Wednesday, March 15, 2006

care bear stare (and point and laugh)...

This week, I'll recap American Idol by renaming all the idols to Care Bear names. So, even if you hate AI, no one hates the Care Bears – wheee!

Aka – Sluts-A-Lot Bear (seriously, he looks like a total fucking manwhore)
Insignia – A manbear doggy-styling another manbear.
He's lucky he's got his looks. I thought nothing could be worse than Ace singing Michael Jackson, but Stevie Wonder – yeah, wayyy worse. Every time he sings, I envision a cabana boy – who is being punished by Jack Bauer (24) for not telling him where the canisters of nerve gas are located – and, well – let's just say – lots of drugs and pulling of pubic hairs. If you gagged Ace, tied him up with some kneesocks and hung him from a meathook in my garage and let me have my way with him – even then, not hot, not an idol. Just.not.

Aka – Can't Be Smart and Pretty Bear (you know, you gotta pick one Kellie – awww, it looks like you can't be either – too bad… [wah-wah])
Insignia – Jessica Simpson's Face + MENSA Logo in the center of one of those circles with a red line through it.
Ummm yeah – how long do you think America is going to fall for your "I'm so dumb I had no idea my retarded uncle was molesting me" game? NOT VERY LONG. I am now going to add Kellie to the list of people, who, if lit on fire, wouldn't burn, but would just melt into a pile of goo. Vocally it was seriously like masturbating with a brillo pad. But, I'm sure Kellie doesn't know what masturbating is, much less a brillo pad (le sigh).

Aka –
E.T. Bear (oh, come on – someone HAD to say it – I know you all point your finger at the TV when he comes on and say "Ehhlll eeeeee ahhhhtttt")
Insignia – ET's Head in silhouette – or maybe just a bicycle silhouette – either would do
Elliot really has a good voice (minus the head-shaking vibrato thing) – I just don't get why he's inconsistent. He and I even have a similar bad-singing habit – tilting our head back when we sing…. strange. Part of me wants Elliot to win just because he could finally have enough money to get them thar fucked-up toofs fixed. It's strange, it's like his teeth should be in Bucky's mouth, and… well, I digress.

Aka – Buffet Bear (fuck you all, you know damn well she likes buffets… no one that size doesn't…. I know! I'll give her some credit – at least she didn't admit on national TV she loves chitlins)
Insignia – Twinkie on left, door in middle – Mandisa trying to get through the door
As a chubby chik – I'm glad that Mandisa is representing for us this year. It's good that her size hasn't hindered her in the competition [hahha, I said hinder]. But let's face it, the only reason that she's not getting harsher critiques (and, really she SHOULD be getting harsher critiques) is, well – one of 2 reasons… 1 – the judges are afraid she will sit on them or #2 (more likely, as security for the judges is tight) – no one tells a fat, black woman that she can't sing the fuck out of a song if she's even marginally good. Added to that is that Mandisa is just *nice*. Not phony plastic nice, but truly nice. Thus, I will not call her a fucking fat ass again in this entry.

Aka – Mouthful O'Cocks Bear (from experience comes knowledge of what this sounds like - ok, well maybe not cocks, plural - but yeah, it's hard to understand anything being sung when you got a mouthful o'cocks)
Insignia – A bear face with a BIG open mouth
First of all, from the beginning, I just cannot be led to expect much from a guy named "Bucky". Ok, I can't understand a fucking thing this inbred backwoods hickboy is singing. It seriously sounds like he's got a mouthful o'cocks (O'cocks is, of course, a tribute to St. Patrick's Day) every time he sings. The funny thing - when he and Stevie Wonder were on the video intro - Mouthful wasn't sounding anything like he did when he was singing. Oh, and the miming of riding a bull doesn't help... seriously - I've seen REAL cowboys and they don't walk with their legs spread 4 feet apart... well, unless they're the "brokeback" kind of cowboys.

Aka – Forgets-a-Lot Bear (I mean DURRRR who doesn't know, just from watching AI from auditions, that the word is PREMONITION not RECOGNITION! SCREAM!)
Insignia – A big question mark
Fucking eh - it sucks when you really like someone but they shoot themselves in the foot and make it impossible. Like Old Yeller - you love that dog, but that stupid SOB got rabies - DUH! I actually like her voice (though it's clear she does too much throat singing)... but holy hell, REMEMBER THE WORDS! I'm so frustrated with her, I have no more to say about her.

Aka – Direct to DVD Bear (I mean, come on, she's so child theatre star that she's going to have her own direct to DVD movies someday... yes, those kind)
Insignia – The face of a girl with pigtails - crying hysterically
Thank God the stylists spent a few more hours on her hair this week. Last week it looked like roadkill, this week it looked soft and supple (I'm guessing, honestly, that they were extensions) - much like Bo Bice's hair of Season IV. This girl has absolutely nothing remarkable about her... NOTHING. I can see the covers of her DVD's now - Former American Idol Contestant BARES ALL for a few dollars. I don't see that she'll be having any type of career. Her novelty of a child star could only be carried on in the Adult industry... or possibly as a walk-on role in some ghastly WB show.

Aka – Eats Lead Paint Bear (I swear, he's got to be retarded or deformed or something)
Insignia – A bear and a honey pot - except the honey pot is a pail of lead paint
I think Kevin missed out on the American Junior's auditoins a few years ago. This KID has a great voice, but ladies and gentlemen, this is a SINGING competition. The majority of us "music fans" support artists by BUYING THEIR CD. Unless you are into little boys (Michael Jackson or Catholic Clergy) or are deaf, I can't imagine anyone who'd buy that! Granted, people by Ashlee Simpson - but I see that differently - I mean Ashlee Simpson's like a train wreck - this is like watching brain surgery on Discovery Channel performed by Hannibal Lector... it's interesting - but then you're like GROSS!!! The lisp, the retardorena (his dancing) and his general look freak me out. Fuck.

Kevin, you got where you are because of the judges - at this point the only reason you're still in the competition is because they believed in you, gave you a chance and now is plugging you as the worst. So before you spout your lisp-laden voice at Simon and be insulting and ingrateful - you should realize that this is the only shot at anything even near fame you'll ever have.

Aka – Titsalot Bear (GAWD she has PERFECT breasts)
Insignia – Two extremely even, extremely perky breasts
Ms. McPhee is my AIV girlcrush. She's just gorgeous and has those eyes that speak to you... Now, if she'd just stop the "giddy" game - I could really see her being a star. And her breasts - they're so perfectly shaped - and those lips. *sigh* I'm going to play girlcrush MacGuyver... McPhee, Cool Whip and Chocolate Sauce....

Aka – Shiny Happy People Bear (ok, I know, not funny, but this guy just makes me smile every time he performs)
Insignia – Just a big smiley face
I have a hard time finding fault with Taylor - except that he looks like he's 10 years older than the oldest other competitor. He picks great songs, sings them well, and is unique. Honestly, Taylor would do better if he quit the competition now - except that one of my only ROCKS (I can count on him to be good) would be gone from my weekly TV lineup. Other than harmonica, does he play any instruments? Does anyone know?

Taylor, I LURVE you!

Aka –
Christian Tourette's Bear (seriously, if there were ever a better reason that there should be no talking after the songs - it's Paris [ok, maybe Kellie])
Insignia –
A cross who's middle line is an exclamation point - a BIG ONE
Now, don't get me wrong here, I'm a Christian myself - but when these gospel women get on the stage and start singing about how they're "Thankful for thar savyah" after they sing - it makes me want to rub glass shards in my eyes. It could be becaues it's just absolutely out of place (like that woman barking on all fours in an Episcopal church service). And who is dressing this girl? She looks like the homemade second-hand Barbie clothes my mom would bring home from garage sales when I was a kid. Everyone else had great Chinese-child made dresses for their Malibu Barbie, and I had some fucked up crochet-assed half jacket that smelled of cat pee. Again, I don't think she deserves to win because I would never buy her CD... just like Fantasia - a failure as an Idol.

Aka –
Chippendale Bear (I'm not alone here in that he's this years MFI [Most Fuckable Idol])
Insignia –
A naked, well-hung bear with a bowtie
I have nothing bad to say - except that his head was almost so shiny I got distracted by the glare. Mmmmm soooo good. I'd not only buy his CD, I'd rub it on my privates.

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Dr. Zoom said...

Wow ... your commentary -- particularly regarding Katherine -- almost makes me want to watch the show.


Witchymel said...

I'd rub Chris on my privates too...

Anonymous said...

LOL... Your descriptions are spot on... Best Idol commentary I've read all year... ;)