top 12 male idle americans

(this is the product that, apparently, most of the guys used to get on the show this year)

I usually save my witty analysis for later rounds, but last night’s show, along with Sassy’s recaps have motivated me to share my thoughts.

So sit, back, take a big swig of something you can shoot out your nose, and read what I think, bitches!

A NOTE TO THE AI TECHNICAL STAFF: For five years I have watched, incessantly, the show – never missing an episode. As THE #1 show on TV, could you please hire some competent fucking sound engineers? I’m sick and tired of having to adjust my 12 point surround sound system so I can hear what is being sung, then having to readjust to what is being said. If you can’t get it right, fucking outsource to India or some shit already!

Now for the recaps:

Rudy Cardenas - A.K.A. “The Schnoz” - Free Ride
I’m glad the ride was free, because I would have wanted to get a refund – or to simply have been dumped out of the car at 60 miles an hour, while going over a large bridge. This morning I am trying very hard to find anything to say about him other than it was a good thing he was first, because I could easily forget Schnoz even performed – except for the fact that you could use his nose as a billboard. Also, can someone from Wheel of Fortune buy this fucker a consonant? I mean come on; the best even PAULA could say was that he started the season off with enthusiasm. I was very enthused by the idea of a commercial break – and that’s saying something, because I Tivo this shit!

Brandon Rogers - A.K.A “BTSU (Back That Shit Up)” - Rock With You
BTSU hits the stage and revels in mediocrity. But damn he has nice eyes – they draw me in, and, for a moment, I forget completely that this is a signing competition… but then I’m back to reality and am disappointed in Brandon’s lack of support – breath support or support for singing a song that shows off any of his talent. I really like BTSU, I think he could be one of the better contestants, but his performance was flatter than I was at 12 years old.

Sundance Head - A.K.A “Sundunce” or “Duncy” - Nights In White Satin
Ok, WTF is up with the screen behind Duncy on this one? It’s like a lake of cum… but I can’t, for the life of me, figure out where the current is coming from – much less the cum. The current can’t be coming from the song – the song was originally released in 1967 – long before any of these contestants were anywhere even near a glimmer in an eye. Three things, Duncy - #1 – please button up your shirt – there are children watching. #2 – Please stop using high school show choir arm movements – we all know you were too fat and dorky to be in show choir when you were in high school; and #3 – Don’t sing if you’re not going to SING IN TUNE!

Paul Kim - A.K.A. “BareAsian” - Careless Whisper
God, have you sent this man, this barefoot man, to redeem the Asian race’s musicality? Asians, it is too late for you - abandon all hope. BareAsian’s general breath support and performance are just… YYYAWWWWWNNN, sorry - lacking. I kinda want to like Paul, but more in a “Hey, can you help me with this math and logic problem?” way. Oh and, heh - Ryan made a comment about how he could recommend a pedicurist to BareAsian – at which point I was like – “DUH, Ryan! He’s Asian – his people do nails because they have failed at singing or being stand-up-comics.”

Chris Richardson “Boing” - I Don't Wanna Be
“Yo, *bounce* motha fucka’s *bounce* I’z comin to represent mah *bounce* white peeps!” *bounce* *bounce* *bounce* *bounce**bounce*. Boing. His mannerisms remind me so much of AI Season 3’s John Patrick Flannery O’Houllihan (Jon Peter Lewis) – who, I know you don’t remember – but thanks to americanidol.com – I got a remembrance of Lewis’ Mad-Magazine Cover Boy face. Oh, ok, back to Boing’s performance – I could barely hear what this turdburglar was singing because of the incessant bouncing up and down. I think that, at one point, Boing was flashing white gang symbols with his hands – but I couldn’t tell, because the AI medical staff had already started treating him for what they thought were seizures.

Nick Pedro A.K.A “Raul” - Now And Forever
“Oh, Raul, please save me from this life of dirt and misery! I want to leave Meh-hee-koh with you and tour the world. Your singing has healed my leprosy. We shall make veintiséis babies and our love will light the way.” Will someone cast this guy in a Mexican soap opera already? Out of all the guys this season – Raul is the weakest link. Goodbye.

Blake Lewis A.K.A. “Pbbt-Pssh-Chiggity” - Somewhere Only We Know
God I want to hate this guy. I want to punch him in the throat every time he breaks into beat-box. I want to hate him – but damn if Pbbt-Pssh-Chiggity wasn’t great last night. He had a “Sting” thing going on – and didn’t beat-box, at all. His voice even reminded me a bit of old-school singers like Sinatra or Danny Kaye. Good control and overall performance. And two-thumbs up for singing a CURRENT song and wearing a sweater vest. Pbbt-Pssh-Chiggity may just be the man-to-beat this year.

Sanjaya Malakar A.K.A. “Bollywon’t” - Knocks Me Off My Feet
I missed most of Sanjaya’s performance while I listened to the painful cries of thousands of children hearing singing for the first time – and hearing it from Bollywon’t. Holy crap. If Stevie Wonder weren’t already blind – OH SHIT – can someone call Stevie and make sure he can still hear? Sadly, Sanjaya, your life may be meant for something less “vocal” like fixing my damn computer.

Chris Sligh A.K.A “PSFawg (Pretty Sligh for a White Guy)”
I don’t even remember what PSFawg sang, but I love love love this guy’s attitude, his tie and untucked shirt and his huge Whiteman ‘fro. While not the best singer in the show, he’s certainly the most entertaining. PSFawg Kinda like Season 4’s Mikalah Gordon – without the moving mole, the annoying voice and completely over-the-top attitude. Ok, so not at all like Gordon. Chirs will make it to the top 12 if for no other reason than the show needs some judge vs. contestant snarkiness. Last season was missing that, completely – it was like “The Stepford Singers”. Fuck that; bring on PSFawg – in the style of ilDivo or Teletubbies, even!

Jared Cotter A.K.A “Gay”
I forgot what Gay sang, but he has to be the biggest-eye browed contestant, ever. And oh-so-gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that). I like how they butched him up for last night’s show, though. I was almost distracted by it enough to not notice that there’s a reason none of us have seen him perform yet this season… HE SUCKS. Talk about someone who is boring and unmarketable. Put Gay, Raul and Bollywon’t in a mime troupe and you’ll have an instant Benetton commercial – and the world will be a much more aurally wonderful place.

AJ Tabaldo A.K.A. “Blue Collar” - Never Too Much
Ok, first, you are no longer in High School (at least at the age of 22 you shouldn’t be)… so put your damn collar down. By wearing your collar up you are standing for everything I hate in life. On top of that, every note you sang out of tune rolled around your squatty neck and right back toward the microphone – causing my ears to bleed. Yes, that’s right Blue Collar, you have earned my disfavor. So put your collar down next week, mmmkay – if there IS a next week for you!

Phil Stacy A.K.A. “Baby Daddah” - I Could Not Ask For More
Remember 6^th grade gym class? There was one slightly retarded kid who’d start the 50 yard dash just before the teacher would yell “Go!” and everyone would have to start over? Yeah, now you know what happened to him – he made it onto American Idol. But it’s interesting to note that once that retard got off the line, he was the best runner in the class! Baby Daddah was, by far, the best singer of the night. Now, if someone would just give him some concealer for his jacked-up-eyeholes.