Tuesday, August 21, 2007

why you hate childrens

I have two black garbage cans - the tote kind with a handle and wheels. They sit outside my garage, just in front of it, and wait to be filled with my filth and excess stuff.

More than a few handfuls of time over the past few weeks, I've come home to find my trash cans strewn about my driveway. Sometimes in odd positions (doggy style, for example), and sometimes knocked over (thankfully not knocked up). They've been empty, as they have been replaced with the city's snazzy blue cart for filth - but still, my trash cans lay about.

It's been raining a lot here (and you have no idea how hard it is to find somewhere to park and Ark at PF Chang's). And I briefly considered the rain or water had been moving them or knocking them over, or some combination of both. I realized this was crazy, as I neither live on a hill or in a river's current. But on clear days, the same thing happened. What could be going on?

By an act of what I could only call God shining down upon me, I got to work from home for an entire day. A day of lounging about in my pajamas, throwing the ball for the dog, while hitting a few keyboard buttons. True bliss, I tell you.

It also occurred that on this righteous day of aforementioned God-shining, that this may be the chance for me to catch the aliens who were abducting and quite obviously sexually molesting my trash cans (I knew at the least they were anal probed, as one of the can's wheels is slightly askew). And even more ideal - my home office faces the front of the house - where I can see the entire driveway and even the trash cans, if I were so inclined to get up out of my chair.

But like any smart aliens, they would not be tricked... they must have sensed my presence - or smelled my lunch of a fried egg sammich - so the day went on as usual - nothing of note and no sign of E.T.

At 3:45, I spotted the spaceship coming up the driveway - actually 2 of them. They weren't like I had expected - they had 2 spoked wheels and looked a lot like bicycles. And the aliens, must to my disappointment, looked a lot like pre-teen boys.

I hung up the phone to the FBI so as not to seem like an idiot.

And there it was - the cause of my trash can disruption - 2 boys, on bikes, running into my trash cans. Yes, running into them. They'd hit them then try to avoid them and run into them again.

They weren't even wearing helmets! The horror!

I watched as they did this 3 or 4 times - riding up and down the street and into my driveway - into my trash cans.

Then I got out the camcorder. I don't know how to use it yet, but I just wanted a prop, really. That's what I needed, a good prop.

The next time they came through, I opened the blinds a bit and the window and yelled "Stay the hell out of my driveway or I'll call the cops."

I could tell that wasn't effective, as they laughed and laughed as they rode away. Normally I wouldn't mind being laughed at, but those little shits... Mike was on the phone and had a good laugh.... I hung up and sat back down to "work".

A few minutes came and went and they came back! This time I pulled the blinds up with force and yelled, "HEY!" Holding the camcorder, I pointed it at them and said - "Come back again and I'll fucking give this video to the cops. " Then I sat a webcam on the windowsill (it wasn't hooked up, but the shock factor was awesome.

I heard one kid say "Oh crap!" and they rode home and proceeded to talk in the driveway about the mean lady down the street who has video of them in her driveway.


And the webcam still sits right there on the windowsill.
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Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Today I meet my new PCP. Yay! :( I hate doctors. HATE. It'll just be more of "You're fat, lose weight." "You need to take less insulin." All things I know, of course, with no plan on how to fix it.

2 questions today for new doc:
1. What is your stance on weight-loss surgery - specific to me and my medical issues.
2. What is your take on hypnosis for weight loss?

I am going to a hypnotherapist on Thursday. My appointment is as 6:00 and it's a free consultation - to talk about my goals, ask questions and to find out, indeed, if I can be hypnotized. I have my reservations, of course.

Here's where I'm going. Good testimonials for weight loss.

I'm at the point where I'm ready to do crazy/non-traditional/drastic things to lose weight.

I'm also applying for season 2 of Big Medicine.
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Friday, August 03, 2007

eat me

So last night I'm IM'ing with a friend of mine, who happens to be vegetarian. She was telling me about this soup she made.

I, in turn, tell her about this awesome bacon from this place in Missouri.

She then goes on a 153 line rant about how gross meat is.

"Ewwwww, I mean - gag. I just can't... Those animals, those poor animals. The thought just makes me want to puke." blah, blah fucking blah.

You know what? I didn't go on and on about your eating of vegetables - so lay the fuck off about my carnivorous nature.

"Oh my god! Lentils in tomato broth? Fucking nasty! And Lima beans? Holy fuck, that's gross! I mean just think about how they spread feces all over that field and those plants just lay there, below all that shit. Gross. Ack. It seriously makes me want to heave."

God that's annoying. Fuck! I mean, in those moments, I just want to kick the living shit out of you. So fuck you, vegetarians. Fuck you and your pretentious judgment of my meat-eating. Besides you eating no meat leaves more meat for me.

At least when I describe what I have for dinner it doesn't boil down to beans, beans an beans. Ha!

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Wednesday, August 01, 2007

but i don't wanna!!!

Listen, I'm 30-years-old... and I don't want set up your meetings or type up your meeting notes. I want to do my job. The job I was hired to do. I want to make cool web things. I want to build neat internet projects.

Occasionally I want to spend some time reading blogs and trying out new technology. I want to blog about how I'm feeling so I don't take it out on anyone important. I want a sense of completion every now and then.

I want to contribute ideas and change the way people think about our products and what we do - and I want to use technology to do it in creative, exciting ways.

You know, the things we talked about in my interview and during my first week here? Yeah, those things.

But I really, really don't want to be an administrative assistant. I'm too far along in my career to take a step back like that. It hurts my pride... it damages my self-worth. Both of which are in short supply.

Don't get me wrong - had you said early on that part of my duties would be to do secretarial things, I may understand how it has become a big chunk of my day. But the fact is that I'm an Internet guru - a web marketing mogul, of sorts - and I don't want to be a secretary. I'm not good at that stuff. Well, ok, I am but that's not my point.


I typed up your meeting notes and they're in your in-box.

I want ice cream. And a pedicure.
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