friends during the workshop - Kim, A.J., Jack - all of whom have been incredibly supportive -and we've kept in contact since. A little over half of our group (plus a newcomer, Matt) get together at my place on Saturday AM's to share ideas and work on new material.

I cannot tell you how much the workshop helped my confidence. Most of you know, I'm an attention whore - and getting up on the Improv stage after nearly 2 years of not performing on a regular basis - I just knew it was where I was meant to be. God that feels so good...

I felt confident and very calm - excited, don't get me wrong - but like I was sitting in my living room with about 125 friends, cutting up, making fun of Jared the Subway guy and my fat ass... it was so amazingly exciting.

The crowd was good as well - lots of my friends showed up - and, thankfully, very few of my enemies (except those I've made since then, bitches). And most of them I trust to be honest with me - so the compliments and comments I got - while not *all* positive - have only served to make me want to work harder.

Not bad for my first time. It was definately better than my first time having sex - but that's another blog, or maybe a bit... dunno.

And it's good to have a stranger write something nice about you... Comedy Critic (about 8 or 9 down on the page, you'll find a review of my set - look for Amelia (along with reviews of everyone else's set that night).

I think I've finally found something I'm good at. Something I've worked *VERY* hard at, but good at. As easy as music has come to me in my life - it's never been as fulfilling as this... I wish I could put my finger on why.

I'm spending lunches, now - at least an hour a day - working on new material. I'd say for every 10 ideas I come up with - I have 2 that are "good" and probably will whittle down to 1 that I'll end up doing.

I'm going up a week from tomrrow @ The Backdoor... I'm super excited and then hope to be going up there or at other Dallas OMN's (open mic nights) regularly. Even if open mics are all I ever do - I'm totally cool with that. I just want to write, challenge myself, grow as a performer, comic and writer, and be proud of what I put out there. None of that "I'm gonna try some new stuff out" mentality - every time I get up - I'm going to lay it out.

And what if someone doesn't like it? Meh, you can't please everyone all the time - hell, I can't even please a few people sometimes... But I can know that I really did do my best (and if you know me, you'll know I'm a perfectionist and that I'm super hard on myself) - and that really is all that matters.

Thanks to our "instructor", Dean Lewis, who is not only a gifted comedian, but also a great teacher. A a big thanks to my big bro's and sis's - who've been here in Dallas doing this for a while - and have been extremely encouraging: Bob, Jack, Angela, Sheri, Shaun... thank you guys for being at the showcase, for showing up to the workshops, for being honest and offering constructive criticism and for really giving me lots to think about, to mull over, and to apply to my comedy and my life. I hope that as a new comic, I can "represent" Dallas as well as you all have.

Oh and the video? It's coming - tonight. I should have the DVD in my hot little hands before bed tonight, I'll put my nerd hat on and convert it to 15 different media types and I'll post a link so everyone who wants to can check it out.

So, what's next? Open Mics - lots and lots and lots of them! And I'm so excited!!!

In general, this is another thing in my life falling into place at the right time - I'm finally figuring out not only what it is to be happy - but also what it is to be joyful. It's a an awesome feeling.

Tomorrow I leave for a much-needed and much anticipated vacation and will be back next Wednesday. Sweet, sweet relaxation, here I come... and yes, I'm taking my notebook with me.

ha ha ha...

2006-06-14T15:25:00.000-05:00

caution: blog contains sexual innuendo.

T-minus 5 days until my big debut as a (wannabe) Stand-Up Comic.

T-minus 5 days... and am I nervous? Nope. Not in the least. I mean, shit, what's the worst that can happen? I feel no worse than I do right now (last week's workshop - I left feeling as if I'd started back at week one and the bits I worked so hard on fell flat).

I still have to tighten my set - I have 2 bits left to tighten - then my bits will be super-tight. I plan to edit tonight, put together the set tonight - then run through it and tape it tomorrow over lunch to time it out. I need to get the rythym right... and make sure that I leave room for breathing/laughing.

7 minutes. 7 minutes of magic. That's more time than I usually take to get off. Heh. Oh yeah, I'm funny.

setting sail...

2006-06-09T13:24:00.000-05:00

Please excuse for a few moments if I become "Emo Jane"... I've been spending so much time writing comedy (my new stand-up obsession) - I have to get out some serious thoughts now and then.

A few weeks ago I made a post about my birthday and did a mini-rant about friends... and how I felt let down, and discouraged with some of them. Trish had a great comment back about the ebb and flow of adult friendship... and it made me go "Huh!" and really think about my perceptions.

I think this year was particularly hard for me because my best friend, Marla, wasn't there to celelbrate with me. And while I did a great job of focusing on the friends who did make it - I started to get a bit distraught at the fact that a lot of the people I consider friends - well, they really aren't.

I don't want this post to be about how this or that person is a bad friend, because, frankly, I'm just as bad of a friend in some cases. I'm not one of those "Pot", "Kettle" people - well, not most of the time.

What I really wanted to post about is about a couple of new friends I've recently made. And while not detracting from any current, old or now defunct friendships in my life - I wanted to share a bit about this friendship.

For the first time in a long time, I've had the opportunity to meet and now get to know a couple of people who I feel completely open, honest and "myself" with. Honestly, it's not all that comfortable at times - because people like this tend to make you not only see the good things about yourself, but evalute those things that need changing... but man, that's what the essence of a true friendship is - isn't it?

Anyhow, all of my neurosis, all of my insecurity, all of my drama, all of my vulnerability - these people seem to just take it all in stride, and never stop reminding me that I'm pretty damn cool just how I am. And it's not all puppies and kittens and roses - I also count on these people to call me out when I'm being ridiculous or stupid... and to give me that necessary kick in the ass that I need... but when I had a rough day - they sent me flowers... which are now sitting happily on my desk and put a smile on my face each time I see them...

They never forget to let me know that even with all my issues - they still love me just as I am.

It's such a rarity to find - people like this. I found one of them about 10 years ago now, at college. I found one about 9 years ago - who I later married. And now, I have found two people who are very quikly becoming very dear to me...

And not even because they are wonderful, talented, witty, charming, remarkable people in their own right - but because they make me want to be all of those things - and more. And make me want to be ok to just be me.

I love you guys.

a blast from the past...

2006-05-21T22:26:00.000-05:00

I found a CD from when I worked at the "Nazi Death Camp" with Catpants - and it had the following illustrations (done by Catpants) saved on it. Why are they funny? Cause they are totally something my then-boss would have done!

THE OFFICE SUPPLY BEAUTY SYSTEM

Ahh, thems was the days.

it's natural...

2006-05-12T15:31:00.000-05:00

Growing up, a lot of things came easy to me - eating an entire box of Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls, jumping really far off of the swings, getting off of the teeter-totter when someone I didn't like was at the top, singing, burping the alphabet...

For college, I picked a major that came easy to me - music. I spent time in places where things felt natural (church, to name one)... and I've tried, and failed, at things that I thought I was a natural at, but turned out not to be.

Take the violin playing - since I was *very* young... I was never going to be the best at it... always trying to live up to my mom's "legend" (she was one of the best fiddle players ever - Doug Kershaw even asked her to join his band)
or
Manual labor.

And now my newest "doesn't come natural to me" hobby - stand-up comedy.

For the past 4 weeks I've been in a Stand-up Comedy Workshop. And, until today, I was convinced this was something else I thought would be "natural", but would end up, like many other things, a failure.

I've had a very hard time trying NOT to be funny (the core of any stand-up act is REAL emotion and REAL situations that aren't funny, on their own). Then, you've got to spend a GREAT deal of time writing. My ADD makes this difficult - ok, ADD and my laziness.

AND I've needed to do more rehearsing than I've ever had to do for music or theatre event.

Then you have to edit, edit, edit.

And just when you think you found the "aha!" moment - and your comedy "bit" becomes something you are proud of - you can fall flat when an audience doesn't respond.

My only audience, at least for the next few weeks - are a group of 7 other comedy wannabes and the instructor.

Getting up in front of the class today - God, I love to perform (not the first time I've realized this, but it was a new infusion of the excitement). I stood on the stage in the bright lights - a few inches away from the microphone - and took a deep breath, filling my lungs with the smell of wet, stinky feet and stale cigarette smoke... and this feeling overcame me...

I love to perform. I love it. It's what I want to do forever and ever and ever. This is what I'm meant to do.

I went through my 3 under-rehearsed bits, and I believe I did what they call in comedy as "killing" the group. I killed. People consistency laughed - and that's really something with a group that has become very analytical about comedy (I don't laugh as much anymore when I watch stand-up - I'm too busy trying to find the top, premise, punchlines, tags, etc)...

A number of my classmates did critiques - and most of them told me how funny I was - and how great I am at this.

The moment, though - that really made me *believe* I'm not just a fat, ugly loser who is chasing yet another unattainable dream - doing something that feels unnatural and forced - was when the instructor (a man who's been in comedy MANY years, has MANY great performing accomplishments, has shared the stage with greats like Seinfeld, etc) said - "Amelia, you've really got something special. You are one of the most naturally talented performers I've ever seen in my life."

Wow.

And I was on a high - for about an hour - till the rub showed up... My lifelong dream of making it as a singer wasn't going to happen. Maybe replaced with another performance path - but this was definitely a wake up call.

Singing is the most natural thing I do. I really believe I'm better than about 95% of singers out there. I never had to work hard at it. It's the thing I've thought most about - what I wake up thinking about, the last thing I think about before falling asleep.

I guess I could try to make myself believe I could do both - but who really would take a comedian turned serious musician, well, seriously? I mean J-Lo will always be a DANCER first - no one takes her singing career seriously - there aren't even many folks who take her acting career seriously.

So, I guess I need to stop throwing the pity party here... and focus my efforts onto something that isn't necessarily "natural" but is something - when I put in the work - I seem to be very, very good at.

the duh-vinci code

2006-04-27T22:39:00.000-05:00

Sure is a lot of hubbub about "The DaVinci Code" movie coming out... sure is a lot of hubbub from folks who haven't read the book.

Ignorance.
Idiocy.
stupidity.

The part about all this that compels me to blog is, specifically, Christians who are speaking out against the book as tearing down Christianity.

What.
The.
Fuck.

The book is FICTION. It's clearly stated it is FICTION... and for those people who want to bury their heads in the sand - people have been talking about these same "theories" about Jesus' lineage for a long time (very very long time).

Not even Historical Fiction... it didn't even say that.

But now that it's a best-selling book, and soon to be a movie - every church, minister and Christian business is jumping on the bandwagon to make money off of this movie.

Take, for instance, this website from Tyndale House Publishing > DaVinci Didn't Convince Me. Among other things, the site is designed in somewhat the same feel as TDVC official movie site (sadly, DVDCM's site lacks the intriguing content of the official site). And, if you don't want to visit either site, I'll share with you a few tidbits from the DVDCM site.

Capitalism. Gotta love it. Way to go Tyndale House - you bottom-feeders. And I hope this does the opposite - I hope it DRIVES people to see the movie (which cannot be as good as the book - and the book was good)!!!

First, the homepage has some great stuff - heh... - this is a gem:

"... blurs the line between history and fiction, leaving readers, and now movie-goers, thinking that Christianity is based on a lie."

AND my favorite...

"Learn the facts behind the fiction that is SHAKING THE FAITH OF CHRISTIANS WORLDWIDE..."

Now, as a Christian, and as SOMEONE WHO HAS READ THE BOOK - it didn't shake my faith at all. I read this FICTION book for entertainment. Shake my faith? HARDLY!

Blur the lines? Of what! The book IS FICTION.
FAKE.
FICTION.

Is this the state of Christianity? The state of Christian faith is one *so* delicate that a book or movie could shake it?

My.
Soul.
Stolen by Dan Brown!

Entire churches are doing sermon series on how it's fake. DUH. And the lemmings are putting their [Cartman voice on] Dollah in the box [/Cartman voice off] - buying into how this movie is evil and horrible and ruining Christianity.

PUH-LEEZ.

I had a similar personal experience with someone about 6 years ago at Fellowship Church of Grapevine, Texas. I'll keep it brief:
I was on the music team for 2 years and seldom used on the platform... and when I asked why, I was brushed aside. Finally, the situation came to a head when I was told I wasn't needed for the service the weekend after Christmas. I had cut my Christmas vacation short to be back to sing - and was shocked when I was told that I wasn't needed and that the music directors at the time would talk to me the 3rd or 4th weekend of January.

Unhappy with that answer (why wait 3 or 4 weeks, let's just settle this), I went up to the church Saturday night and confronted Rob and Lianne about it (they were very shocked to see me). After the service, I was told the two reasons I was no longer on the music team... "I wasn't the image they wanted to portray from the stage". Part 1 - my appearance (overweight) and Part 2 - the biggest part (which goes with this blog entry) - that the Jr High Minister's wife told them I was working on a website that was "Satanic". Or rather, Oprah-esque (new agey).

They simply could not have that image on the platform! And I was cut lose, without even asking me my side. They didn't even know the name of the website in question, nor had they seen it. All of that based on one person's false representation - based on gossip.

Here is where my tie in with this DuhVinci stuff comes in - Lianne (music leader person) said to me - LITERALLY - "I would not feel comfortable going to such a site, it may hurt my faith. I certainly would not even consider going to it if I were alone."

I remember laughing a bit and asking if she was serious. She was.

Long story short - the meeting ended with my husband and I never returning to Fellowship Church, even after asking for one of the pastors to get involved and mediate the situation. A certified letter to Ed Young (the senior pastor) went unreplied to.

Yeah - hurt her faith. A website. Yeah, right.

Anyhow, back to somewhat of a point:

If one's faith is so weak as to be rattled by a book of fiction or a movie, such a person should first figure out what they believe and WHY. Why is their faith so shaky as to be blown by this or that?

I didn't see the Jews going all ape-shit over "The Passion of the Christ". And to them, Jesus being the Son of God was fiction. They weren't all going crazy over how this movie would hurt their faith and numbers!

Wow.
Just, wow.

Yet another reason church just isn't for me (that and the aforementioned bad experience with places like Fellowship Church).

I'll close with some words that were on a sign above the door to my 9th Grade History Teacher's office:
"Ignorance is Expensive".

dear neighbors...

2006-04-12T16:29:00.000-05:00

I'm a good neighbor, I think. I keep to myself, keep the yard clean, I don't have 15 flamingoes in the front yard or 75 of those wooden "women bent over asses" stuck in the shrubs. I also don't routinely rev my vehicle's engine after 9pm, or anytime for that matter - I have a couple of parties a year, but nothing obnoxious. I don't leave trash out -and I don't put trash out before trash putting out time.

But we have a few bad neighbors, though. One, in particular, has a pair of annoying dogs. Here is a letter I'm putting on their door tomorrow:

Dear Neighbor -

I've lived next door to you for a year and a half, now - and believe I have come to the point in my neighborship that I should communicate with you about your dogs and their incessant fucking barking between the hours of 6:45am and 7:30am Monday through Friday.

I have, by my calculation, lost a total of 337.5 hours of sleep due to your pet mis-management.

As a dog owner myself, I understand that dogs bark - it's just part of what they do - but it seems that your dogs have no "off switch" once they are out of the house in the early morning. If I hadn't seen with my own eyes that my dog could refrain from his own barking (even when he is tempted to by your dogs), I would not bother you with this letter - but it's obvious that if other dogs can be restrained from barking, yours can as well.

Our wonderful city government has listed clearly an ordinace regarding such an issue: Article 1, Section 14-2, (12) The act of permitting a dog to bark in such a manner as to disturb the inhabitants of the community. Breaking such an ordinace can result in fines as well as Animal Control getting involved. I would hate for that to happen - so I'm coming to you, first.

I am requesting, respectfully that you please treat us with the respect we have always afforded you - to offer us the time we need to sleep, so as not to be fucking, crazy, mean neighbors who would simply shut your dogs up by our own devices.

Should you not be willing to honor this request - I'll be left with no recourse but to stand outside of your house sometime between the hours of 3am and 5am, Monday through Friday, singing the theme song to TV's Survivor.

Thank you,
Me

care bear stare (and point and laugh)...

2006-03-15T14:28:00.000-06:00

This week, I'll recap American Idol by renaming all the idols to Care Bear names. So, even if you hate AI, no one hates the Care Bears – wheee!

Ace
Aka – Sluts-A-Lot Bear (seriously, he looks like a total fucking manwhore)
Insignia – A manbear doggy-styling another manbear.
He's lucky he's got his looks. I thought nothing could be worse than Ace singing Michael Jackson, but Stevie Wonder – yeah, wayyy worse. Every time he sings, I envision a cabana boy – who is being punished by Jack Bauer (24) for not telling him where the canisters of nerve gas are located – and, well – let's just say – lots of drugs and pulling of pubic hairs. If you gagged Ace, tied him up with some kneesocks and hung him from a meathook in my garage and let me have my way with him – even then, not hot, not an idol. Just.not.

Kellie
Aka – Can't Be Smart and Pretty Bear (you know, you gotta pick one Kellie – awww, it looks like you can't be either – too bad… [wah-wah])
Insignia – Jessica Simpson's Face + MENSA Logo in the center of one of those circles with a red line through it.
Ummm yeah – how long do you think America is going to fall for your "I'm so dumb I had no idea my retarded uncle was molesting me" game? NOT VERY LONG. I am now going to add Kellie to the list of people, who, if lit on fire, wouldn't burn, but would just melt into a pile of goo. Vocally it was seriously like masturbating with a brillo pad. But, I'm sure Kellie doesn't know what masturbating is, much less a brillo pad (le sigh).

Elliott
Aka – E.T. Bear (oh, come on – someone HAD to say it – I know you all point your finger at the TV when he comes on and say "Ehhlll eeeeee ahhhhtttt")
Insignia – ET's Head in silhouette – or maybe just a bicycle silhouette – either would do
Elliot really has a good voice (minus the head-shaking vibrato thing) – I just don't get why he's inconsistent. He and I even have a similar bad-singing habit – tilting our head back when we sing…. strange. Part of me wants Elliot to win just because he could finally have enough money to get them thar fucked-up toofs fixed. It's strange, it's like his teeth should be in Bucky's mouth, and… well, I digress.

Mandisa
Aka – Buffet Bear (fuck you all, you know damn well she likes buffets… no one that size doesn't…. I know! I'll give her some credit – at least she didn't admit on national TV she loves chitlins)
Insignia – Twinkie on left, door in middle – Mandisa trying to get through the door
As a chubby chik – I'm glad that Mandisa is representing for us this year. It's good that her size hasn't hindered her in the competition [hahha, I said hinder]. But let's face it, the only reason that she's not getting harsher critiques (and, really she SHOULD be getting harsher critiques) is, well – one of 2 reasons… 1 – the judges are afraid she will sit on them or #2 (more likely, as security for the judges is tight) – no one tells a fat, black woman that she can't sing the fuck out of a song if she's even marginally good. Added to that is that Mandisa is just *nice*. Not phony plastic nice, but truly nice. Thus, I will not call her a fucking fat ass again in this entry.

Bucky
Aka – Mouthful O'Cocks Bear (from experience comes knowledge of what this sounds like - ok, well maybe not cocks, plural - but yeah, it's hard to understand anything being sung when you got a mouthful o'cocks)
Insignia – A bear face with a BIG open mouth
First of all, from the beginning, I just cannot be led to expect much from a guy named "Bucky". Ok, I can't understand a fucking thing this inbred backwoods hickboy is singing. It seriously sounds like he's got a mouthful o'cocks (O'cocks is, of course, a tribute to St. Patrick's Day) every time he sings. The funny thing - when he and Stevie Wonder were on the video intro - Mouthful wasn't sounding anything like he did when he was singing. Oh, and the miming of riding a bull doesn't help... seriously - I've seen REAL cowboys and they don't walk with their legs spread 4 feet apart... well, unless they're the "brokeback" kind of cowboys.

Melissa
Aka – Forgets-a-Lot Bear (I mean DURRRR who doesn't know, just from watching AI from auditions, that the word is PREMONITION not RECOGNITION! SCREAM!)
Insignia – A big question mark
Fucking eh - it sucks when you really like someone but they shoot themselves in the foot and make it impossible. Like Old Yeller - you love that dog, but that stupid SOB got rabies - DUH! I actually like her voice (though it's clear she does too much throat singing)... but holy hell, REMEMBER THE WORDS! I'm so frustrated with her, I have no more to say about her.

Lisa
Aka – Direct to DVD Bear (I mean, come on, she's so child theatre star that she's going to have her own direct to DVD movies someday... yes, those kind)
Insignia – The face of a girl with pigtails - crying hysterically
Thank God the stylists spent a few more hours on her hair this week. Last week it looked like roadkill, this week it looked soft and supple (I'm guessing, honestly, that they were extensions) - much like Bo Bice's hair of Season IV. This girl has absolutely nothing remarkable about her... NOTHING. I can see the covers of her DVD's now - Former American Idol Contestant BARES ALL for a few dollars. I don't see that she'll be having any type of career. Her novelty of a child star could only be carried on in the Adult industry... or possibly as a walk-on role in some ghastly WB show.

Kevin
Aka – Eats Lead Paint Bear (I swear, he's got to be retarded or deformed or something)
Insignia – A bear and a honey pot - except the honey pot is a pail of lead paint
I think Kevin missed out on the American Junior's auditoins a few years ago. This KID has a great voice, but ladies and gentlemen, this is a SINGING competition. The majority of us "music fans" support artists by BUYING THEIR CD. Unless you are into little boys (Michael Jackson or Catholic Clergy) or are deaf, I can't imagine anyone who'd buy that! Granted, people by Ashlee Simpson - but I see that differently - I mean Ashlee Simpson's like a train wreck - this is like watching brain surgery on Discovery Channel performed by Hannibal Lector... it's interesting - but then you're like GROSS!!! The lisp, the retardorena (his dancing) and his general look freak me out. Fuck.

Kevin, you got where you are because of the judges - at this point the only reason you're still in the competition is because they believed in you, gave you a chance and now votefortheworst.com is plugging you as the worst. So before you spout your lisp-laden voice at Simon and be insulting and ingrateful - you should realize that this is the only shot at anything even near fame you'll ever have.

Katherine
Aka – Titsalot Bear (GAWD she has PERFECT breasts)
Insignia – Two extremely even, extremely perky breasts
Ms. McPhee is my AIV girlcrush. She's just gorgeous and has those eyes that speak to you... Now, if she'd just stop the "giddy" game - I could really see her being a star. And her breasts - they're so perfectly shaped - and those lips. *sigh* I'm going to play girlcrush MacGuyver... McPhee, Cool Whip and Chocolate Sauce....

Taylor
Aka – Shiny Happy People Bear (ok, I know, not funny, but this guy just makes me smile every time he performs)
Insignia – Just a big smiley face
I have a hard time finding fault with Taylor - except that he looks like he's 10 years older than the oldest other competitor. He picks great songs, sings them well, and is unique. Honestly, Taylor would do better if he quit the competition now - except that one of my only ROCKS (I can count on him to be good) would be gone from my weekly TV lineup. Other than harmonica, does he play any instruments? Does anyone know?

Taylor, I LURVE you!

Paris
Aka – Christian Tourette's Bear (seriously, if there were ever a better reason that there should be no talking after the songs - it's Paris [ok, maybe Kellie])
Insignia – A cross who's middle line is an exclamation point - a BIG ONE
Now, don't get me wrong here, I'm a Christian myself - but when these gospel women get on the stage and start singing about how they're "Thankful for thar savyah" after they sing - it makes me want to rub glass shards in my eyes. It could be becaues it's just absolutely out of place (like that woman barking on all fours in an Episcopal church service). And who is dressing this girl? She looks like the homemade second-hand Barbie clothes my mom would bring home from garage sales when I was a kid. Everyone else had great Chinese-child made dresses for their Malibu Barbie, and I had some fucked up crochet-assed half jacket that smelled of cat pee. Again, I don't think she deserves to win because I would never buy her CD... just like Fantasia - a failure as an Idol.

Chris
Aka – Chippendale Bear (I'm not alone here in that he's this years MFI [Most Fuckable Idol])
Insignia – A naked, well-hung bear with a bowtie
I have nothing bad to say - except that his head was almost so shiny I got distracted by the glare. Mmmmm soooo good. I'd not only buy his CD, I'd rub it on my privates.

digital sticks and stones...

2006-03-10T13:34:00.000-06:00

The internet isn't always good. That's a big thing coming from someone so incurably addicted. By addicted, I mean - I will die if I don't have it! I mean, I don't even remember how to use a phone book. Newspaper? Pshaw. The internet is really quite invaluable - I use it to get my news, look up contact information, reserach future purchases, shop and communicate.

And that's where the problem comes in - using the internet to communicate... I know, I know, I'm communicating *right now* in my blog with you, my virtual fan club, in hopes that I can get my thoughts out of my head and onto this screen. But when it comes to friendships and relationships and the internet, what a double-edged sword it is.

A.D.D. Moment: Marie Callender's Chicken Pot Pie is the best make-at-home-potpie. Hands down. Mmm mmm good.

It's no secret to those who know me, I make friends quickly and fairly easily. Many of the friends I've had the longest are people I've met on the internet. I met my husband on the internet - and I consider some of the people I trust the most to be people I've never met (or met only once) in real life.

Man it's pretty incredible how we can communicate so quickly - I can IM you right now, snark, send you a link of that guy dancing naked to that song on a video... or I can write you a long, drawn-out email about how you make me feel. I can manipulate, assasinate, commend, build up and advertise everything about you in my blog. But is that really the best way to deal with life? Is the instant nature of the internet the best way to communicate?

Over the past year, I've become one of those people who believe that the interent makes communication worse, not better.

A group of friends that, a little over a year ago had fun together - are splintered now. Instead of acting like adults, picking up the phone, or going out for coffee, it was easier for me and the other people involved to just snipe back and forth in our blogs. Worse yet are the feelings that were stirred up when certain members of the group DIDN'T say anything when it was going on.

I used a previous blog to talk about work - my frustrations, but mostly about my enjoyment of that job and the fantastic friends I made there and our adventures. However, it ended up being a bad choice, and I ended up getting fired over a nameless, detailless entry about a co-worker.

You can even use the internet to excommunicate someone! Maybe you had a falling out or a misunderstanding - next thing you know, your comments aren't replied to that you leave for them in a blog. Then your emails aren't replied to. An invite is sent to an event and you're not a part of the list anymore. Digitial excommunication. Not such good times.

Thanks to the internet, you can have a day, week, month or year-long fight with someone you claim to "not give a shit about"! You can insult everything from their shaving habits to deaths of those close to them. You can use whatever you have as ammo to get the last word in.

Things you tell someone in confidence and in a time of need or weakness are pasted up for everyone to see - with your name on it. Sent around in an email chain or IM'd as the day's hot gossip.

Recently, my private and personal dirty laundry was aired in a blog. The parties involved were having a back and forth (and sideways) in the comments, all while I'm reading things that are embarassing, private and disappointing about myself in the text.

God bless communication! God bless the internet!

But even with all of that, I am sitting here, blogging and contemplating that next instant-gratification moment when I drop that IM or email and tell someone to.... well, I digress - but isn't that the point?

a light at the end of the tunnel...

2006-02-27T16:57:00.000-06:00

There was a country song that said something like "There's a light at the end of the tunnel, I hope it ain't no train." It always made me laugh when I heard it (yes, yes, I had a "country phase"). It is such a good mix of humorous and serious, don't you think? You won't find out what that light is without confronting it.

So the confrontation about the life insurance I've been dreading happened. Marla's brother called Saturday and the topic came up. I have to say that I was thankful Mr. Average took the call and dealt with Brother. In no uncertain terms, Mr. A made it clear that we'd not be giving any of the money to the family - but Brother continued to appeal - asking us not to make a "rash" decision based on emotion.

He also made some great comments about how we need to "understand how hard it was for his mother - having come here during the Civil Rights Movement."

A.D.D. Moment: I was sharing this info with a co-worker of mine - telling her the story. And she said "Wow, that's reverse-racism!" Ummm, what the hell is "reverse racism"? Does that even make sense? Racism is racism - and just because you're black doesn't make it any less atrocious.

I think Brother thinks that he has my balls in a vice grip (so to speak) because the family has the death certificate (needed to get the paperwork filed)... well, my boss was extremely kind in letting me have a few personal hours to deal with everything Friday afternoon, and that included getting the death certificate from the county clerk. Turns out I was able to get that myself - simply by having the paperwork from the insurance company (and giving them a copy) - which made me a "legal representative".

I have to break here a moment and say that I think the hardest time I've had through this whole thing was when I was on the train, and read the death certificate and saw the reasons for Marla's Death:

Liver Failure (days)
Liver Cirrhosis (years)
Something unreadable
inflammatory Bowel Syndrome

All I could think of was how sick she must have been - and she'd been living with us over a year - how could I not know? Shana and I talked a bit - and she thought the same as I did. She was so sick, but always had a smile on her face - always up for doing something. *shakes head*

So, anyhow - I got the certificate and FedEx'ed the paperwork to the insurance company. Brother called Saturday... He said something about how his father wanted to help with funeral expenses and if I would send some of the money, that'd be one way he could help. That I could think about it and send her father "whatever I thought fair."

That's a GREAT idea except when I found out that Marla's truck (mentioned in a previous post) - that I thought the father had - well, he DONATED it to the church. Told Marla's other friend here to give it to the church.

I'm sorry, but if it were so important to put money toward the funeral expenses, shouldn't he have kept the truck, sold it, paid off the rest of the loan Marla had (it wasn't a large loan), and then used that money for the funeral?

And if the funeral expenses were such a burden for her (well-off) mother, then why couldn't she have talked to me about that money 6 weeks ago? Why wait 6 weeks when, I figure, if it were such a burden, she'd want that money to offset the charges anyhow? Brother claimed that he hadn't even looked at the paperwork before Saturday.

Balderdash!

So, I said no. I'm not going to give them anything. Besides, I *KNOW* that the funeral was not what Marla would have wanted. Why should the money be spent on that? And, let's not forget, they already hate me.

Brother asked, at the end, that we think about it some more. I have. No is my final answer.

I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel: Never having to deal with that family, that church or her other "friends" ever again.

don't hold your breath....

2006-02-21T09:47:00.000-06:00

People aren't inherently good. They're just not. So, don't hold your breath - thinking they'll do the right thing.

On January 10 of this year, my best friend passed away from liver failure due to untreated Crohn's disease. I have been having a really hard time dealing with her death. She lived with me, and we'd been through a lot. The closest thing to a sister either of us had was each other. She had no family here in Dallas - and only two really good friends here.

Up to Marla's getting sick, I'd say the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life was calling my folks and telling them I was in a cult and I needed help to get out. But that didn't even compare to making phone calls to Marla's friends, co-workers, boss and those dear to her, telling them she was dying and if they wanted to see her, this was the last chance. Nothing prepares you to do that.

The funeral was a terrible experience... unfortunately it wasn't about celebrating Marla's life, it was all about the church she attended (Fellowship Church, Grapevine, Texas) and her life in that church. Every story, every comment, everything was about that church... and if you would have gone to the memorial service and not known her, you'd have thought her life ended 5 years ago when she took a trip with 2 friends from church. Her family wasn't a part of that church, her best friend Julie from High School wasn't a part of that church, and though I met Marla at Fellowship, I wasn't a part of that church any longer - Those of us who weren't members of Fellowship may as well have not existed.

I kept telling myself I didn't need anyone to validate my friendship with Marla. That's a lie, though. As she lay in the hospital (nearly 3 weeks), I kept dealing with being called "the roommate". Being asked to pack up her stuff. Being asked to do this or that errand for her or the family. I talked to her just about every day - visited her when I could - and was appalled that the first time one of the dozen pastors from Fellowship Church came to the hospital was an hour before she passed away (he couldn't get there when the call came in that she had only hours remaining, he had to finish some speaking engagement). Worse was that her family didn't even arrive until the last week she was alive. Her father left the day before she passed away, her mother and brother didn't arrive until after she'd died.

Her last hours - in that hospital bed, in a coma, the room filled with people who didn't respect her when she was awake, alive, full of joy - I held her hand tightly as those church folks talked about their record numbers from the day before... as one of them talked on the cell phone and made comments about how Marla wasn't a regular attender of the church and no one knew what to expect. There as they swooped in, and pushed me aside. Acting as if, all along, they were there to hold her when she cried after being kicked out of ministry after ministry, after a job fell through, after a boyfriend didn't work out, after sleeping in her truck - as if they were there.

Ugh.

And her family, they hate me. The main strike against me? I'm white. You read that right. I'm white. Her family doesn't trust or like white people.

But that didn't stop the family from putting me in the awkward position of helping them to commit fraud with the company that had lien on her truck (they told the company that she died in the truck and it was totalled). Didn't stop them from asking for favor after favor after Marla died.

It didn't stop them from neglecting to tell me that I was the sole beneficiary on her life insurance. They have known this for well over a month, and didn't tell me. The insurance company had to find me and tell me. It didn't stop them from making a comment to the insurance woman that Marla may have been under duress when she filled out the insurance forms (being that she lived with me, etc)

I don't even care about the fucking money. I don't. I just care that the one thing that Marla clearly spelled out she wanted happens. God help anyone who gets in the way of my making sure that at least one thing through this horrible event goes the way Marla would have wanted it to go.

But this, this insurance thing - in a fucked up way - I see this as validation. From Marla to me, to her family, to anyone who knows. Validation.

People have told me not to misdirect my anger. That her family is grieving too. That I shouldn't be angry with them.

But I am. They are bad people. They are crazy, bad, selfish people.

If they're expecting anything else from me - they shouldn't be holding their breath.

variety show

2006-02-17T11:28:00.000-06:00

So much has been going on lately. So, this will be a variety show type post... no A.D.D. Moment, persay, because I expect this post to be mostly A.D.D.

The Cheney "Shooting": Ugh. No, really, UGH.

I grew up in Wisconsin - where hunting was a major part of life. Our Thanksgiving revolved around the men coming home from deer hunting. Fresh venison, rabbit, pheasant... god, so good (mini A.D.D. Moment - how anyone can be a vegetarian baffles me). I can tell you that accidents happen, even in situations where "gun safety" is being adhered to. Shit happens.

It's absolutely ridiculous that this non-news story has become (just about) bigger than when the Hmong guy in Wisconsin killed other hunters (ref).

The real news story here? The fact that the media is so narcissistic - angry because they weren't told first (last I checked I didn't think the news media had some type of contract with the White House for breaking news).

Ugh.

Music, etc: I signed up for SongU. It's an online "school" for songwriting. They also have some basic theory classes, guitar and home recording stuff. I put an ad out that I was willing to do demos and cowrite. This weekend, I just need to get some stuff recorded. Should be easier once I get my beloved guitar out of pawn. Until then, I'll have to settle for Band In a Box and my digital piano.

If anyone's interested in hearing my stuff, just comment here and I'll post links.

American Idol: I'm just not excited this year by AI. Maybe it's because I'm jaded (see earlier posts) due to my own failed AI experience. I'm just baffled that they let through to the top 24 a few people who really don't have "hitmaker" voices. Out of the 24 moving on, I can only remember 4 that strike me as potential winners. 4. That's sad.

I could go on for at least 2 paragraphs about the Brittnum twins (I don't care how it's spelled, if you watch, you know who I mean). All that talk about how they were exemplifying the American Idol personae turned out to be lies upon their lies upon their lies. I'm glad they're gone from the show, and even more glad that they're getting caught up with when it comes to the shenanigans in their past.

That's it for now. 3-day weekend and a wootoff - god bless the U.S.A!

proudness

2006-02-14T13:04:00.000-06:00

A poem I penned is highlighted today on inBubbleWrap (link at right).

I am quite proud of myself.

*pats self on back*

I hope to present everyone with a fantastic full-length blog entry later today or tomorrow. Real life takes front seat to the blog, unfortunately.

extreme makeover... groan edition

2006-02-13T14:31:00.000-06:00

[Extreme Makeover: Home Edition plays on TV]

About an hour and fifteen minutes in, I blink a few times and say:
"I'm bored with your philanthropy."

...on account of our obstacles

2006-02-08T14:36:00.000-06:00

There are times when I look at my life and all I see are obstacles. Walls I can't get over, hills I can't climb, minefields I'm not even going to try to get through.

We all have them - and some of us even have the *same* ones.

For example, I was (sorta) part of a discussion the other day - it happened to be realted to weight (beginning of the year still, so that tends to be a hot topic). A woman had 15 pounds to lose and she is obsessing about it - to the point of making others around her worry if she is too obsessive. I immediately tune out the nonsense - because, honestly, I cannot (AT ALL) relate to someone who has 15 "vanity" pounds to lose .

During this conversation, another girl chimed in that this woman's 15 pounds is just as big of a deal to this person as 150lbs is to someone who's truly obese (hi, I'm sitting right here, thanks). This is where I tuned back in and got a little upset.

I don't think that's a fair comparison. The person who is obsessing over 15 pounds has more going on with them than body image, IMHO. If you truly obsess (to haunt or excessively preoccupy the mind) over 15 pounds, then I think there's obviously something going on there that doesn't really involve weight. Honestly, obsession is bad, no matter who you are. But 15 pounds?

ADD Moment: Every year, the American Idol judges say that "This year's idol will be the biggest ever. The contestants this year will blow you away." It may be possible they've shown very few of the actual good people up to this point - but there have been very few "standout" people this year. I can't even name 5 people that I've seen in the audition process that struck me as measuring up to what I'd expect to come out of the competition. Worse yet, the obvious advancement of people who have no business singing on that stage in Hollywood. Maybe I'm just jaded because I didn't make the cut (and I am, I admit it), but I believe that there are too many people who don't really want it taking the places of people who have the passion, desire and talent - but may lack an element or two that the competition could give them.

And the girl who spoke up is beautiful - thin, pretty, fairly smart... has a lot going for her - she's 26, and cares a lot about her appearance - so I guess I can see where she thinks that there's no difference between the 15lb and 150lb person.

As someone who's 150lbs overweight, I can tell you that I don't obsess. There is NO correlation between someone who is wanting to lose 15 vanity pounds in comparison to me. The motivation to fit into that dress, or those jeans, or be pretty for this or that event - is no where in comparison to wanting to live for 5 more years, wanting to to be able to walk a decent distance without getting tired, and wanting people to judge me based on me, not my size.

I came to the realization a few weeks ago that, even at my size, even with my health issues and the related stresses of being fat, I don't think I want to be thin bad enough. Truly. It's not even about willpower here, it's more about

I don't know what it will take to get me to take my health seriously. I don't know what it will take to convince me that I can overcome this. I just watched one of my best friends die from not taking care of her health issues... but I see her issues very differently from my own. She just needed to go to the doctor, take some pills... I have a monumental task in front of me - losing half of my body weight. That's major. While I know those around me love and want me to be happy and healty - I feel as though I'm not supported. Or rather, not supported in the way I feel I need to be to succeed. So if my best friend dying in front of me doesn't shake me into the reality of the gravity of my lifestyle - what will?

There are just too many things between me and the treasure I seek - and I don't think that I care enough to even try to get there. Worse yet, I know no one else can care for me.

fucking shit!

2006-02-08T09:08:00.000-06:00

As of this AM, I am $500 away from owning a piece of shit car.

Transmission has been replaced once already - and now it won't go into drive after I get onto the road from the driveway.

Fucking. Shit.

Update: thank you to the all-knowing Bucky... it seems the only issue is low transmission fluid. We shall test this theory this evening.

There will be a real blog update later today, my fans.

yawn... food

2006-02-02T12:52:00.000-06:00

I don't expect all of you to understand. I mean, not unless you're a real, true fat-ass (or have been). Not talking about twiggy or pseudo-fatties either... you won't get it unless you're fat. So just skip this if you are not fat or never have been.

And, no, being a "Foodie" isn't enough to understand.

You know you're fat when you give directions based on restaurants as landmarks. "Go up to the Bennigan's, and then take a left. You'll pass 2 Pizza places, and a Mexican restaurant. I'm on the left about 4 blocks from the Subway."

Or when you judge distance by how many soft tacos you could eat on the way.

You have change in your pocket and within seconds you know how many $1 menu items you could get (+ tax) with the change you have.

Even worse, laying in bed deciding which McDonald's you're going to stop at for breakfast on the way to work. You finally decide, and then realize you left one out that's even more convenient.

Today, however, I have a dilemma that, as a fat person, makes me more ashamed than sharing with the public my jeans size.

I.am.bored.with.food.

Yep, bored. It kinda started last night. What to have for dinner - meh. My list of what I wasn't hungry for was bigger than what I was hungry for. And everything I considered I then dismissed. Finally, after getting to the restaurant, I ordered something I didn't really want - or that I didn't want any more or less than anything else.

So it's lunchtime. I realized, just now, that I neglected to even have breakfast. And it's lunch. I'm hungry-hungry-hippos here... and I've got a bevy of restaurants in range. But nothing sounds good. Nothing.

Maybe it's that fucking depressingly blah pot pie I got at Boston Market for lunch yesterday. Talk about let down. I was so craving one - and decided to go there instead of KFC (a lady at work was raving about how Boston Market's pot pie is so much better than KFC), and let me tell you, Swanson is better. Hell, store-brand generic is better. Bleh.

A.D.D. MOMENT: It's like Coldplay and U2. Coldplay is Boston Market's Pot Pie, U2 is KFC's. U2 was around first, a staple of the entertainment world. They're well known, their music is great. When you buy a u2 album you're never disappointed. Then Coldplay comes along and someone's like -"Nooo, Coldplay is the best, better than U2!" They're new, and they are younger and hipper... but they're not that different really. I mean Coldplay has some good songs and great melodies, but they're obviously ripping off some of U2's stuff. u2 will always be known for setting the standard that Coldplay will have to live up to and be compared to. Yeah. Coldplay is a Boston Market Pot Pie and U2 is a KFC Pot Pie. Stick with the sure bet - go with U2.

And for a moment, the thought came to mind that I should try to overwrite that bad pot pie memory. But it just doesn't sound good.

Nothing does.

Bored.with.food.

How did I become this?

How did this horrible thing ever happen?!

how do you spell a primal scream?

2006-02-01T22:25:00.000-06:00

I just watched the Austin American Idol auditions - I just want to SCREAM right now! I guess it wouldn't piss me off nearly to the point of a brain aneurysm if it wasn't on the tails of Las Vegas = worst fucking audition city EVER.

SCREAMMMM AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Ok, so now that that's out of my system... AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Why has God forsaken me? Why was I not good enough to even get to Randy, Paula and Simon? Whywhywhywhywhy.

I *know* I'm good. I fucking know it. And it fucking pisses me off.

I am *this* close to not watching the rest of the season. *scowl*

you may now commence with the uplifting comments. thank you.

d'american d'idol [drool]

2006-02-01T15:24:00.000-06:00

So next time someone goes "NO WAY! You auditioned for American Idol?" I can just show them the picture of me that's on the AI website.

I mean, I *can*, but I won't. I look retarded. Not just "highly functioning" either, more like "Should be wearing a helmet and a bib" retarded.

So the only proof I have also lends people to think I am missing a chromosome. blargh.