Monday, July 30, 2007

my biggest mistake

How did it come to this? My biggest mistake was letting myself get to this point. This is my fault. I have brought this upon myself.

Very soon reality will hit - the same reality that has hit others in my family...

My body will just stop accepting the insulin I am taking. My kidneys will fail. That's if I don't have a heart attack or stroke first. In the short term, my eyes will get even blurrier than they already are. I won't be able to take care of myself - simple things like going to the bathroom are starting to get difficult.

I'm already to the point where it's painful. I hurt, everywhere, every day. It hurts to sit up for more than a few hours at a time.

And this love of food. I can't ignore it. I can't turn it off. I can't stop it.

I believe it will stop me before I figure out how to stop it.
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Monday, July 23, 2007

HWJD? (how would jesus drive)

Every time someone cuts me off in traffic or on the way to the Taco Bell drive thru - they have a barrage of Jesus bumper stickers...

"God's Gift On Earth"
[picture of a church]
"Assembly Required"

"Jesus is the reason for EVERY season."

And Jesus probably wouldn't have been so showy - I mean really - an Oldsmobile Achieva with spinners? Son of God seems more like a Kia Spectra guy. Good warranty and all.

SRSLY - if you want to drive like an asshole, don't put Jesus stickers on your car. I'm sure Jesus would have yieled to the right-of-way drivers - even if that wouldhave meant waiting 42 more seconds for that chalupa.

And yeah, I think Jesus would have made a run for the border. Jesus seems like a spicy chicken chalupa guy to me.
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barren and bitchy

I find it somewhat unfair that Nicole Richie is pregnant and I am barren.


But hey, at least now she'll be eating for one.

She's a marvel of modern medicine...with as gaping as that vagina is, you would think gravity would have won.
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Monday, July 02, 2007

Enterprise Rent-A-Car "We'll Fuck You Up!"

The bad part about traveling by train to Chicago is that if you want to do anything outside of the immediate area of your hotel, you have to rent a car. Renting said car is expensive, to say the least – not to mention the ridiculous gas prices in a big city.

So, Becky and I are in Chicago (yes, the same trip as the "burn curse" entry before this one) and I have a second interview in Woodridge [read: West suburbs] and had to rent a car.

So, B and I are staying in the Hyatt Regency, and there’s supposedly an Enterprise Rent-A-Car on-site. So the night before I needed the car, I call Enterprise, and apparently the on-site location has been closed – as of that day. Suck.

We needed the car the next AM so I could get to the burbs by mid-AM. It also happens to be the day we’re leaving Chicago to go back to Springfield. So the plan is to:
1. Check out of hotel in the AM
2. Load up into a cab
3. Take cab to Enterprise location
4. Load up rental car
5. Do interview
6. Drive back, return rental car
7. Take cab to Union Station
8. Get on train back to Springfield

The plan seemed good enough. I mean what could go wrong/? I could never, EVER imagine what happened next.

So steps 1-3 went ok enough – save that there was something going on near the hotel that had like 235723 tour and school buses everywhere. IT took like 20 mins to go 8 blocks.

Finally, we get to Enterprise (on Lake St.) – we pull up front, and unload the cab. We tip the cab driver for not killing us on the way there.

I go inside and proceed to get the paperwork going for my rental. There are about 5 employees in the location, and I notice that the young agent is looking out the front window and talking to another employee. There’s a truck/van thing with flashing lights in front of the location.

Young agent sarcastically to to lady agent: “Well, that’s gonna be good for business.”

Both agents walk away and go out into the garage.

Perky brunette agent is still getting my car info ready – checking my license, etc.

I see the two agents looking around through the garage exit at the street/front of the store. They pace a bit, talk and then come back into the store where they then get another guy and are talking, behind the counter.

Lady agent “Well, someone’s going to have to say something…”
Young agent “I guess I can, what should I say?”
Lady agent “Just ask [something something] move. [something something] few minutes, [something something] police.”

It's at this point that I realize they are talking about B and our bags. They thought she was a homeless person out there with a set of luggage and nice bags - just stopping to live on their sidewalk.

See, after we got out of the cab, I asked B to wait outside with our bags (they were heavy to carry) until I get the car and then we’ll load it up. It was a nice, cool morning, and when I got the car, we have to drive out of the garage. Seems logical to just wait there.

Perky Brunette agent hands my paperwork to me, asks me to sign. And then asks if I need anything else. And I say…

“I hope you’re not going to go out there and say something incredibly stupid to my friend who’s waiting with my bags.”

You could have heard a pin drop.

Seriously, crickets.

Perky Brunette – who was truly oblivious to what was going on - said to the other agents “You didn’t say anything to that lady did you?”

To which I reply –“No, but *I* heard everything they were saying about her.”

So then Young Agent and other guy agent start stumbling to apologize. Saying things like “Why didn’t you guys come in, it’s air conditioned in here?” etc. Ridiculous.

Guy agent then says – why don’t I go and help her put your things in the car? Good idea, shitchowder.

After we’re done with the car, we returned it and they asked how my experience was. I told them all was great except thinking my best friend was a homeless person. They apparently heard all about it, apologized again. The guy behind the counter actually says to me “Well those things happen.” What? Huh? Other girl at the location says “No, it doesn’t, and it’s been dealt with.”

Dealt with… hummm.
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the homeless curse

Becky and I recently took a trip to Chicago. We had a number of "experiences" and I want to make sure I document these, for posterity.

The lead up: B & I did some shopping on State St. I got a fabulous pair of brown linen pants (which I still have not worn) and a couple e of t-shirts from Avenue.

On the way back to our hotel, we stopped at McDonald's for a refreshing beverage and a thing of hot fries with 0 trans fat. We were kicking back for a bit, people watching, when a kid came in, probably 12 or so - with some flyers. He was asking for money for the local youth center's programs [read: drug money for his daddy]... and so B & I dug out all the change we had and gave it to the kid. I think it was like $4 worth.

Quasi-fast-forward 5 minutes. We're on the way out of McD's, and a homeless guy comes in. He stops to ask us to spare him some change [read: enough for his next fix], and I smile and say - we just gave our last bit of cash to that kid. I point to the kid as he's sitting in the McD's counting the change we gave him [read: waiting for us to leave so he can buy hisself some foods] and I laugh.

I laugh because it's funny that one bum missed out because someone else got to us first.

We proceed to leave the McD's, going through the first set of doors - leaving just one to freedom and I comment to B that as a comic I found that whole thing hilarious. I muse that I wonder if Bum Fights started because one bum was like 30 seconds later on asking for the money than the first bum.

Unbeknownst to me, homeless guy is behind us, also leaving McD's. He then shouts at me for laughing! And then he says -

"You could end up just like me and then you wouldn't be laughing."

And then - then he says:

"I hope your house burns down!"

Seriously, the bum cursed me. I was cursed by a bum.

A number of witty retorts came to mind... including:
"I have good insurance"
"I don't own a home"
And my hindsight favorite:
"If I were you, I'd use your powers to better your own situation."

But all that came out of my mouth at that times was “Oh fuck you, I was laughing about the situation not the fact that you are homeless."

So yes, we were cursed by a bum.
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