Wednesday, February 08, 2006

...on account of our obstacles

There are times when I look at my life and all I see are obstacles. Walls I can't get over, hills I can't climb, minefields I'm not even going to try to get through.

We all have them - and some of us even have the *same* ones.

For example, I was (sorta) part of a discussion the other day - it happened to be realted to weight (beginning of the year still, so that tends to be a hot topic). A woman had 15 pounds to lose and she is obsessing about it - to the point of making others around her worry if she is too obsessive. I immediately tune out the nonsense - because, honestly, I cannot (AT ALL) relate to someone who has 15 "vanity" pounds to lose .

During this conversation, another girl chimed in that this woman's 15 pounds is just as big of a deal to this person as 150lbs is to someone who's truly obese (hi, I'm sitting right here, thanks). This is where I tuned back in and got a little upset.

I don't think that's a fair comparison. The person who is obsessing over 15 pounds has more going on with them than body image, IMHO. If you truly obsess (to haunt or excessively preoccupy the mind) over 15 pounds, then I think there's obviously something going on there that doesn't really involve weight. Honestly, obsession is bad, no matter who you are. But 15 pounds?

ADD Moment: Every year, the American Idol judges say that "This year's idol will be the biggest ever. The contestants this year will blow you away." It may be possible they've shown very few of the actual good people up to this point - but there have been very few "standout" people this year. I can't even name 5 people that I've seen in the audition process that struck me as measuring up to what I'd expect to come out of the competition. Worse yet, the obvious advancement of people who have no business singing on that stage in Hollywood. Maybe I'm just jaded because I didn't make the cut (and I am, I admit it), but I believe that there are too many people who don't really want it taking the places of people who have the passion, desire and talent - but may lack an element or two that the competition could give them.

And the girl who spoke up is beautiful - thin, pretty, fairly smart... has a lot going for her - she's 26, and cares a lot about her appearance - so I guess I can see where she thinks that there's no difference between the 15lb and 150lb person.

As someone who's 150lbs overweight, I can tell you that I don't obsess. There is NO correlation between someone who is wanting to lose 15 vanity pounds in comparison to me. The motivation to fit into that dress, or those jeans, or be pretty for this or that event - is no where in comparison to wanting to live for 5 more years, wanting to to be able to walk a decent distance without getting tired, and wanting people to judge me based on me, not my size.

I came to the realization a few weeks ago that, even at my size, even with my health issues and the related stresses of being fat, I don't think I want to be thin bad enough. Truly. It's not even about willpower here, it's more about

I don't know what it will take to get me to take my health seriously. I don't know what it will take to convince me that I can overcome this. I just watched one of my best friends die from not taking care of her health issues... but I see her issues very differently from my own. She just needed to go to the doctor, take some pills... I have a monumental task in front of me - losing half of my body weight. That's major. While I know those around me love and want me to be happy and healty - I feel as though I'm not supported. Or rather, not supported in the way I feel I need to be to succeed. So if my best friend dying in front of me doesn't shake me into the reality of the gravity of my lifestyle - what will?

There are just too many things between me and the treasure I seek - and I don't think that I care enough to even try to get there. Worse yet, I know no one else can care for me.
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3 comments:

Anonymous said...

i care about you mel. i know you are overwhelmed with lots of shit and i also know you are very aware of your personal health.

you know what you need to do. you are a strong woman and you can change your eating habits when you are ready. trying any other time just won;t work. once you commit to it..i have no doubt you will be successful!

**hugs** jenn

Canticles said...

I think the same thing about myself. You know, I was doing really well there for like two weeks, and then I gained a half pound and it all went out the window. I mean, I was just pissed off that I gained a half pound when I was being so careful. Where is the justice?

GAAAAH!!!!!!! *gets back on the wagon*

sarah said...

There are some situations people just can't identify with until they've actually been there. they try to understand, but they just have no frame of reference. I try not to fault people for thinking they understand... it's really just ignorance, and I guess at least they're trying. I had another great example of this the first time I read, but I forget now. It probably had something to do with my own health problems.

I guess the best I can say is that I *think* I can identify.