Tuesday, March 27, 2007

the big three-ohhhh

In less than a month I will turn 30. Three-zero. "Flirty-Thirty". I think this is where I emotional breakdown , right? I mean this is the point in my life where I realize I'm not "young" anymore. I'm just as far from 40 as I am from 20.


Ok, so it's not the end of the world, turning 30, but it sure makes you look at your life in a different way - at least *ME* looking at *MY* life in a different way.

I used to think 30 was old. Now, I think - I'm pretty cool for 30. I'm pretty cool, in general, but for 30 - I'm cool.

But I'm going to be thurrrrr-teeeee. And, honestly, in general, I'm unhappy.

Shouldn't I have found the key to happiness by now? Shouldn't I know what I want out of life? But I'm just as confused now as I was at 18 or 21 or 26.... maybe even moreso now - almost 30.

I don't have kids - that's the biggest thing nagging me, really. My mom had me when she was 16, so you can imagine how my mind spins when I think about being a mother for the first time when I'm over 30. But I can't have kids... and I was pretty ok with it up until now. But now the reality just makes me really sad. Really very sad.

And what the hell is wrong with me that I can't find a job that I like? Actually, I think I had that job about 3 years ago, but I fucked it up. I just can't seem to find somewhere to fit in - career-wise. Maybe the missing pieces is not having my degree - but come on - 30+ years old and just getting my bachelors? It seems like a waste of time and money at this point. And if I can't hold a job or find somewhere to fit, what good's a degree? Frankly, career-wise, I am feeling pretty miserable. But the thought of changing jobs *AGAIN* is just not realistic. Maybe I really don't have anything to offer to an employer. Scary to think I could be jumping from job to job for the next 12+ years just like I have the last 12. And I feel helpless to fix it. I can't fix it if I don't know what's wrong. And frankly, I just don't think there's hope to fix it.

30 years old - shouldn't I finally be rewarded for working hard? Even if I hate what I'm doing and who I'm doing it with/for? Shouldn't I get SOMETHING positive out of it?

Of course, that leads to feeling financially retarded. At 30 shouldn't I have a nest-egg? I should be investing in my 401k, right? I don't even understand the paperwork (I blame that on being bad at math). How many more years will I live check-to-check? I opened a savings account - which now has a whopping $400 in it. My credit score is half of my monthly car payments... and I feel helpless to fix it. I'm tired of trying and watching everything I do credit-wise.

I should have figured out relationships by now, surely! At 30, I should have a big group of close friends - but really, I find that relationships just make me feel tired. Ok - tired and inadequate. I've been pretty extroverted and outgoing all my life - but over the past few months, I've started dreading being around people. Even those I love and care about. I just want to be alone more often than not.

And my goals - I've not achieved any of them. I can't even tell you what they were 10 years ago. I just know that I haven't accomplished much. I don't even have any good stories to tell.

I guess you could look at all of this and chalk it up to being depressed or something - but when it comes right down to it - I'm 30 with nothing to show for it. I'm 30 with no accomplishments, no recognition - and worse yet, no feelings that I'm anything other than a fat girl warming an office chair, living check-to-check, with very few healthy relationships.

And a whole gaggle of apathy.

Yeah.. 30. *sigh*

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