that makes me a sad panda...

Today's the first day that I've been really sad about leaving Texas. Actually, with all the moves I've had, this is the first move where I've ever been really sad.

I'm leaving a lot behind (even if some of it is just temporary):

• My dog, stuff, house, husband
• My friends - You have no idea how hard it is to know I'm going to be so far away. And I know we're just a phone call or email or IM away - but it's never the same when 1200 miles is between us.
• Shana - my longest "best friend" in my adult life. We've been through SO much. I'm glad your path led you to Texas, even if you *do* hate it here. You and Ph'lip have a great thing that's worth working on. Keep that good mix of conservative and realistic. I love you so much!
• Betsie - I guess I should tell you now that you've quickly moved up to "best friend" status. You and John are remarkable people. I am going to miss meeting you guys for dinner, movies - but most of all, will miss giving you a big hug and seeing you in general. <3
• Kim - the thought of another girl in comedy workshop irritated me for a while... but I'm SO glad we got to know one another. You are so strong, smart, witty, and YES, FUNNY. Don't give up on what you want. You have tons of time and energy to get whatever it is you are aiming for. Knock em dead on the 14th - I wouldn't expect anything less. And, for your birthday - I'm going to get you a domain name, hosting and build you a website - whenever you're ready - just email me. Loves ya.
• Laurie - My most favorite (non-) hippie ever. You get to take care of Allan's powerstrip. I really appreciate you being an ear, a shoulder and a lot of fun. You're a GREAT mom, and I hope one day to be half as great of a mom and wife as you've shown yourself to be.
• David - It's not often you meet someone older, wiser that you would hang out with. From the minute we met and talked, I was really taken by your wit and intelligence. I hope we can still IM from time to time. And thank you so much for introducing me to Clifford and Reggie. You're a fabulous friend - and I count you one of the dearest.
  
• Micah - The thought that we won't be able to steal a lunch every week or so really bums me out. Thanks for always being a sounding board and for just listening and not trying to be a "man" and fix everything every time I'd talk to you about something. You have a level head, are slow to anger, and are, quite possibly, the best damn HTML developer (other than me) that I've ever met. You are such a great father - and Val is so lucky to have a man like you. I'll miss our inside jokes and making fun of "you-know-who(re)". Best guy-friend, ever.
• Alan - We've been through so much... C.I Hoax, TDDB... Thanks for being the voice of reason when I didn't want to hear it. Thanks for being a go-to when I needed technical expertise. And thanks for bailing my ass out more times than I can count. I love you.
  
• There are tons more folks I should list here, but I am all teary and having trouble typing.
  
• My comedy - Just getting started, and I felt kind of like I was accomplishing something. I don't really know what - but something. Now, I'm going to have to start over. Proving myself all over again. Paying my dues starting from scratch. And maybe I won't be good in Springfield.
• My comedy buddies - Doug, Kim, AJ, Tom, Jack, Ryan, Matt, Shaun and Jack. You guys have really made me think, laugh, laugh-cry and even pissed me off (who wants to follow that bit about the ant diet, Tom? NO ONE!).
  
• Jack - Thanks for being so supportive of new comics. It takes a bitter, jaded, angry, but loving old man to still put so much time and energy into helping us baby comics grow up. You are a gem. I'll be emailing you often to ask you about how to start up a room.
  
• Backdoor Comedy in Dallas - Linda and the folks @ Backdoor have been really great to me. If you can, please support them - http://www.backdoorcomedy.com
  
• My boss - Despite a SHITTY day yesterday, Reggie has been the best boss I've ever had. He's given me more than enough rope to hang myself with too many times - but he's always been there to cut it right before I choke to death. I lashed out yesterday a bit, maybe just because I was upset about leaving.
• My new truck - Leaving it with Mike. I'm kinda scared to drive it, but yeah. My truck.
• My dog - Did I mention I love my dog?
• familiarity - There's something nice about knowing where everything is and how to get there. Re-learning is sometimes frustrating.
• My co-workers - Sure, my office has a serious set of issues, but I really work with great people.
  
• Harley, I'll never have as great of a work husband as you (unless I meet a Gay Jewish guy with a sense of humor, then you'll be replaced).
  
• Lisa, I respect the crap out of you. You put up with so much and always keep cool. I hope you know how valuable you are.
  
• Matthew, hang in there. Your talent won't be overlooked. And no, you can't get me high before I leave.
• Ellen, you are smart, funny, talented and dedicated. Don't let that be taken advantage of.
• Karen, for a pretentious bitch, you sure are a great friend. I am glad that a bad account experience yielded such a great friend.
• Sarah, you sure do work hard, even if you're a rental. Keep being the shining light you are. No matter how much I bitch and make fun of some FC folks, you are truly the real deal. I'm glad we met.
• Linda, I know we didn't get much time to get to know each other - but I admire your smarts and your sense of humor. Give em hell and keep them laughing at the Monday meetings.
  
• Billy, I'm so glad I got the chance to meet you. You are one of the most genuine people I've ever met - and you have really been here for me in good times and bad. Do what's best for you and don't let your talents go to waste. I'm glad to call you "friend".
  
• Robbie, you know your shit! One of the only guys (you and Micah) who does front-end as well as I do. Keep "working that magic."
• Rene, I'll miss you saying good morning every day. And hearing you sip your coffee - and your perfect makeup. Keep them lips red!
  
• Troy, I don't know what to say except it was fun working with you. And every time I think of you I always think - "It's always the quiet ones."

None of this sadness is to diminish the excitement of the move -

• A new town - new places to explore.
  
• A 10 minute drive to work. Yeah. Uh huh.
  
• New people - I've already made some great friends - and I am going to get the joy of spending every day with two of my bestest friends ever.
• New job - A company that respects me already - offering me opportunities that haven't come up for me in my past jobs. I just got an email about a meeting to get a certification - and it's on my 2nd workday.
• Seasons - yeah - I like cold and winter. I just hope it's ok to have my window open a teensy bit at night...
• A chance to re-invent myself. I don't know - maybe just a chance to let go of some things that are haunting me here.
• New comedy experiences - a new set of "buddies" (I hope), new clubs and maybe the chance to be a big fish in a small(er) pond?

So, with that, I'm going to pretend to work. 3.5 more days of work left.

murder, murder in the night air

Last night, another epic dream.

I was back in Wisconsin... at my grandma/grandpa's house. I just remember the house... the yard... it was definitely there.

For whatever reason, I'd apparently killed someone and tried to hide the body. And while I was hiding the body, I ran across another body near where I was hiding mine. AND I RECOGNIZED the person.

The guy's name was Troy. I remember thinking he was engaged to my friend, Sara, but that he was killed and never found before they got married. Sara never found out what happened to him.. it'd been 2 years since he disappeared and Sara had met a new guy (named Troy as well) and married him earlier this year.

When I got home, I was visibly shaken (what with murder, and hiding the body, the discovery of Troy's body and whatnot), and so my uncle, Tim, called a lawyer.

The lawyer came to the house, and I had explained what I had done. I was clear to say that YES, I did kill whoever it was I killed (don't remember who it was)... but that I did not kill Troy ... and I juts happened to find his body while hiding the other body. I did not kill Troy.

Lawyer said I..d get pinned for both murders and began working on my defense.

The lawyer started going through my medicine cabinet looking for what medications I was on. He ran across something and started talking about a defense of being temporarily insane. I argued I wasn't insane... that I meant to murder, but my main concern was not getting pinned for Troy's murder. I didn't kill Troy.

And then the lawyer said I..d have to call Sara and tell her that I was the one who killed her fiancée. Being that I didn't kill her fiancée, and that Sara was my friend, I got distraught and locked myself in the garage.

The lawyer and my uncle and grandparents tried to get in... and I woke up just as I decided that a good way to off myself was with the hedge trimmers.

Yeah. Uh huh. Fucked.

What do you think? Come on... give it to me.

what dreams may come...

Ok, last night, I had some seriously fucked up dreams. So, for my dream interpretation friends (or acquaintances), go ahead, gimme your input.

I don't usually dream so vividly - but last night was a definite exception.

First Dream:

I started out in a group - a big group, then we all went on our separate ways. Everywhere I went, I would encounter someone who wanted to fight me... it was like an epic kung fu film, but I was totally using my hands, and they were as well. Ok, so it was more of a kung fu meets fight club.

So, this went on for some time. I was winning each battle - but, of course, every battle got progressively harder - much like how every level in Mario Kart got harder and harder.

Here's the part that disturbed me - the last person I fought was a child. Probably 11 or so years old. And the kid nearly beat the shit out of me. But, I came out, victorious.

Eventually, I realized that I was trying to get through all the battles to get back to the group - as a winner. And I did.

I woke after this dream and felt physically sore and tired. I also felt as though I'd been talking. Though I don't remember any dialogue in the dream.

Ok, now dream two... after I woke up from dream one - I fell back asleep and had another vivid dream.

I was in a large building with many rooms. I want to say it was a stadium. And there were tons of people camped out everywhere. I was in charge, or some other such, as I remember trying to find places for everyone to sleep - and places to get wheelchairs in, etc.

There were so many people - I was trying to get everyone into a spot to sleep, and there just seemed to be a never-ending stream of people who needed somewhere to stay. I found them all places.

There were people EVERYWHERE. Stairwells, etc - I remember feeling overwhelmed... Concerned that I'd not find enough room for all the people - and everyone needed a place to sleep. And I needed to find somewhere for me to sleep. I called my hubby and told him to bring my new Aerobed to the place so I could sleep. He arrived with it, but there wasn't anywhere left. I looked everywhere for a spot to lay down, but there wasn't anywhere left.

I started to cry, but at the same time was relieved that everyone else had a place to sleep.

That's all I remember.

Yeah, fucked up.

movin on up...

Sorry I've not updated recently. I'm in the process of relocating to Springfield, Illinois - I start my new job on October 9th - and plan to drive - leaving Dallas on the 6th.

So much to do - my car needs repair. The control for the fan/AC is screwy, need new back brakes, and my power steering has a slow leak. After that's fixed, I need my tires rotated and an oil change. I have folks coming to give me estimates tonight on the car (thank you, Craiglist).

I have to pack, too. Mostly clothes. The new company's relo'ing me - so big stuff will come later. I have to make a trip to IKEA for a few organization items and a few boxes, with handles, to help make the storage/packing process easier.

I have a client who's about $2k behind in paying me. After an email where the owner of the company thought my being upset I've not been paid yet was "funny" - I am giving them till EOD (5pm) today to tell me when payment will be sent, or I'm taking their site down for non-payment until I get paid. They use their site and an application to work directly with their clients, so taking it down will literally cripple them. Ihate to go to those measures, but I need that money - and I don't need the attitude. I have all the power here.

In other news, 7 more days at my current job. I'm so happy to be getting out of here. I was hoping it'd be a great opporunity, but it's turned out to be a dead end. Live and learn.

That's all for now - more to come soon :)

ha ha ha ha *cough* ha haha hah

Did you miss my show @ Backdoor Comedy on 9/9? Maybe you couldn't make it - maybe you don't even live in Dallas.

Well, never fear, the video is HERE!

9/11... a non-blog...

I don't really have much to say on this, the 5th anniversary of 9/11, that hasn't already been said by someone much more eloquently than I could.

So, I'll share with you this brilliantly written piece: This I Believe: That Old Piece of Cloth.