bill me later.. why when you can screw me, NOW!

Bad service is bad service. Today's installment is about Bill Me Later (billmelater.com / bill-me-later.com). They seem pretty popular and in late 2008 they were acquired by eBay. Maybe they're too big now to extend some credit to lil' ol me?

The history: I have been a Bill Me Later customer since May 2007. Back then (in the day for you young unz), I had shit credit. I mean we're talking AWFUL. I’m fairly sure that a hobo, crack-whore child molester on a watch list could get a loan over me. I was pretty excited about the concept of Bill Me Later, as it didn't require a hit to my credit. My first purchase was about $400. I promptly paid it off before my 3 months no payments, no interest offer ran out.

Since then, I've increased the amount of my purchases, steadily, and then paid off my balance in full before the no payments no interest dance ended. Yes, I slowly leveled up in Bill Me Later Land and had made 4 or 5 purchases. I also managed to acquire some skill points in the credit area. Score. My largest and most recent approved purchase on Bill Me Later was in the $1600 range. All went fine, and I recently was happy to pay it all off, again, before my no payments, no interest timeframe ran out.

I should point out that outside of my Bill Me Later shopping escapades, I have cleaned up my real credit, gaining nearly 100 points, bought a house, bought 2 new cars and now have more than a few credit cards, all in GREAT standing, most with a $0 balance, and never a late payment on my bills for nearly 2 years. Except that oops on the cable bill, but that was my hubby’s fault. Seriously ladies you gotta keep your bitches in check.

Wanting to pick up an anniversary gift for my hubby before the actual anniversary date (guys, this is a free tip, really, no charge), and still anticipating my tax refund (hello, government, please give me my damn money back, ok), I decided to use my Bill Me Later account on a recent purchase at newegg.com. The total purchase amount was just below $500. So, being the fiscally responsible Bill Me Later customer I have been (this time sporting a fresh Kool-Aid red haircolor), and knowing that Bill Me Later knows me and values me – I put my purchase through.

I was declined. I was really taken aback.

OMG WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT THE FUCK? HOW WILL MY HUSBAND EVER LOVE ME WITHOUT THIS NETBOOK? I cried and screamed.

So, thinking something HAD to be wrong with the system, I called customer service at Bill Me Later. I’m fairly certain their call center is in the US as most of the representatives sounded woefully uninspiried and were probably waiting for their layoff notices. I am also sure they were celebrating something that sounded like a woman who was giving birth to three hysterical hyena cubs, anally, while standing in a wind tunnel and gargling Jell-O with chunks of ham in it. Seriously, Bill Me Later can’t be that busy, after all, they were having a damn party.

I, however, was not having such a party. But hey, this wasn’t the customer service person’s fault. So I put on my happy voice and tried to find out from the rep why my purchase was declined. You know what? Trying to get a straight answer from a Bill Me Later customer service representative is like asking a Magic-8 ball what color Tara Reid’s dealer’s car is. They only have 8 programmed answers, none of which helped.

Then the customer service person said “It’s the economy.”

Fuck me? Something is wrong with the economy? Really. Holy god. But… more on that later. Fucking trickle-down bullshit.

At that point, I knew this was an exercise in futility. Much like me going to overeaters anonymous. I mean nothing makes me more hungry than talking about food with other fat people. Oops. I digress..

So, figuring that maybe answer #3 the rep gave me was true, maybe I tried to get too much money approved, I then put the purchase back through for a bit less than $400 and was again declined.

Let me be honest here. I love America, apple pie (mmm apple pie), freedom, the end of slavery, climate change, capitalism – and I believe businesses should be able to do whatever they want as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone, abuse children or cause diverticulitis. And, because I love this amazing country and freedom and choice and all that comes with being a a free society, Bill Me Later has the right to decline a transaction or to decline issuing me credit for any reason. I mean maybe they were just having a shitty day because they found out that they have cancer and that their spouse is having sex with Google Checkout (and, by the way, I heard Google Checkout has herpes).

But this is TERRIBLE service. This is a horrible way to treat a customer. I mean at least give me an actual reason I’d be declined. I have been a good, no, GREAT customer. I have told others about their great product and Bill Me Later helped me when I had no other options. But let’s be real here: I’m awesome. They should WANT me as a customer, cause they know they’re going to get paid. I'm not sitting in my house while the foreclosure notices roll in just waiting for my government bailout because I was too fucking stupid to read the fine print on a contract for an amount that is, quite obviously, more than I will make in the next 50 years of my life as a janitor. I'm not filing banktruptcy to clean up my credit. And I'm not waiting for this country to become more of a welfare state so I can sit on my 300 pound ass and let those who are smarter than me, with more common sense and more ambition than I could ever muster bail my ass out - all while calling them "rich".

Oh yeah, Bill Me Later - They are making money hand over fist, as they should be, but not treating their customers with respect or valuing their business is a HUGE mistake. And, hello, obviously Bill Me Later has never had a puppy or they’d know that positive reinforcement is the best way to avoid accidents.

Bill Me Later, maybe you need a puppy.

I distinctly remember in the past seeing something about building up a reputation with Bill Me Later, which influences your purchase ability. Maybe that got taken away by eBay. I dunno, it’s just shitty. And it makes me upset. Both make my hemorrhoids flare up.

While I can't prove it (though I can prove that Google Checkout causes stillbirths), I have this feeling I’m being declined because over the past 2 years of being a customer, they’ve not been able to milk my average-sized teets for even a penny of interest. I mean come on, 19.99% interest is a great motivator to pay that shit off. I wish I’d have had that much interest in me during high school and I may not have been the naive woman I was on my wedding day. Just sayin.

I think the vendors who use Bill Me Later should be made aware of the negative decisions that impact their business. Potentially good customers of your sites are being turned down.

While deep down I know it wasn’t any vendor’s decision that caused my purchase to be declined, the negative taste left in my mouth from this Bill Me Later experience has resulted in me seeking out the product I would have purchased from newegg.com at another vendor, simply because the other vendor does not have a relationship with Bill Me Later.

I type all of this to say: Bill Me Later, I hate you. I hate you and your stupid face. I hate that you have shown me, once again, that being a loyal customer is only ignored. Thank you for renewing my faith in Visa, MasterCard and Discover – all of whom will make more money from me than you will (oh, and I get points from them too, so eat that, douchenozzles). And it’s a shame, cause I’m fucking loaded!