i hate the world today

Ugh! Have you ever woken up and just had this feeling that your day was going to suck? Yeah, that is me, today.

Maybe it’s because it’s overcast and chilly… maybe it’s because I am disappointed about getting my hopes up yesterday... maybe it’s because I’m tired… maybe it’s because I’m realizing that I’m, well, nothing. Though, it could be a completely different reason.

I miss Texas today. I miss my friends there. I miss the familiarity. I miss my dog, my house, my stuff, my husband. I miss the opportunities a BIG city can give.

Yesterday I decided, against my own best judgment, to audition for Joseph…Dreamcoat here in Springfield. I don’t want to go into tons of details – but for about 6 years of my life (about 10 years ago, now), musical theatre was my life. I was good at it – even being paid. After I got married/moved to Texas, I kind of stopped doing shows. Hubby and I tried out for a few things – and in my 8 years in Texas, I did 2 shows – in both I was a chorus member. My last audition in Texas, for Seussical with a theatre group in Denton, and had a traumatic experience (short version: I got a callback and then completely forgotten about at callbacks).

I decided to audition to get to spend more time with my friends, to meet new people, and to possibly rekindle the passion I once had for theatre. I was totally ok with being in the chorus – after all Joseph doesn’t have many women roles (1 lead, many chorus)… and I wasn’t, at that point, being unrealistic in thinking I had a good shot at getting in.

First off, I have to say that the auditions were very organized. From registering to how they handled the dance/voice auditions – I was impressed. Things went fairly quickly. Simple enough: if your number was on the callback list, you needed to be back at 4p. I got a callback!

For those of you who know me outside of this blog, you know that I have some pretty serious self-esteem issues – but I have to say – that I totally held my own in the vocal auditions. I would even venture to say that I was tied with the girl I’d say was first – if you were to score it that way.

I got tons of compliments – and I started to think – “WOW! I really could get the lead!” So, callbacks – 4pm. We sat through all 25 kids who danced in groups of 5 and then sang, individually. Then the 15 called back ladies were asked to sing the first verse of “Jacob and Sons”. The guys were to sing the first part of “Close Every Door”. So the ladies lined up, and one by one, we all took center stage and sang the same 14 measures… some of them belting that “E” as if it were the only note that has ever mattered in their lives, some barely hitting it, and some of us doing well.

Out of the 15 or so called back women, about 6 of us did well. Again, my ego steps in to say that I think, vocally, I was the best.

Then they kept 5 ladies – a varied group - from a young girl (who had an amazing voice), to one of the local stars-in-residence. They looked at those 5, and then had them stay for another dance audition.

I suck at dancing, so if that was the deciding factor *sigh* no wonder I wasn’t good enough. I’m never good enough.

And comedy – don’t get me started. Another open mic this week – which will probably be the only show I have for a while.

It just sucks that I’ll never be anything other than the fat girl who can sing well. Or the wannabe comic who is only seen as marginally good because she’s a girl.

I just want to be really good at something. And I want people to see it – to notice it. I am tired of being unnoticed. I’m tired of being seen only for my size.

I should just give up. Realize that the stage isn’t for me – I’m destined to warm a chair behind my desk – doing things behind-the-scenes for stars and bands and big deals – all the while being sad because I’ll never amount to anything of any type of measure.

So, I’m sitting here, at my desk – drinking my venti double-pump white chocolate mocha with one pump of peppermint and daydreaming out my window – wondering if I’ll ever be someone or something.