I'm a good neighbor, I think. I keep to myself, keep the yard clean, I don't have 15 flamingoes in the front yard or 75 of those wooden "women bent over asses" stuck in the shrubs. I also don't routinely rev my vehicle's engine after 9pm, or anytime for that matter - I have a couple of parties a year, but nothing obnoxious. I don't leave trash out -and I don't put trash out before trash putting out time.
But we have a few bad neighbors, though. One, in particular, has a pair of annoying dogs. Here is a letter I'm putting on their door tomorrow:
Dear Neighbor -
I've lived next door to you for a year and a half, now - and believe I have come to the point in my neighborship that I should communicate with you about your dogs and their incessant fucking barking between the hours of 6:45am and 7:30am Monday through Friday.
I have, by my calculation, lost a total of 337.5 hours of sleep due to your pet mis-management.
As a dog owner myself, I understand that dogs bark - it's just part of what they do - but it seems that your dogs have no "off switch" once they are out of the house in the early morning. If I hadn't seen with my own eyes that my dog could refrain from his own barking (even when he is tempted to by your dogs), I would not bother you with this letter - but it's obvious that if other dogs can be restrained from barking, yours can as well.
Our wonderful city government has listed clearly an ordinace regarding such an issue: Article 1, Section 14-2, (12) The act of permitting a dog to bark in such a manner as to disturb the inhabitants of the community. Breaking such an ordinace can result in fines as well as Animal Control getting involved. I would hate for that to happen - so I'm coming to you, first.
I am requesting, respectfully that you please treat us with the respect we have always afforded you - to offer us the time we need to sleep, so as not to be fucking, crazy, mean neighbors who would simply shut your dogs up by our own devices.
Should you not be willing to honor this request - I'll be left with no recourse but to stand outside of your house sometime between the hours of 3am and 5am, Monday through Friday, singing the theme song to TV's Survivor.
Thank you,
Me
2 comments:
I'll be left with no recourse but to stand outside of your house sometime between the hours of 3am and 5am, Monday through Friday, singing the theme song to TV's Survivor.
LOL! What an image!
ah, but can you sing the WORDS to the Survivor theme song? and in that cool way you do with your mouth closed? like when you sing 'Jesus Loves The Little Chitlins'?
--fettman
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