Tuesday, March 27, 2007

the big three-ohhhh


In less than a month I will turn 30. Three-zero. "Flirty-Thirty". I think this is where I emotional breakdown , right? I mean this is the point in my life where I realize I'm not "young" anymore. I'm just as far from 40 as I am from 20.

Yikes.

Ok, so it's not the end of the world, turning 30, but it sure makes you look at your life in a different way - at least *ME* looking at *MY* life in a different way.

I used to think 30 was old. Now, I think - I'm pretty cool for 30. I'm pretty cool, in general, but for 30 - I'm cool.

But I'm going to be thurrrrr-teeeee. And, honestly, in general, I'm unhappy.

Shouldn't I have found the key to happiness by now? Shouldn't I know what I want out of life? But I'm just as confused now as I was at 18 or 21 or 26.... maybe even moreso now - almost 30.

I don't have kids - that's the biggest thing nagging me, really. My mom had me when she was 16, so you can imagine how my mind spins when I think about being a mother for the first time when I'm over 30. But I can't have kids... and I was pretty ok with it up until now. But now the reality just makes me really sad. Really very sad.

And what the hell is wrong with me that I can't find a job that I like? Actually, I think I had that job about 3 years ago, but I fucked it up. I just can't seem to find somewhere to fit in - career-wise. Maybe the missing pieces is not having my degree - but come on - 30+ years old and just getting my bachelors? It seems like a waste of time and money at this point. And if I can't hold a job or find somewhere to fit, what good's a degree? Frankly, career-wise, I am feeling pretty miserable. But the thought of changing jobs *AGAIN* is just not realistic. Maybe I really don't have anything to offer to an employer. Scary to think I could be jumping from job to job for the next 12+ years just like I have the last 12. And I feel helpless to fix it. I can't fix it if I don't know what's wrong. And frankly, I just don't think there's hope to fix it.

30 years old - shouldn't I finally be rewarded for working hard? Even if I hate what I'm doing and who I'm doing it with/for? Shouldn't I get SOMETHING positive out of it?

Of course, that leads to feeling financially retarded. At 30 shouldn't I have a nest-egg? I should be investing in my 401k, right? I don't even understand the paperwork (I blame that on being bad at math). How many more years will I live check-to-check? I opened a savings account - which now has a whopping $400 in it. My credit score is half of my monthly car payments... and I feel helpless to fix it. I'm tired of trying and watching everything I do credit-wise.

I should have figured out relationships by now, surely! At 30, I should have a big group of close friends - but really, I find that relationships just make me feel tired. Ok - tired and inadequate. I've been pretty extroverted and outgoing all my life - but over the past few months, I've started dreading being around people. Even those I love and care about. I just want to be alone more often than not.

And my goals - I've not achieved any of them. I can't even tell you what they were 10 years ago. I just know that I haven't accomplished much. I don't even have any good stories to tell.

I guess you could look at all of this and chalk it up to being depressed or something - but when it comes right down to it - I'm 30 with nothing to show for it. I'm 30 with no accomplishments, no recognition - and worse yet, no feelings that I'm anything other than a fat girl warming an office chair, living check-to-check, with very few healthy relationships.

And a whole gaggle of apathy.

Yeah.. 30. *sigh*

Fuck.
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4 comments:

Sara said...

Maaaaaaaaan. Me too. Ferreals. Except for the fact that I'm actually getting *more* scared about kids, yeah. The rest of it, spot on. And it's no comfort, but I get the impression we're not alone.

Sarah said...

I dunno man, maybe this is oversimplifying things, or just me being naive at the mere age of 25... but all of this is exactly why I take a hedonistic approach.

Screw accomplishments and financial acquisition... I am just going to work every day so I can keep playing video games and crocheting in the comfort of my own air-conditioned apartment.

I've been thinking about you lately, btw... I wish you were here for us to celebrate your birthday!

CatPants said...

Yes. I know. Yes. Yes yes yes.

For some reason, the closer I draw to thirty, the more terrified I become of drawing a living creature out of my body at any point, the less settled I feel, and the more "blah, come on, gimme a friggin' break, when does the good stuff start?!" I mean, there are some things that are rocking the kazbah right now, but I miss my friends, and I keep wondering when the hell is that grown-up, thin girl that is hiding somewhere inside of me going to come bursting onto the scene? I dunno. Maybe some day. But right now, I feel... ugh. Tired, and not ready to be the age I am. People around me are popping babies out of them right and left, buying houses, doing the things that it seems that we 30s are supposed to do. I suppose that I waylaid that ideal when I up and left it all at 29 for something new and exciting. It is new and exciting still, and cool, but I'm now going, okay, lets get a move on with some of this other stuff too.

Bleh. 29.85 is a terrible age to be.

Smittie said...

Buckle your seat belt and just ride it out. I was so worked up about turning 30 I had panic attacks for a year. Guess what? I lived through and life got better. I wouldn't be young again for love or money. Though I do believe that youth is wasted on the young.

I'm to hell and gone past thirty. I haven't figured out what I want to be when I grow up but I'm getting some pretty good ideas that I can't wait to try. I have finally let go of all the crap that peers instill in you when you're young. I've been able to explore who I am because I no longer give a shit who anyone else wants me to be. Society feeds us a line about the importance and value of being young. It's all bullshit folks. Complete bullshit.

So, hang on tight kids. There is life after thirty and it's actually better, if you let it be.

Smittie