that "no so fresh" feeling

So, it's been quiet here. Yeah. I've pretty much been stewing since early last week.

The last of the beginning comedy workshop sessions was last Monday, and it didn't go so well - for me. I had been super frustrated up to that point, trying to write new material. I did about 3/4 new stuff and my comments were - as follows (paraphrased, of course):

1. I'm not fat enough to tell fat jokes
2. Sadly, I may have white-girl syndrome - i.e. white girl who tells jokes but nothing really memorable or that stands out.
3. And this quote "Mentally, you're ahead of where you should be." Followed by "But don't take that in the wrong way."
and finally
4. I have a spark.

So yeah - I was taken aback by the fat thing. Yes, most of the jokes I write have been fat jokes - but I've really been trying very hard to not write so many fat jokes. They just get the laughs. But hey, so does the word "fuck" - and I have been doing better to not say that. I already knew that I had too many fat jokes - but to be told I'm not fat enough . I guess it's a compliment? So yeah.

I'm bothered that I'm not unique. I have been thinking all week about things about me that make me different. Negative characteristics - I'm lazy, I'm smart but don't apply myself, I hate people, in general. Who am I? I had thought I was the fat girl who was fun to be with - but now I have to think again.

Not sure about what 3 meant. I have been taking it as I should go back and start over and not get ahead of myself. I never asked to be an opener - I was asked, so I thought I was ready . Maybe this means I'm not ready?

I have a spark. Yes, yes, that's true. Comedy is like all I think about. I watch comedy- live and TV, I read books about comedy, I write at least an hour a day on average. All I think about is comedy. I'm kind of obsessed. So spark - well, yeah. You could say that.

I guess I just wasn't sure what to expect, and while the input was objective and critical - it wasn't very constructive on how it was presented. For a few days I thought that for the money I spent I should have gotten some constructive criticism out of the class - I just think that there were others there (granted, totally n00bs) - and they were raked over the coals - but there was at least something positive communicated to each of them. I felt as though I was just - brushed aside . Could be because the night was coming to a close quickly and we were out of time ,and I was last.

I open in Springfield this weekend. I have been second-guessing myself all week. I've decided to the gig, then throw out all my material and start over fresh after Saturday night.

So the intermediate workshop starts tomorrow. We'll see how that goes. I know I need a thicker skin, but 6 weeks of negativity may not bode well for my self esteem. I should get at least a few constructive items for my money - right?

We'll see.