Enterprise Rent-A-Car "We'll Fuck You Up!"

The bad part about traveling by train to Chicago is that if you want to do anything outside of the immediate area of your hotel, you have to rent a car. Renting said car is expensive, to say the least – not to mention the ridiculous gas prices in a big city.

So, Becky and I are in Chicago (yes, the same trip as the "burn curse" entry before this one) and I have a second interview in Woodridge [read: West suburbs] and had to rent a car.

So, B and I are staying in the Hyatt Regency, and there’s supposedly an Enterprise Rent-A-Car on-site. So the night before I needed the car, I call Enterprise, and apparently the on-site location has been closed – as of that day. Suck.

We needed the car the next AM so I could get to the burbs by mid-AM. It also happens to be the day we’re leaving Chicago to go back to Springfield. So the plan is to:
1. Check out of hotel in the AM
2. Load up into a cab
3. Take cab to Enterprise location
4. Load up rental car
5. Do interview
6. Drive back, return rental car
7. Take cab to Union Station
8. Get on train back to Springfield

The plan seemed good enough. I mean what could go wrong/? I could never, EVER imagine what happened next.

So steps 1-3 went ok enough – save that there was something going on near the hotel that had like 235723 tour and school buses everywhere. IT took like 20 mins to go 8 blocks.

Finally, we get to Enterprise (on Lake St.) – we pull up front, and unload the cab. We tip the cab driver for not killing us on the way there.

I go inside and proceed to get the paperwork going for my rental. There are about 5 employees in the location, and I notice that the young agent is looking out the front window and talking to another employee. There’s a truck/van thing with flashing lights in front of the location.

Young agent sarcastically to to lady agent: “Well, that’s gonna be good for business.”

Both agents walk away and go out into the garage.

Perky brunette agent is still getting my car info ready – checking my license, etc.

I see the two agents looking around through the garage exit at the street/front of the store. They pace a bit, talk and then come back into the store where they then get another guy and are talking, behind the counter.

Lady agent “Well, someone’s going to have to say something…”
Young agent “I guess I can, what should I say?”
Lady agent “Just ask [something something] move. [something something] few minutes, [something something] police.”

It's at this point that I realize they are talking about B and our bags. They thought she was a homeless person out there with a set of luggage and nice bags - just stopping to live on their sidewalk.

See, after we got out of the cab, I asked B to wait outside with our bags (they were heavy to carry) until I get the car and then we’ll load it up. It was a nice, cool morning, and when I got the car, we have to drive out of the garage. Seems logical to just wait there.

Perky Brunette agent hands my paperwork to me, asks me to sign. And then asks if I need anything else. And I say…

“I hope you’re not going to go out there and say something incredibly stupid to my friend who’s waiting with my bags.”

You could have heard a pin drop.

Seriously, crickets.

Perky Brunette – who was truly oblivious to what was going on - said to the other agents “You didn’t say anything to that lady did you?”

To which I reply –“No, but *I* heard everything they were saying about her.”

So then Young Agent and other guy agent start stumbling to apologize. Saying things like “Why didn’t you guys come in, it’s air conditioned in here?” etc. Ridiculous.

Guy agent then says – why don’t I go and help her put your things in the car? Good idea, shitchowder.

After we’re done with the car, we returned it and they asked how my experience was. I told them all was great except thinking my best friend was a homeless person. They apparently heard all about it, apologized again. The guy behind the counter actually says to me “Well those things happen.” What? Huh? Other girl at the location says “No, it doesn’t, and it’s been dealt with.”

Dealt with… hummm.

the homeless curse

Becky and I recently took a trip to Chicago. We had a number of "experiences" and I want to make sure I document these, for posterity.

The lead up: B & I did some shopping on State St. I got a fabulous pair of brown linen pants (which I still have not worn) and a couple e of t-shirts from Avenue.

On the way back to our hotel, we stopped at McDonald's for a refreshing beverage and a thing of hot fries with 0 trans fat. We were kicking back for a bit, people watching, when a kid came in, probably 12 or so - with some flyers. He was asking for money for the local youth center's programs [read: drug money for his daddy]... and so B & I dug out all the change we had and gave it to the kid. I think it was like $4 worth.

Quasi-fast-forward 5 minutes. We're on the way out of McD's, and a homeless guy comes in. He stops to ask us to spare him some change [read: enough for his next fix], and I smile and say - we just gave our last bit of cash to that kid. I point to the kid as he's sitting in the McD's counting the change we gave him [read: waiting for us to leave so he can buy hisself some foods] and I laugh.

I laugh because it's funny that one bum missed out because someone else got to us first.

We proceed to leave the McD's, going through the first set of doors - leaving just one to freedom and I comment to B that as a comic I found that whole thing hilarious. I muse that I wonder if Bum Fights started because one bum was like 30 seconds later on asking for the money than the first bum.

Unbeknownst to me, homeless guy is behind us, also leaving McD's. He then shouts at me for laughing! And then he says -

"You could end up just like me and then you wouldn't be laughing."

And then - then he says:

"I hope your house burns down!"

Seriously, the bum cursed me. I was cursed by a bum.

A number of witty retorts came to mind... including:
"I have good insurance"
"I don't own a home"
And my hindsight favorite:
"If I were you, I'd use your powers to better your own situation."

But all that came out of my mouth at that times was “Oh fuck you, I was laughing about the situation not the fact that you are homeless."

So yes, we were cursed by a bum.

the big three-ohhhh

In less than a month I will turn 30. Three-zero. "Flirty-Thirty". I think this is where I emotional breakdown , right? I mean this is the point in my life where I realize I'm not "young" anymore. I'm just as far from 40 as I am from 20.

Yikes.

Ok, so it's not the end of the world, turning 30, but it sure makes you look at your life in a different way - at least *ME* looking at *MY* life in a different way.

I used to think 30 was old. Now, I think - I'm pretty cool for 30. I'm pretty cool, in general, but for 30 - I'm cool.

But I'm going to be thurrrrr-teeeee. And, honestly, in general, I'm unhappy.

Shouldn't I have found the key to happiness by now? Shouldn't I know what I want out of life? But I'm just as confused now as I was at 18 or 21 or 26.... maybe even moreso now - almost 30.

I don't have kids - that's the biggest thing nagging me, really. My mom had me when she was 16, so you can imagine how my mind spins when I think about being a mother for the first time when I'm over 30. But I can't have kids... and I was pretty ok with it up until now. But now the reality just makes me really sad. Really very sad.

And what the hell is wrong with me that I can't find a job that I like? Actually, I think I had that job about 3 years ago, but I fucked it up. I just can't seem to find somewhere to fit in - career-wise. Maybe the missing pieces is not having my degree - but come on - 30+ years old and just getting my bachelors? It seems like a waste of time and money at this point. And if I can't hold a job or find somewhere to fit, what good's a degree? Frankly, career-wise, I am feeling pretty miserable. But the thought of changing jobs *AGAIN* is just not realistic. Maybe I really don't have anything to offer to an employer. Scary to think I could be jumping from job to job for the next 12+ years just like I have the last 12. And I feel helpless to fix it. I can't fix it if I don't know what's wrong. And frankly, I just don't think there's hope to fix it.

30 years old - shouldn't I finally be rewarded for working hard? Even if I hate what I'm doing and who I'm doing it with/for? Shouldn't I get SOMETHING positive out of it?

Of course, that leads to feeling financially retarded. At 30 shouldn't I have a nest-egg? I should be investing in my 401k, right? I don't even understand the paperwork (I blame that on being bad at math). How many more years will I live check-to-check? I opened a savings account - which now has a whopping $400 in it. My credit score is half of my monthly car payments... and I feel helpless to fix it. I'm tired of trying and watching everything I do credit-wise.

I should have figured out relationships by now, surely! At 30, I should have a big group of close friends - but really, I find that relationships just make me feel tired. Ok - tired and inadequate. I've been pretty extroverted and outgoing all my life - but over the past few months, I've started dreading being around people. Even those I love and care about. I just want to be alone more often than not.

And my goals - I've not achieved any of them. I can't even tell you what they were 10 years ago. I just know that I haven't accomplished much. I don't even have any good stories to tell.

I guess you could look at all of this and chalk it up to being depressed or something - but when it comes right down to it - I'm 30 with nothing to show for it. I'm 30 with no accomplishments, no recognition - and worse yet, no feelings that I'm anything other than a fat girl warming an office chair, living check-to-check, with very few healthy relationships.

And a whole gaggle of apathy.

Yeah.. 30. *sigh*

Fuck.

top 12 male idle americans

(this is the product that, apparently, most of the guys used to get on the show this year)

I usually save my witty analysis for later rounds, but last night’s show, along with Sassy’s recaps have motivated me to share my thoughts.

So sit, back, take a big swig of something you can shoot out your nose, and read what I think, bitches!

A NOTE TO THE AI TECHNICAL STAFF: For five years I have watched, incessantly, the show – never missing an episode. As THE #1 show on TV, could you please hire some competent fucking sound engineers? I’m sick and tired of having to adjust my 12 point surround sound system so I can hear what is being sung, then having to readjust to what is being said. If you can’t get it right, fucking outsource to India or some shit already!

Now for the recaps:

Rudy Cardenas - A.K.A. “The Schnoz” - Free Ride
I’m glad the ride was free, because I would have wanted to get a refund – or to simply have been dumped out of the car at 60 miles an hour, while going over a large bridge. This morning I am trying very hard to find anything to say about him other than it was a good thing he was first, because I could easily forget Schnoz even performed – except for the fact that you could use his nose as a billboard. Also, can someone from Wheel of Fortune buy this fucker a consonant? I mean come on; the best even PAULA could say was that he started the season off with enthusiasm. I was very enthused by the idea of a commercial break – and that’s saying something, because I Tivo this shit!

Brandon Rogers - A.K.A “BTSU (Back That Shit Up)” - Rock With You
BTSU hits the stage and revels in mediocrity. But damn he has nice eyes – they draw me in, and, for a moment, I forget completely that this is a signing competition… but then I’m back to reality and am disappointed in Brandon’s lack of support – breath support or support for singing a song that shows off any of his talent. I really like BTSU, I think he could be one of the better contestants, but his performance was flatter than I was at 12 years old.

Sundance Head - A.K.A “Sundunce” or “Duncy” - Nights In White Satin
Ok, WTF is up with the screen behind Duncy on this one? It’s like a lake of cum… but I can’t, for the life of me, figure out where the current is coming from – much less the cum. The current can’t be coming from the song – the song was originally released in 1967 – long before any of these contestants were anywhere even near a glimmer in an eye. Three things, Duncy - #1 – please button up your shirt – there are children watching. #2 – Please stop using high school show choir arm movements – we all know you were too fat and dorky to be in show choir when you were in high school; and #3 – Don’t sing if you’re not going to SING IN TUNE!

Paul Kim - A.K.A. “BareAsian” - Careless Whisper
God, have you sent this man, this barefoot man, to redeem the Asian race’s musicality? Asians, it is too late for you - abandon all hope. BareAsian’s general breath support and performance are just… YYYAWWWWWNNN, sorry - lacking. I kinda want to like Paul, but more in a “Hey, can you help me with this math and logic problem?” way. Oh and, heh - Ryan made a comment about how he could recommend a pedicurist to BareAsian – at which point I was like – “DUH, Ryan! He’s Asian – his people do nails because they have failed at singing or being stand-up-comics.”

Chris Richardson “Boing” - I Don't Wanna Be
“Yo, *bounce* motha fucka’s *bounce* I’z comin to represent mah *bounce* white peeps!” *bounce* *bounce* *bounce* *bounce**bounce*. Boing. His mannerisms remind me so much of AI Season 3’s John Patrick Flannery O’Houllihan (Jon Peter Lewis) – who, I know you don’t remember – but thanks to americanidol.com – I got a remembrance of Lewis’ Mad-Magazine Cover Boy face. Oh, ok, back to Boing’s performance – I could barely hear what this turdburglar was singing because of the incessant bouncing up and down. I think that, at one point, Boing was flashing white gang symbols with his hands – but I couldn’t tell, because the AI medical staff had already started treating him for what they thought were seizures.

Nick Pedro A.K.A “Raul” - Now And Forever
“Oh, Raul, please save me from this life of dirt and misery! I want to leave Meh-hee-koh with you and tour the world. Your singing has healed my leprosy. We shall make veintiséis babies and our love will light the way.” Will someone cast this guy in a Mexican soap opera already? Out of all the guys this season – Raul is the weakest link. Goodbye.

Blake Lewis A.K.A. “Pbbt-Pssh-Chiggity” - Somewhere Only We Know
God I want to hate this guy. I want to punch him in the throat every time he breaks into beat-box. I want to hate him – but damn if Pbbt-Pssh-Chiggity wasn’t great last night. He had a “Sting” thing going on – and didn’t beat-box, at all. His voice even reminded me a bit of old-school singers like Sinatra or Danny Kaye. Good control and overall performance. And two-thumbs up for singing a CURRENT song and wearing a sweater vest. Pbbt-Pssh-Chiggity may just be the man-to-beat this year.

Sanjaya Malakar A.K.A. “Bollywon’t” - Knocks Me Off My Feet
I missed most of Sanjaya’s performance while I listened to the painful cries of thousands of children hearing singing for the first time – and hearing it from Bollywon’t. Holy crap. If Stevie Wonder weren’t already blind – OH SHIT – can someone call Stevie and make sure he can still hear? Sadly, Sanjaya, your life may be meant for something less “vocal” like fixing my damn computer.

Chris Sligh A.K.A “PSFawg (Pretty Sligh for a White Guy)”
I don’t even remember what PSFawg sang, but I love love love this guy’s attitude, his tie and untucked shirt and his huge Whiteman ‘fro. While not the best singer in the show, he’s certainly the most entertaining. PSFawg Kinda like Season 4’s Mikalah Gordon – without the moving mole, the annoying voice and completely over-the-top attitude. Ok, so not at all like Gordon. Chirs will make it to the top 12 if for no other reason than the show needs some judge vs. contestant snarkiness. Last season was missing that, completely – it was like “The Stepford Singers”. Fuck that; bring on PSFawg – in the style of ilDivo or Teletubbies, even!

Jared Cotter A.K.A “Gay”
I forgot what Gay sang, but he has to be the biggest-eye browed contestant, ever. And oh-so-gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that). I like how they butched him up for last night’s show, though. I was almost distracted by it enough to not notice that there’s a reason none of us have seen him perform yet this season… HE SUCKS. Talk about someone who is boring and unmarketable. Put Gay, Raul and Bollywon’t in a mime troupe and you’ll have an instant Benetton commercial – and the world will be a much more aurally wonderful place.

AJ Tabaldo A.K.A. “Blue Collar” - Never Too Much
Ok, first, you are no longer in High School (at least at the age of 22 you shouldn’t be)… so put your damn collar down. By wearing your collar up you are standing for everything I hate in life. On top of that, every note you sang out of tune rolled around your squatty neck and right back toward the microphone – causing my ears to bleed. Yes, that’s right Blue Collar, you have earned my disfavor. So put your collar down next week, mmmkay – if there IS a next week for you!

Phil Stacy A.K.A. “Baby Daddah” - I Could Not Ask For More
Remember 6^th grade gym class? There was one slightly retarded kid who’d start the 50 yard dash just before the teacher would yell “Go!” and everyone would have to start over? Yeah, now you know what happened to him – he made it onto American Idol. But it’s interesting to note that once that retard got off the line, he was the best runner in the class! Baby Daddah was, by far, the best singer of the night. Now, if someone would just give him some concealer for his jacked-up-eyeholes.

they like me, they really like me...

Last night's open mic went on as planned, even though it was one day after "BLEEEEZZZAAARDDDD '07". BreakTime remains the toughest room I've ever been in, but 4 comics showed up, ponied up their $5 and I took them all down!

Yes, I won. I am a winner.

BWAHHAHAHAHHA. I promptly spent my $20 on yarn. I've started to knit. 2 months from my 30th, I'm knitting.

It's too late for me - save yourself.